| Hello, This is my first post. I've been combing the message boards and reading posts similar to mine but felt the need to post my story/question. I realize at the end of the day the answer has to come from inside my marriage but I would love to get some input from husbands/dads out there regarding having children. Honestly, I'd love to talk to my own father about this a bit but this is such a sensitive topic, it's hard to discuss with family without their desires getting in the way. My father didn't want kids and my mom got pregnant and he left. He has a second one now but my sister is 18 years younger than I am so my father was considerably older when she was born and it was a planned, conscious decision, where I was a surprise. Question: If you didn't want kids before and have them now, how do you feel? What brought you to the point where you decided to have children? Have your fears come true? Has age helped? What is your marriage like now? Do you still have a "wife" or just a mother to your children? If you feel like you just have a "mother" now, why is that? Do you own any responsibility in it? Are you "just a dad" now? What do you do to remind yourselves you were a couple before the kids? General advice? Did having kids make you want to run fleeing from your marriage? Background: I'm 32, my husband is 33. We've been married for six wonderful years, together for 10. We 'are" that couple that makes everyone want to throw up. We have a wonderful time together, we communicate well, never argue and just generally get along really well. I'm very grateful for what we have and have no complaints. We even both get along really well with our MILs. We have a good sex life. I say "good" because we have sex 3-5 times a week as opposed to twice a day :), which would be more his preference. We have pets, no kids. When we married, my husband and I agreed neither of us wanted kids, in the last year I've been slowly coming to the idea that I would like to have a baby of our own. I'm surrounded by pregnant women and babies all day long. My job is VERY family friendly so my boss brings his adorable children in several times a week. My brother in law and his wife just had their third little one. Part of me feels like I should find some child free women and surround myself with them but unfortunately, with the exception of 20 year olds that's pretty impossible. I started on Prozac about a year ago due to anxiety (runs in my family) and about two weeks into it, I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to have a baby. It lasted two weeks and then completely disappeared. It was a confusing and shocking two weeks for both of us!!! My poor husband lost a lot of sleep those two weeks. But, with the number of side effects that come in the first few weeks of being on any medication, I ignored it. Well, I ended up getting pregnant in December. I chose to have an abortion. I could not allow such an important decision just happen to us. It was tough but I felt/still feel it was the right move. I don't think in my heart, I would ever have been okay and would have felt like I trapped him since we didn't plan to get pregnant and I didn't want to let a drunken error make the decision for us. Stupid, I know. I can't take birth control pills though so we use a diaphram. ANYWAY. The baby feelings are back. When I told my husband I was pregnant, I was a wreck. I felt utterly awful and he took it much better than I did. He was completely supportive of my decision either way but when I told him I was pregnant one of the things he said to me, laughing as I was crying my eyes out was "Don't worry so much, so we utterly ruin our lives, big deal. It's fine, our family will be happy and we will be fine. I love you." Well, while he was trying to be supportive in a very confusing moment, the "ruining our lives" part of that statement has stuck with me more than anything else. While he never ever pushed, I know he was very relieved when I had the procedure. He took excellent care of me the entire time. In all of these discussions he's said he always assumed he would have kids but since I didn't want any he was okay with that. Now, he has spent all of these years planning our lives CF and it's hard for him to picture our lives with a baby/child in it. He's worried about the normal things money, child care, etc and more than anything else his wife ignoring him completely and turning into a mom who doesn't care she was once a wife (which my mother flat out told me is what she did). I'm worried that I'll end up a single mom. I'm worried I'll end up just a mom and not a wife. I want to be a wife. I want the baby, if there is one, to FIT INTO our lives rather than the other way around. I love my husband and married him to be WITH HIM so I would not choose to leave him over this. No one in the world would get me as well as this man does. We are financially stable, my mother would take care of child care while we work. We both have professional jobs and work 50 hours a week. He would make an excellent father. He has told me he would give me a baby if I want one but that does NOT feel right. I WANT HIM to want it which isn't something I can force but without that I'm worried if we have a kid that I will spend the rest of my life wondering if he is about to leave me, not because I think HE actually would, he's a wonderful man but I have issues with my father leaving. I come from a long line of divorced people. :( I realize and own all of this. I know it. But knowing something and feeling something are different. I'm just seriously confused. I prefer things to be black/white and I feel like I'm sitting in a world of grey right now. I'm sorry this is so long. I just felt I should give you all the information I could :). :confused: CONFUSED | |||
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