| My previous thread was locked so I am continuing here. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-new-post.html Read for the full story. I'll try to sum this up a best as possible for those that don't want to read through 17 pages. Current issue and point of discussion: My wife is going on vacation without me to New Orleans. This is during a time when our marriage is in a tough spot. Important family history for me: Large, close family. Middle child of two sisters. Parents divorced at age 1 and was raised primarily by mother until age 12. Now both remarried and get along very well. Does not get along well with older sister as she is a polar opposite. Family has provided financial support for things over the years. Important family history for my wife: Very hard childhood. Oldest of 3, one brother and one sister. Father was physically, mentally, and sexually abusive. Very religious lifestyle and was home schooled until 14 as a result. Has not seen father in over 8 years and has a rocky relationship with her mother. Considered by her siblings and even mother to be the real "mother" (leader) of the family. Has provided financial support to her family for things over the years. Timeline of the current situation 6/2009 - Met through online dating service. Both were singlefor 3 months after long term relationship. 6/2009 - First Date 9/2009 - Moved in together 12/2009 - Engaged 10/2010 - Married 6/2012 to 8/2012 - Wife became more outgoing and beganlosing weight 9/2012 - Sexual Assault of wife 11/2012 - Wife had falling out with sister 12/2012 - Wife chooses not to go on family vacation 1/2013 - Husband and wife start living separately. Marriagecounseling begins. 10/2012 to 3/2013 - Wife displays reckless behavior. In the previous thread there were a lot of replies discussing fault. Who's fault was this, who's fault was that. I would like to ask this this new thread try and focus on constructive tips for the future and not who's fault things were in the past. I know I have done plenty of things wrong in this marriage and I agree with a lot I what people have said about me and I understand why my behavior has disappointed some. I am human and I make mistakes and I understand that my wife has as well. There is a lot stuff that I disagree with and flat out will never except. I don't want to make this thread a pissing contest so about who's right and who's wrong. This particular post from Anon Pink was very hurtful to me. Especially because I found so many post from this person very helpful. I am also disgusted by Cody. He is throwing his wife to the dog pack for dismemberment. I can see now why she might not want to be with him. He is weak and not able to defend her. How am I not able to defend her. So her asking me for space, freedom, and trust and me giving her those things is a sign that I am not defending her. Are you saying that she was asking for these things because she wanted me to deny her? If that is true how the hell am I suppose to read between those line. What kind of husband, particularly a marriage with rather liberal boundaries, can't stand up for his wife who has been traumatized? How have I not stood up for her? I stood up to my family when they turned on her and told them to mind their own fing business (I realize now that I never mentioned this before). I didn't exactly what every doctor, therapist, and rape advocate told me to do. I'm not a expert on how to handle this horrible situation but one thing my wife does know is What kind of husband politely asks that people not debate that event, without the slightest hint of ire or other irate emotion regarding how his wife has been characterized? I originally posted asking for help and opinions on my current situation. I provided some background information because people asked for it and then I simply asked people to stay on topic. Posting on here I can fully except that everyone is entitled to their opinion but I do not agree with or like the way my wife has been characterized regarding this situation but I'm not going to waste my time responding to every post I don't agree with. What kind of husband leaves his wife to vacation with his family, knowing she is going through such turmoil? What kind of husband "respects" her wishes and goes to his family when he knows a choice has been made and his going reflects his agreement with that choice? It was not a easy choice to make and my wife knows this. I tried for over a month to get her to go with me or to make her understand that I didn't have to go. She insisted that I go and said she could use the time alone. Also, I made sure that in every situation my wife knew, without a doubt, that I was on her side. Would it have been better if I stayed with here, maybe, but I can't change that and won't dwell on it. Ultimately it was her decision not to go and her decision to giving me he blessing to go. Again, if she wanted me to respond a certain way while at the same time telling me the exact opposite how an I suppose to know? What kind of husband allows a traumatized wife to make and carry out plans a total fool knows are unwise considering all she's still dealing with? A man who knows he doesn't deserve his wife but can't find his balls to become a better man. A husband that wants his wife to know that he is trying to trust her again. I think I kinda know what she is going through but I may never fully understand. If her going on this trip provides her with a better perspective and makes our relationship better, than it is worth it. I fully intend to explain to her during our next MC session that I do not agree with this trip. That recently she has been making some questionable decisions and that I fear for her safety. I'm trying to be a better man and I am getting better day by day. I think I deserve her, in fact my wife has said that she thinks doesn't deserve me. Moving forward..... Some recent developments have changed the game slightly in a good way. I don't care if you get 100% why, just know that the events that occurred over the weekend made me feel a little better about my situation. First off, a indecent happened Friday when I finally got to put my foot down. She left out some details about a particular situation she had told me about. Her reasoning was "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get upset". The details don't matter but basically I took it as lying by omission. My response was almost exactly this... "...so you are saying you didn't tell me because you knew I would get upset but you never even gave me the chance. Granted I may not be trilled at the truth but finding out later makes it so much. If you want me to trust you to go to New Orleans and be safe you have to be open with me. You have to give me the benefit of the doubt. You have to trust me if we a going to move forward" .. a few minutes later, after some shouting and some apologies I said... "this is how I feel and I'm not going to change. I done crying about this kind of s**t. You want me to stand up for myself and be a man well here it is take it or leave it." I then shut the car door and walked away, without looking back. It was the first argument we had in almost 6 months where I didn't cry one bit and I felt more anger than sadness. It was also the first time I truly yelled at her during a argument without being drunk. I think she could tell the difference in me. Later she texted me that she was sorry for the way things went I extended the olive branch by apologizing for shouting. She said she deserved to be shouted at (having a back bone does help) Second, We made plans for Saturday to go shopping. When she picked me up I could tell that she had been crying. When I asked her if everything was ok she said yes. I then said that she can also call me if she's upset. She said "I know, but it was about you so I didn't really feel like discussing it with you. I don't know why this meant so much to me but it did. It showed me that she thinks about. Saturday, we spent the entire day together and had an awesome time. We had such a good time we decided to continue it to dinner, and then drinks, and then eventually I spent the night back at home. It was wonderful to feel married again. The show love and feel it in return. There was no talk about our current problems and I was able to put my feelings of anger and jealousy aside and truly have a great. I know what you're thinking. "So you had a great time, that doesn't make up for all the crap you have been through" You are right it doesn't, but there was one specific thing that happened that just might be the thing I've been looking for from her, a commitment. During dinner my wife asked if I would considering moving away together. We had often talked about ending up in a bigger city. She said that she knows that I will eventually move back home but when our lease is up in July she wants us to go someplace together afterwards to get a fresh start. I took this as a very strong commitment on her part to our relationship. When she said this I wanted to jump for joy and scream "I love this women". But I didn't. I used every ounce of self control and said "I think it is a great idea but I will think about it" I could tell she was disappointed but I held my ground. We went out for breakfast the next day and again had a great time. When I was dropping her of she said "I just want you to know that I want to be with you and I want us to go on this adventure together. Please think about moving away with me." Even though it didn't change the way I feel about her solo vacation or my plans for the next month, I left feeling much better and since then she has been in regular contact with me, similar to how it was when we were married. So what do you all think? Can my stand up, manly actions to a simple argument on Friday change the way she feels about me so drastically 24 hours later? Do you think maybe she always felt this way but she just needed me to show her that side of me once again? Should I trust her completely and call off all my plans to move back in and hire a PI to tail her in NO. Should I not at all and make plans to get a divorce. Or should I meet her half way by trusting her with my heart while at the same time still taking every precaution if she is lying to me? | |||
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