| Hello forum people. I'll just start from the beginning. My wife and I just had our third wedding anniversary two days ago. In the three years that we have been together, she has had several EA's that I have caught her in, one PA, and another instance of kissing another man when we were at a party together but in different areas. Through all of this, I have loved her, and supported her. I truly believe that she loves me, and that some of her behavior comes from being young (she's 10 years younger than I am) and from the childhood that she had. She goes through phases where everything is great, beyond great, and we are a happy couple. There are no issues with trust or worries about infidelity, because there would literally be no time or opportunity, that's how close we are. Other times, like now, she pulls away, and I am left feeling lost. Originally I would just be hurt, we would fight about it, and eventually it would equalize back into our good pattern again. Then, I started discovering the EAs. This kind of put my trust in the crapper. I am one of those who believes that the less there is to hide, the better. My wife knows all my passwords, has open access to anything she wants at any time. I've caught her going through my phone and internet history, and not given her any kind of hard time about it because, frankly, I'm glad she can check and be reassured because I have nothing to hide. She on the other hand, has had plenty to hide over the years, and like I said, the problem seems to be escalating. At first even when things were strained between us I didn't consider taking advantage of checking up on her; I trusted her. Then I walked in on her sexting someone she had met online gaming (she had claimed it was a girl originally, so I was never worried that she seemed so eager to get back to gaming with the person, even at the expense of us spending time together). Since then, I have found it hard not to wonder, and fear, and trust has become a bit more difficult to blindly offer, or hold on absolute faith, when these periods of distance between us pop up. I haven't found proof of anything untoward every time, but the three or four times now I have continues to make it harder and harder to let go of my fears and allow myself to trust her fully, although I truly do try. The last major instance was the PA she had with a man who I never thought she would have been attracted to. She lied to me about where she was and what she was doing, she lied to me about who she was out with, and ended up sleeping in the same bed with him (she says no sexual encounter occurred, and I believe her, with reservations that the only reason may be because she was on her period) and kissing and touching definitely occurred. We have dealt with that, as much as something of that nature can be dealt with. I believe that no further contact has been had between the two of them, due to both a lack of opportunity and some periodic snooping on my part to verify as best as I can. So, it has been a couple of months, and after coming closer together after I forgave her and we both promised to try and be what the other deserves...we are in a distance phase again. I am worried. On top of that, she got the new iPhone a few days ago, and today she claimed (while I was at work) that the texting was malfunctioning and so she went to the apple store to get her own appleID. We have shared an appleID for the past 4 years, and there has never been an issue with our shared account before this week. Yes, either one of us could use the account to find the other's phone at any time using the lost phone app, we could see what applications the other was downloading when it sent a notification...but like I said, this has never been an issue before. Apparently, with the new iOS it is also possible to receive copies of each other's text messages through a shared appleID, but again, that street runs both ways and if one wanted to try and sneak a peek at the other's texts, it alerts the other phone so this seems kind of like a moot point. My arguments for not splitting our IDs were relatively simple. If we lose a phone, good luck finding it without the app (this has come in handy twice already for her, once when she lost it and once when someone swiped it in a bar). All paid applications we have bought are no longer able to be shared. Photostream, a service I quite enjoy when one or the other phone is more convenient to take a picture, is now worthless. And contacts are no longer shared, so if I need to call someone, and its in the wrong phone, no dice. Small, not-earth shattering arguments, but in the face of no real point to splitting the plan...I am left wondering WHY this is so important to her. Which leaves me feeling like the only reason that makes sense is to have the ability to hide things. I would be lying if I said that the fact that one of us could check on the other if we were really worried about something is not something I find to be a bad thing...I have nothing to hide, so this has never been a concern for me, but that brings me to her argument. Out of the blue, she stated that she feels like she has no privacy. She told me that she has nothing that is "just hers" and that I track/monitor/record her every move and that I am controlling. I honestly do not think that this is the case. I will openly admit that when I have been overly concerned I have checked up on her, and while it does not help that I have caught her in the things I have caught her in, I do not dictate her life to her. She goes to school, has her own job, I encourage her to hang out with her friends alone, and unless she comes home driving drunk or is out until 5am without a call (both of which have happened), I don't fuss at her. When I do fuss at her, its because I'm scared for her welfare and concerned about her lack of judgement (driving drunk). So we had this fight today, and there's been this distance once again, and she ended up getting the separate ID even though I asked her to wait until we could talk about it (I was at work), and I was hurt and frustrated not just because of this particular scenario, but all the baggage that I have explained that comes with it. Now I'm left hurting, wondering, not knowing if I am in the wrong. Am I being controlling? Am I wrong to believe that trust so abused is going to be a process to earn back? Am I wrong to still believe that this was the wrong choice for her to make, and that she is being overly defensive about her privacy in this case? Am I wrong to be worried that she is doing this solely to have the option to hide things from me again? Am I wrong to believe that a married couple should be one, and that openness of information and lives should be something that should be applauded, and not reviled? I know some people believe that the kind of openness between couples that I believe in is a sign of mistrust, but I don't understand how that can be the case. I don't want to hide anything from my spouse, and I feel like she should have the option to prove that at any point because, hey, we're human, and we're going to get insecure every once in a while. Am I wrong? Am I the only one who feels this way? My wife claims that I am, that no one else shares like I would prefer us to share. Now please, if you want to help, please don't try and tell me that she doesn't love me, or that I'm kidding myself, or it's over and I just need to dump her. I want help. I love my wife, with everything that I am. I want something that will help me fix things, or at least point me in the right direction. Two other quick points: I have never cheated on my wife, in any way. Also, my wife has used my openness to check up on me when it has suited her, so this is not just a one way street when it has happened. Thank you for your time and consideration, and for any help that you can provide me. I am hurting, and I don't know what to do. | |||
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