Don't think I love him any more, but still want to make this work

I think it's time I collect everything in one spot. H and I are 3 weeks away from my move-out date and I'm feeling excited and hopeful. Here's our background: Together 13 years (we met when I was 21 and he was 26) Married almost 9 2 kids, 7 and 4 Trouble started after the first was born and intensified a lot after the second. I suspect, and 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work reinforced, that we didn't adjust well to parenthood as a couple, and instead of drawing us closer together, we started to move apart. All of the issues that parenthood exacerbated were present before we got married, and I can see now how much I minimized red flags and even worse, actively ignored qualities in H that worried me and instead projected what I wanted to see. I think we both did this--create images of each other instead of really truly getting to know each other. So, now, here we are. I resent H for not being the person I imagined him to be. I felt awful, truly awful, for that, and tried telling him that I was starting to feel unhappy very gently, because even the thought of hurting his feelings was unbearable. I've noticed how miserable I'll let myself get to avoid even possibly hurting his feelings, and I'm not sure what to make of that. I think one of the things I need to learn is to truly value myself and my own happiness. My husband is self-centered and immature (this is the guy how left a non-swimming 3 year old alone in a swimming pool, with no life jacket, because he suddenly felt like shooting hoops). I've asked him for more intimacy and affection, but he has mostly ignored those requests. He might initiate sex a few times, but then it was back to only getting it on his schedule. I weigh exactly what I did when we got married, so it's not that. And it's not just sex, pretty much every time I ask for something, he'll say yes, but then not do it. This was really confusing to me for a long time. I thought he was the nicest guy in the world because he always said yes to whatever I wanted! It took me a very long time to realize a yes in words doesn't mean a yes in actions, and his actions usually said no. So, that's the very short version. I'm angry with myself for creating him in my mind rather than getting to know the real him, and I'm angry with him for all the lies and emotional neglect. I let way too much resentment build because I thought my feelings didn't matter enough to be addressed by him. Now I feel utterly shut down. I must love him somewhere deep down, but I don't feel it. Maybe I don't. We're separating because I have to leave the country and he wants to stay behind for a few months. What I want from this time is for him to make an effort to be a more pro-active partner and address his role in neglecting me for so long, and for myself to let go of the old resentment and start fresh. To divorce the old marriage and start a new one, with two more mature people who are willing to be responsible for their own happiness and treat each other with respect. I'm actually not even that worried about not feeling the love any more. I'm pretty hopeful that two people who are committed to the relationship and each other, and who meet each others needs, can fall back in love. If it turns out that we're really so incompatible that that's not possible, well, I'll deal with that in a few years. Any advice from people who've been here is most welcome. We've started marriage counseling in the country we're in, and H is going to continue IC with her while I start up IC in the states. We'll do family counseling when he's back to address the parenting issues. I need to learn about how to enforce my boundaries within the marriage in a positive way, and generally work on my self-esteem. I need to value my own happiness and provide it for myself. It's a lot, but I'm 100% committed. Neither one of us has ever responded to our problems with an EA or PA, so I think that's one huge thing we have going for us.

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