Breakup taking over my life. I keep beating myself up

Im an undergraduate student in my first year and a few months ago I met my ex. Everything felt complete. I gained admission in a respected university, I had a buzzing social life, I was doing well on my course and I found love in a man that meant the world to me. Things just slotted into place. I was as they say "on cloud 9" We had minor misunderstandings and issues which occur in most relationships but nothing major that we would argue or fight over. However one drunken night ruined everything. I was out with my mates, intoxicated and in a club I behaved in a manner in which I shouldn't have as a girlfriend. Over zealous, "dirty dancing" as they call it with other guys whilst being drunk off my face which I never usually am, let alone in a relationship. I told my then boyfriend about it and he ended the relationship. However I was able to bring us back after I explained it meant nothing (by explaining I mean crying down the phone, incessant emails, calls and texts to help serve my plight as well as a pilgrimage to his house) We were back together and stronger than ever, he doesn't hold grudges and put it behind him. However he got a call from his friend who was at the club I was in and saw me and his narration of events made it out that I downplayed the whole situation. (which I did only because he had already made up his mind to break up with me anyway and there was no point giving details by this point) He then wrote that off as me lying to him and ended the relationship for good. I went to see him again in a last ditch attempt and he initially held his stance but after seeing my pain he softened a bit and he said he'd think about it some more. We spent the weekend how we did normally and I thought things were getting back on track. However he later told me I shouldn't have read minutes into what happened the last time I saw him and that he hadn't changed his mind. He says he doesn't love me less or have a different opinion of me but he doesn't feel the same way. Something switched off in him apparently. Since then it has been pure hell. I have been falling behind in my work, I don't see my friends anymore, I don't sleep without him in my dreams and I don't eat properly. My life is basically at a standstill. At one point I even had a total disregard for personal hygiene. I've written him emails since, we are still in touch and he very much loves me, it's not like he cut me out of his life but it hurts so much. Because of a drunken mistake he ended it with me. He makes snap decisions based on logic and he said he didn't have the patience to deal with these occurances. I'm the type to mess things up but after that I'm swell. But this time I've lost out big time. I can't get over it. I can't move on. I feel regret and loss and grief all the time and it's eating me up. I replay that night out all the time and feel like smashing my head on the wall. He's amazing. Perfect for me in everyway. We are compatible in everyway and he enriched my life, sees me in a way I have yet to see myself. What hurts the most is not the loss of what was, but what could have been. I hate myself for losing him. I don't know what to do, it's worse because he's moving on, going about his day, working, going out having fun seeing friends whilst I'm stuck. I feel weak and emotionally dependent and he knows that. I just want him back. I just want my life back. I want his love back. I can't cope. I'm not the same.

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