| Hi all This is complicated and some input would be apreciated When I started a new part time job 2 yrs ago (to fit around going back to uni as mature student), I really liked the guy mentoring me I'll call P. When he mentioned in passing he had a 'partner' I decided to keep my distance. We got on well as colleagues though. I then started dating someone else. By August last summer, my new relationship after 6 months was clearly not working out with J. I went to lunch with my colleague P. During lunch he told me that his partner wasn't actually his partner, but his ex, and that they had broken up 5 years ago. They got on well so still shared a 3 bed semi but lived separate lives. He said as he's never met anyone else he's had no incentive or reason to change the situation. I asked if she would be happy if he brought a new girlfriend home and he said 'not really a girlfriend, no'. I broke up with J and shortly after P asked me on a date. I told him that I was uncomfortable getting into too much of an intimate relationship with someone who still lived with his ex but did want to get to know him better. We agreed to keep dating. Long story short my resolve not to be intimate didn't last very long and we got quite close quite quickly. At this point I have to say that this man is the most loving, kind and generous I have ever met. He helps me, remembers things for me and cares about my life (unlike selfish J). He makes cakes, brings little presents and sardines for the cat. It has been 6 months now and the conversation has come up a few times as I can't get my head around it, about him living with his ex, and he has explained more: She is 15 years older than him (nearly 60 now) and apparently it's never been sexual. They bought the house together 15 years ago- he can't tell me whether it was as a couple or just friends- it seems they were a couple who don't have sex (?). They 'drifted apart'. And he tells me she does know about me. I've been to his house once while she was at work but I haven't met her. During our latest 'talk' about this (we've had 3) he told me he once tried to suggest moving out and she said she'd be on her own as her parents are dead etc. This makes me nervous that she has some emotional hold over him. He admitted that he was really scared of ever moving and lacked courage. Before this he'd always talked about us having a future- talking marriage etc. He's only ever moved once – he was at his mum's until 30ish then moved in with her. I tried toegt out of him whether it was leaving her or moving itself that he was scared of and he couldn't define. He was adamant that there was no commitment between him and his ex – but I'm not convinced. I know that she put the deposit down on the house, and that she pays the council tax. They don't have kids as she never wanted them. I told him I'd feel a lot more comfortable if I met her and was introduced as his gf, and if she's not welcoming of his new relationship then there's surely unfinished business. He said it was him that wanted to keep me separate as he was embarrassed she was older than him and he wanted to keep it separate. I said why would he want to do that when it's making me uncomfortable I haven't met who he lives with. He couldn't really answer that. He ended up saying re situation: 'I will change it…. I'll try to, but I might not be able to… No, I will do'. Obviously this doesn't fill me with security. The question I am asking myself is not 'are they in a sexual relationship'- I do believe they're not and I've seen separate rooms (although they do have each other's stuff in the rooms) but 'are they in a relationship' as in an emotional one. I haven't met any of his friends or family apart from who we work with. He told me last month that he told our closest work colleague about us, and at the same time he hold him 'about home' aswell – closest work colleague (they are friends) thought he was still in a relationship with his ex until he told him he was seeing me. This was a red flag – he told me that he keeps his business to himself. Additionally, I know that he had brief relationship with another colleague about 3 years ago (she dumped him). I said 'but you had this other relationship- how did another friend/colleague think you were still in a relationship with the woman you live with?' he said that he didn't ask any questions. My feeling is that he believes he's not in a relationship with this woman who he lives with, but actually he kind of is. The whole thing is making me incredibly uncomfortable – and yes, I do wish I'd stuck to my original resolve to leave the intimacy until his situation is different. Am I within my rights to try and re draw those boundaries? It feels more like an affair than a relationship as I've met none of his circle (although he's met some of mine) and I cannot stay at his house. I want to say to him 'Why should I be sleeping with someone who can't welcome me to stay in his home, and on top of that can't absolutely assure me that that is ever going to change?' But perhaps this is too pushy – that it is only 6 months and I should give it more time. He did say, when I told him it felt like an affair and I never wanted to get into that situation, and that even if he's not in another relationship, he may as well be from my perspective if I can't stay at his home. He said he'd understand if I didn't want to see him any more although he wouldn't want that. Thank you for your advice. Sometimes I just can't see the wood for the trees. | |||
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