Hi,
I'd like your honest opinion on this - hope you can help.
My husband and I have been married for 16 years, one 9 year old, and have drifted apart for some years now. For me this has happened due to my husband behaving more like a single man than a married man, making big financial decisions by himself, making promises he doesn't keep, not helping with the maintenance or upkeep of our home, not looking after me when I've had flares of arthritis, and in general seeming to pay me very little attention. I've just recently managed to drag it out of him that depression is the problem, and I've got him to agree to seek help. He says that he's missing something in his life and doesn't know what it is, but the thing is, the restlessness and depression goes back to the very first year we were married. At first I thought it was not having the career he wanted, but honestly I wonder if he just simply shouldn't have got married in the first place. The LDS church we were going to that he was brought up in promotes early marriage, and he says that he got married because it was expected of him. I fell in to that trap too at the time as he was a return missionary and missionaries are said to make great potential husbands because of the high standards they keep. We got engaged in just three weeks, married a year later. Ha ha! I of course now see what rubbish that is! Religion doesn't automatically equal happiness.
So, on to my question. As a result of the above, my hubby and I haven't had a proper physical relationship in at least a year and a half. I know that spells death to a marriage sooner or later, especially when I read about it online recently. So, we've tried to bring things back. Trouble is, for me I'm thinking of someone else at the time. It's somebody I knew thirty years ago, that has strong feelings for me, and I have the utmost respect for and love deeply, but we cannot be together as we're both married..not sure if he has kids. Anyway, I'm still trying to get over him as when I emailed a while ago he didn't respond, good for him, as that was the right thing to do, but I know he has strong feelings as that was totally out of character of him as we were the best of friends, he once told me how he felt but I was too shy to go out, and all my other friends who I recently contacted all got back (I reached 40 and wanted to catch up) He has an online business and from that it's obvious he's affected by my contact as he's taken time out twice now, both times when I got in contact.
So what I've noticed the last two times during sex with my hubby is that my mind is drifting. The first time things felt a ton more than they usually did as I was thinking of the other guy, then the second time I told myself to just keep in the moment. So I did, and the boredom and lack of feeling like it used to be was there again...until at one point I had a flash thought about the other guy again and suddenly arousal went up. It sounds awful I know, and I don't want to be thinking of anyone else but my husband. I think it's because I'm not in love with him to be honest....got married too soon..my sex drive went down the first year we got married and hasn't come back. I'm sure it's escapism thinking about the other guy as what I have doesn't fulfil me. It's just awful to think that I'm so disconnected emotionally from my husband that making love isn't something I'm enjoying with him, when of course it should be the ultimate expression of my love for him. Many years ago I co nsidered leaving him due to the way I started to feel he was treating me, and now the physical stuff just says it all really. I've been trying to reconnect, do more stuff together etc, but if I can't enjoy intimacy then I guess it's not going to work. Any thoughts?
I'd like your honest opinion on this - hope you can help.
My husband and I have been married for 16 years, one 9 year old, and have drifted apart for some years now. For me this has happened due to my husband behaving more like a single man than a married man, making big financial decisions by himself, making promises he doesn't keep, not helping with the maintenance or upkeep of our home, not looking after me when I've had flares of arthritis, and in general seeming to pay me very little attention. I've just recently managed to drag it out of him that depression is the problem, and I've got him to agree to seek help. He says that he's missing something in his life and doesn't know what it is, but the thing is, the restlessness and depression goes back to the very first year we were married. At first I thought it was not having the career he wanted, but honestly I wonder if he just simply shouldn't have got married in the first place. The LDS church we were going to that he was brought up in promotes early marriage, and he says that he got married because it was expected of him. I fell in to that trap too at the time as he was a return missionary and missionaries are said to make great potential husbands because of the high standards they keep. We got engaged in just three weeks, married a year later. Ha ha! I of course now see what rubbish that is! Religion doesn't automatically equal happiness.
So, on to my question. As a result of the above, my hubby and I haven't had a proper physical relationship in at least a year and a half. I know that spells death to a marriage sooner or later, especially when I read about it online recently. So, we've tried to bring things back. Trouble is, for me I'm thinking of someone else at the time. It's somebody I knew thirty years ago, that has strong feelings for me, and I have the utmost respect for and love deeply, but we cannot be together as we're both married..not sure if he has kids. Anyway, I'm still trying to get over him as when I emailed a while ago he didn't respond, good for him, as that was the right thing to do, but I know he has strong feelings as that was totally out of character of him as we were the best of friends, he once told me how he felt but I was too shy to go out, and all my other friends who I recently contacted all got back (I reached 40 and wanted to catch up) He has an online business and from that it's obvious he's affected by my contact as he's taken time out twice now, both times when I got in contact.
So what I've noticed the last two times during sex with my hubby is that my mind is drifting. The first time things felt a ton more than they usually did as I was thinking of the other guy, then the second time I told myself to just keep in the moment. So I did, and the boredom and lack of feeling like it used to be was there again...until at one point I had a flash thought about the other guy again and suddenly arousal went up. It sounds awful I know, and I don't want to be thinking of anyone else but my husband. I think it's because I'm not in love with him to be honest....got married too soon..my sex drive went down the first year we got married and hasn't come back. I'm sure it's escapism thinking about the other guy as what I have doesn't fulfil me. It's just awful to think that I'm so disconnected emotionally from my husband that making love isn't something I'm enjoying with him, when of course it should be the ultimate expression of my love for him. Many years ago I co nsidered leaving him due to the way I started to feel he was treating me, and now the physical stuff just says it all really. I've been trying to reconnect, do more stuff together etc, but if I can't enjoy intimacy then I guess it's not going to work. Any thoughts?
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