I don't know if this will be a good thread or not and have debated sharing this here but finally decided to go ahead with it. This forum is fairly mainstream (and IMO conservative to a point) so that's why I hesitated but eh, here goes.
After over a decade of difficult issues with my husband we have finally separated. At first I did not know what the outcome of this would be.
We are madly in love, have a wonderful sex life, we respect and cherish each other...but we have always had some key issues we couldn't work out. These issues aren't a big deal compared to many marriages, but they are apparently not going to be resolved. We finally had to face this...yet we don't really want to split up. He is the love of my life, that part hasn't changed at all.
When we came to a crossroad and decided to separate, it was really scary. I didn't know if either of us might decide to just end it instead. But what happened was actually quite incredible...
We found that our main problem has really only been living together. We don't have kids in the home anymore, just the two of us, and our basic household style of living just never meshed well. This was the source of all of our unresolveable issues. When we took the living together part of it away, everything immediately got better.
We don't fight anymore, there's nothing to fight about. Our finances are separated, and even though that wasn't a big source of fights, it does help us each to be in full control of our own money and not have to worry what the other is doing. We are easily able to afford two households.
We really should have just kept both of our homes when we got together but like most people, we wanted to live together and merge. For us, that was the worst thing we could have done. We had no way of knowing that until we did it. Now we know better. Getting married was wonderful...moving in together was a disaster.
So at this time, we plan to have a loving, committed but separated marriage. I don't want anyone else, he doesn't either. We date each other and treat each other as guests in our respective homes. We will still vacation together, make investments together, and have each other as our heir in case of death and on life insurance policies.
Another issue coming up is that my mother is going to need some living assistance from me soon...she isn't there yet but it is right around the corner. So the plan right now is that I'm getting ready to sell my house and my mother and I will buy something together. My husband will buy a separate property nearby...or we may find a triplex or something that can accommodate all of us yet give us separate residences.
I know it is conventional wisdom that most separations lead to divorce. I think in our case it is different because neither of us were secretly trying to "get space" just to have more freedom and screw around or something like that. It truly was just that we realized we don't enjoy living together, even though we enjoy being married and committed.
I know there are a few alternative marriage models, usually having to do with the sex side of things: poly, open marriages, swinging, etc. I have actually been poly in the past and my husband has also been in alternative relationships before we met. Those models of marriage are great for some people, too. I really think we all need to rethink the marriage thing. Does it always have to look the same? What if you just aren't happy together in the traditional model but would be in some modified model?
This will sound immature, but the bottom line is that I never again want to fight over whose turn it is to clean the bathroom. I'll clean mine and he can clean his.
I love him so much and I'm so glad this is working out for us. There may be a time in the future when we live together again but for now, it is just like having the best boyfriend in the world and I do not want to live with him.
I think others could benefit from this model as well as some of the other alternative models. And I say this even though I have no moral dilemma with divorce. I think people should not be stigmatized for getting divorced, it is both a risk and an option for everyone. Alternative models may be a good option to avoid divorce for a lot of people though, and more and more are trying it.
This was a good article on this topic:
http://ift.tt/1K0PT5H
After over a decade of difficult issues with my husband we have finally separated. At first I did not know what the outcome of this would be.
We are madly in love, have a wonderful sex life, we respect and cherish each other...but we have always had some key issues we couldn't work out. These issues aren't a big deal compared to many marriages, but they are apparently not going to be resolved. We finally had to face this...yet we don't really want to split up. He is the love of my life, that part hasn't changed at all.
When we came to a crossroad and decided to separate, it was really scary. I didn't know if either of us might decide to just end it instead. But what happened was actually quite incredible...
We found that our main problem has really only been living together. We don't have kids in the home anymore, just the two of us, and our basic household style of living just never meshed well. This was the source of all of our unresolveable issues. When we took the living together part of it away, everything immediately got better.
We don't fight anymore, there's nothing to fight about. Our finances are separated, and even though that wasn't a big source of fights, it does help us each to be in full control of our own money and not have to worry what the other is doing. We are easily able to afford two households.
We really should have just kept both of our homes when we got together but like most people, we wanted to live together and merge. For us, that was the worst thing we could have done. We had no way of knowing that until we did it. Now we know better. Getting married was wonderful...moving in together was a disaster.
So at this time, we plan to have a loving, committed but separated marriage. I don't want anyone else, he doesn't either. We date each other and treat each other as guests in our respective homes. We will still vacation together, make investments together, and have each other as our heir in case of death and on life insurance policies.
Another issue coming up is that my mother is going to need some living assistance from me soon...she isn't there yet but it is right around the corner. So the plan right now is that I'm getting ready to sell my house and my mother and I will buy something together. My husband will buy a separate property nearby...or we may find a triplex or something that can accommodate all of us yet give us separate residences.
I know it is conventional wisdom that most separations lead to divorce. I think in our case it is different because neither of us were secretly trying to "get space" just to have more freedom and screw around or something like that. It truly was just that we realized we don't enjoy living together, even though we enjoy being married and committed.
I know there are a few alternative marriage models, usually having to do with the sex side of things: poly, open marriages, swinging, etc. I have actually been poly in the past and my husband has also been in alternative relationships before we met. Those models of marriage are great for some people, too. I really think we all need to rethink the marriage thing. Does it always have to look the same? What if you just aren't happy together in the traditional model but would be in some modified model?
This will sound immature, but the bottom line is that I never again want to fight over whose turn it is to clean the bathroom. I'll clean mine and he can clean his.
I love him so much and I'm so glad this is working out for us. There may be a time in the future when we live together again but for now, it is just like having the best boyfriend in the world and I do not want to live with him.
I think others could benefit from this model as well as some of the other alternative models. And I say this even though I have no moral dilemma with divorce. I think people should not be stigmatized for getting divorced, it is both a risk and an option for everyone. Alternative models may be a good option to avoid divorce for a lot of people though, and more and more are trying it.
This was a good article on this topic:
http://ift.tt/1K0PT5H
Put the internet to work for you.
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