Dear M –
I've been thinking a lot about where we went wrong, where our love faded and faltered. As I think of each of our issues with love, I came to realize that we start from very different points. If I understand you, and I hope I do, you need to feel safe in order to love. And this, it seems is where you stop. Love doesn't cross into emotional connection, because at its core emotional connection is not safe. Emotional connection means being truly yourself, being vulnerable, and thus binding to the other person. Love without emotional connection is loving from afar, and while you can love many people in your life from afar, romantic relationships cannot be sustained this way.
So you understand me, and I think you do, I need emotional connection first. I make myself vulnerable, perhaps before I even should, as part of making that emotional connection that, for me, leads to love. In fact, I cannot love without emotional connection. At least I cannot be in a romantic relationship without it.
Our dilemma speaks to unconditional love, which I suspect you need from me in order to risk emotional connection. What unconditional love is will vary depending on who you ask, but I think it's safe to say many would define it as loving another person no matter what. But love in romantic relationships cannot and should not be wholly without conditions. It is unhealthy to love unconditionally and without boundaries. Healthy boundaries are vital in a relationship. Not having boundaries means there is no line that the other person can cross. Let's say one person puts the marriage in financial jeopardy through gambling. If their partner has no boundary, they will simply accept thus enable the behavior. But if they have a boundary, then they hold the other person accountable. They let the other know when the line has been crossed. This allows the person with the boundary to keep their self respect by establishing what is expected.
The conditions of love are more than simply do not cheat, do not lie, do not neglect, do not abuse, do not put into financial ruin. When two people bind together purposefully and willingly, especially in a marriage, they do so because the relationship has some key components. It is mutually beneficial, pleasurable, and rewarding. Not everyone needs all three of these, but we all need one or two. But if these components are not there, or fade with time, then the love also fades.
For me, emotional connection is the core of the pleasure and the reward of a romantic relationship. I think of couples I have known who found mutual pleasure and benefit from some source outside of their relationship, only to find their love died over time. I knew a couple who loved to kayak together. At first, this seemed a great relationship, as they were sharing something that brought mutual pleasure and benefit. But that cannot be enough. You cannot always kayak together; life is more than outdoor adventures. That couple eventually broke up. I think of another couple, one you know as well, who shared in the excitement and pleasure of building and furnishing their dream home. When it was done, they threw big parties in their perfect home. And then what happened? They each cheated on the other. Why? Because their source of mutual pleasure and benefit was not each other; it was something outside of them.
Back to us and our dilemma. When you proposed, I was in what was probably the happiest time of my life. I loved where I lived, I had a simple and easy life with few cares. I wanted love and believed it could and should add to my happy life. So I gave up my simple life, the place I loved to live, but in so doing I gave up many things that made me happy. I traded happy simplicity for a chance at something more. I knew we weren't emotionally connected the way I wanted and needed us to be, but felt that my joy and enthusiasm and love to build that connection over time.
But what I didn't appreciate then is that you fear emotional connection. The very thing I need to be in a romantic relationship is the one thing you avoid in relationships at all cost. And so our love died. And as it died, we each became more frustrated with the other. The frustration started with me. I became frustrated because I felt no emotional connection. Our love was no longer pleasurable or beneficial. And then I began treating you badly. I lost respect for you. And I showed it. And of course you became frustrated with me. You saw that I no longer loved and accepted you as you are. The things I once overlooked were no longer ok. With love gone, the warts mattered.
After thinking a lot about "unconditional" love, I think it comes down to forgiveness and self control. Consider different scenarios when a spouse puts the couple in financial trouble. If the trouble was because of a poor investment decision, forgiveness may not be so hard. If its because of chronic overspending, forgiveness may be harder. The person shouldn't overspend, and perhaps they have an addiction and need help. You could probably forgive if the spending was under control and the over-spender sought treatment. But what if the partner doesn't get help and they keep spending? They may have even promised to get help but don't. Forgiveness changes from a moment in time to acceptance of a life of anxiety, worry, and hardship.
It is this last scenario that is the most difficult to live with. The partner who makes promises, but keeps doing the same things. Forgiveness may be possible, but the partner will likely also leave the relationship. It is in their best interest to do so.
That is where I am with your fear of emotional connection. Living without it is, for me, unhealthy. When we are no more than roommates, when I beg for connection knowing I cannot have it, my emotional well being is compromised. I live with anger and resentment that grow every day. I feel this because I do not believe you want emotional connection with others. It's something I've asked for, begged for, and finally demanded. What was something I could forgive if only it would be different has become something I doubt will ever be and thus I must accept. But I cannot.
I want you to be happy, and I hope you want the same for me. I simply do not believe we can find happiness in each other. And for that, I am sorry.
I've been thinking a lot about where we went wrong, where our love faded and faltered. As I think of each of our issues with love, I came to realize that we start from very different points. If I understand you, and I hope I do, you need to feel safe in order to love. And this, it seems is where you stop. Love doesn't cross into emotional connection, because at its core emotional connection is not safe. Emotional connection means being truly yourself, being vulnerable, and thus binding to the other person. Love without emotional connection is loving from afar, and while you can love many people in your life from afar, romantic relationships cannot be sustained this way.
So you understand me, and I think you do, I need emotional connection first. I make myself vulnerable, perhaps before I even should, as part of making that emotional connection that, for me, leads to love. In fact, I cannot love without emotional connection. At least I cannot be in a romantic relationship without it.
Our dilemma speaks to unconditional love, which I suspect you need from me in order to risk emotional connection. What unconditional love is will vary depending on who you ask, but I think it's safe to say many would define it as loving another person no matter what. But love in romantic relationships cannot and should not be wholly without conditions. It is unhealthy to love unconditionally and without boundaries. Healthy boundaries are vital in a relationship. Not having boundaries means there is no line that the other person can cross. Let's say one person puts the marriage in financial jeopardy through gambling. If their partner has no boundary, they will simply accept thus enable the behavior. But if they have a boundary, then they hold the other person accountable. They let the other know when the line has been crossed. This allows the person with the boundary to keep their self respect by establishing what is expected.
The conditions of love are more than simply do not cheat, do not lie, do not neglect, do not abuse, do not put into financial ruin. When two people bind together purposefully and willingly, especially in a marriage, they do so because the relationship has some key components. It is mutually beneficial, pleasurable, and rewarding. Not everyone needs all three of these, but we all need one or two. But if these components are not there, or fade with time, then the love also fades.
For me, emotional connection is the core of the pleasure and the reward of a romantic relationship. I think of couples I have known who found mutual pleasure and benefit from some source outside of their relationship, only to find their love died over time. I knew a couple who loved to kayak together. At first, this seemed a great relationship, as they were sharing something that brought mutual pleasure and benefit. But that cannot be enough. You cannot always kayak together; life is more than outdoor adventures. That couple eventually broke up. I think of another couple, one you know as well, who shared in the excitement and pleasure of building and furnishing their dream home. When it was done, they threw big parties in their perfect home. And then what happened? They each cheated on the other. Why? Because their source of mutual pleasure and benefit was not each other; it was something outside of them.
Back to us and our dilemma. When you proposed, I was in what was probably the happiest time of my life. I loved where I lived, I had a simple and easy life with few cares. I wanted love and believed it could and should add to my happy life. So I gave up my simple life, the place I loved to live, but in so doing I gave up many things that made me happy. I traded happy simplicity for a chance at something more. I knew we weren't emotionally connected the way I wanted and needed us to be, but felt that my joy and enthusiasm and love to build that connection over time.
But what I didn't appreciate then is that you fear emotional connection. The very thing I need to be in a romantic relationship is the one thing you avoid in relationships at all cost. And so our love died. And as it died, we each became more frustrated with the other. The frustration started with me. I became frustrated because I felt no emotional connection. Our love was no longer pleasurable or beneficial. And then I began treating you badly. I lost respect for you. And I showed it. And of course you became frustrated with me. You saw that I no longer loved and accepted you as you are. The things I once overlooked were no longer ok. With love gone, the warts mattered.
After thinking a lot about "unconditional" love, I think it comes down to forgiveness and self control. Consider different scenarios when a spouse puts the couple in financial trouble. If the trouble was because of a poor investment decision, forgiveness may not be so hard. If its because of chronic overspending, forgiveness may be harder. The person shouldn't overspend, and perhaps they have an addiction and need help. You could probably forgive if the spending was under control and the over-spender sought treatment. But what if the partner doesn't get help and they keep spending? They may have even promised to get help but don't. Forgiveness changes from a moment in time to acceptance of a life of anxiety, worry, and hardship.
It is this last scenario that is the most difficult to live with. The partner who makes promises, but keeps doing the same things. Forgiveness may be possible, but the partner will likely also leave the relationship. It is in their best interest to do so.
That is where I am with your fear of emotional connection. Living without it is, for me, unhealthy. When we are no more than roommates, when I beg for connection knowing I cannot have it, my emotional well being is compromised. I live with anger and resentment that grow every day. I feel this because I do not believe you want emotional connection with others. It's something I've asked for, begged for, and finally demanded. What was something I could forgive if only it would be different has become something I doubt will ever be and thus I must accept. But I cannot.
I want you to be happy, and I hope you want the same for me. I simply do not believe we can find happiness in each other. And for that, I am sorry.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment