Hi all, I'm new here, and yep, I'm married! :)
We've been married for almost 22 years with 3 kids and things are not good. I've been online reading about divorce for weeks, actually on and off for a couple of years but more intensely lately. After doing some reading here I think I've figured out that hubs has issues...and not just ordinary issues. I think he may have some kind of mental or emotional condition but I'm not quite sure what it would be. The one condition I really see mentioned on this forum a lot is BPD but I don't think it quite fits. Although I am brand spanking new to the topic.
Things have been slowly going down hill for us over the past several years. It's been me slowly withdrawing over time and it's now to the point where all feelings of respect/tenderness for him are gone. We have not had sex in over three years. He's played to many mind games over the years and hasn't grown emotionally at all. He's 42 years old and still throws tantrums like a six year old. He just doesn't seem to get how his behavior/attitude can be what has turned me off.
I've been spending a lot of time looking back over the years. He's always done things that make him seem insecure. He's constantly seeking approval from others, like he needs their attention to feel validated. He can be very socially awkard at times but only when he's feeling threatened by someone around him who seems vivacious or intelligent. He'll begin to stutter some of his words, I know when this is happening this is a sign that's he's under lots of pressure, like he feels that he needs to impress this person but his attempts always end with him stuttering, him loosing track of his thoughts mid-sentence and he'll use his key word phrase "ya know?". That key word phrase is what lets me know he's experiencing humiliation. The thing is though he does this to himself, no one is putting him under pressure to project this image of _________ fill in the blank. I'm not even sure how he's coming up with these supposed images he's supposed to be projecting. It's sad and pathetic t o watch this grown man doing this to himself. What is this behavior?
Looking back over the years I see now that things that he had me do for him were because he didn't have the balls to do them himself. We're talking simple things, like asking a waitress at a restaurant for ketchup. He would ask me to catch the waitress when I saw her walk by and ask for it. If I didn't see her as she walked by he wouldn't say anything to her, he'd just let her walk by and then proceed to chew me a new one. This happened over and over and over for years in different situations and places until I finally said something. Then wham!, he never asked me again. He all of a sudden seemed fine with doing it himself. What the heck? I don't understand why he would do any of this.
He does so many things that scream out passive/timid/afraid but to hear him talk about these things... he kicked ass. He's Mr. tough guy USA. When he's telling me a story about something that happened at work and he begins to stutter that's when I know he's full of it, he's lying to make himself look tough/smart/or whatever it is he needs to feel that day. He's always seeking out attention in any way he can get it. The guy has very low self esteem and I can't understand why. He's good looking and has a great family and a great job, he's successful as far as life goes. He could be one hell of a man but he seems to be so fragile.
Speaking of fragile, he doesn't handle stress well at all at times. Any amount of it, when he's in what seems to be like a mood of sorts. He literally crumbles/falls apart and becomes helpless. I've always had to step in and take care of things when he's going through what ever it is that makes him do this.
It's the fact that he seems to be so weak on the inside but yet tries to present himself as something else, tough/take charge and what not, that has taken it's toll on me. After 22 years I'm just now figuring this out. Why didn't I see all of this sooner?
What ever it is that's going on with him causes him to blame others for things, he doesn't know how to take responsibility for things, like he doesn't know it's ok to make mistakes, more than ok. He can't stand being seen at fault for something. His behavior causes him to be manipulative with me because he can't admit he's to weak or afraid to do something.
We had an argument a few months back that did a lot of damage. He wanted me to do something that I didn't want to do. I stated that he obviously didn't want to do it either. With as much bravado as he could muster he stated he had no problem doing it himself. I still refused to do it. He then began hurling insults, things he's never said before. Maybe he thought getting really mean would make me do it? This told me that he really badly did not want to do this thing. So the biggest fight of our 22 years together was over something that he wanted me to do, that I didn't want to do, that he had no problem doing himself. And that whole fight was my fault of course. He walked around for days acting like he had been devastatingly injured by it. He crossed a line that time, there was a fundamental change that occurred within me. Something that was well on it's way to dying, died. I cannot help to see him now as pathetic.
I've decided I will not leave just yet though. No way in hell am I leaving my kids subject to his issues after a divorce and he gets them 50/50. I'm going to stay in the marriage for my kids and continue to be the buffer I have to be between him and the kids. The kids see none of this, their dad is normal in their eyes, so a divorce would tear them up. It kills me that it's seen as normal.
One more thing, that I normally wouldn't mention because it's personal, but I'm trying to put this all out there in hopes of someone recognizing what this issue is. He's always been a premature ejaculator, never out grew it. I don't know for sure but I suspect it's a part of the whole picture. And on that front he's never been able to admit that it's part of why we don't have sex anymore. He blames me for giving up on sex.
I hope this isn't sounding to disjointed. I got to typing and the thoughts and words began to flow very quickly. I hope someone here will recognize what it is that's going on with my husband. I need to understand what it is I've been living with all these years. I'd appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you for reading!
We've been married for almost 22 years with 3 kids and things are not good. I've been online reading about divorce for weeks, actually on and off for a couple of years but more intensely lately. After doing some reading here I think I've figured out that hubs has issues...and not just ordinary issues. I think he may have some kind of mental or emotional condition but I'm not quite sure what it would be. The one condition I really see mentioned on this forum a lot is BPD but I don't think it quite fits. Although I am brand spanking new to the topic.
Things have been slowly going down hill for us over the past several years. It's been me slowly withdrawing over time and it's now to the point where all feelings of respect/tenderness for him are gone. We have not had sex in over three years. He's played to many mind games over the years and hasn't grown emotionally at all. He's 42 years old and still throws tantrums like a six year old. He just doesn't seem to get how his behavior/attitude can be what has turned me off.
I've been spending a lot of time looking back over the years. He's always done things that make him seem insecure. He's constantly seeking approval from others, like he needs their attention to feel validated. He can be very socially awkard at times but only when he's feeling threatened by someone around him who seems vivacious or intelligent. He'll begin to stutter some of his words, I know when this is happening this is a sign that's he's under lots of pressure, like he feels that he needs to impress this person but his attempts always end with him stuttering, him loosing track of his thoughts mid-sentence and he'll use his key word phrase "ya know?". That key word phrase is what lets me know he's experiencing humiliation. The thing is though he does this to himself, no one is putting him under pressure to project this image of _________ fill in the blank. I'm not even sure how he's coming up with these supposed images he's supposed to be projecting. It's sad and pathetic t o watch this grown man doing this to himself. What is this behavior?
Looking back over the years I see now that things that he had me do for him were because he didn't have the balls to do them himself. We're talking simple things, like asking a waitress at a restaurant for ketchup. He would ask me to catch the waitress when I saw her walk by and ask for it. If I didn't see her as she walked by he wouldn't say anything to her, he'd just let her walk by and then proceed to chew me a new one. This happened over and over and over for years in different situations and places until I finally said something. Then wham!, he never asked me again. He all of a sudden seemed fine with doing it himself. What the heck? I don't understand why he would do any of this.
He does so many things that scream out passive/timid/afraid but to hear him talk about these things... he kicked ass. He's Mr. tough guy USA. When he's telling me a story about something that happened at work and he begins to stutter that's when I know he's full of it, he's lying to make himself look tough/smart/or whatever it is he needs to feel that day. He's always seeking out attention in any way he can get it. The guy has very low self esteem and I can't understand why. He's good looking and has a great family and a great job, he's successful as far as life goes. He could be one hell of a man but he seems to be so fragile.
Speaking of fragile, he doesn't handle stress well at all at times. Any amount of it, when he's in what seems to be like a mood of sorts. He literally crumbles/falls apart and becomes helpless. I've always had to step in and take care of things when he's going through what ever it is that makes him do this.
It's the fact that he seems to be so weak on the inside but yet tries to present himself as something else, tough/take charge and what not, that has taken it's toll on me. After 22 years I'm just now figuring this out. Why didn't I see all of this sooner?
What ever it is that's going on with him causes him to blame others for things, he doesn't know how to take responsibility for things, like he doesn't know it's ok to make mistakes, more than ok. He can't stand being seen at fault for something. His behavior causes him to be manipulative with me because he can't admit he's to weak or afraid to do something.
We had an argument a few months back that did a lot of damage. He wanted me to do something that I didn't want to do. I stated that he obviously didn't want to do it either. With as much bravado as he could muster he stated he had no problem doing it himself. I still refused to do it. He then began hurling insults, things he's never said before. Maybe he thought getting really mean would make me do it? This told me that he really badly did not want to do this thing. So the biggest fight of our 22 years together was over something that he wanted me to do, that I didn't want to do, that he had no problem doing himself. And that whole fight was my fault of course. He walked around for days acting like he had been devastatingly injured by it. He crossed a line that time, there was a fundamental change that occurred within me. Something that was well on it's way to dying, died. I cannot help to see him now as pathetic.
I've decided I will not leave just yet though. No way in hell am I leaving my kids subject to his issues after a divorce and he gets them 50/50. I'm going to stay in the marriage for my kids and continue to be the buffer I have to be between him and the kids. The kids see none of this, their dad is normal in their eyes, so a divorce would tear them up. It kills me that it's seen as normal.
One more thing, that I normally wouldn't mention because it's personal, but I'm trying to put this all out there in hopes of someone recognizing what this issue is. He's always been a premature ejaculator, never out grew it. I don't know for sure but I suspect it's a part of the whole picture. And on that front he's never been able to admit that it's part of why we don't have sex anymore. He blames me for giving up on sex.
I hope this isn't sounding to disjointed. I got to typing and the thoughts and words began to flow very quickly. I hope someone here will recognize what it is that's going on with my husband. I need to understand what it is I've been living with all these years. I'd appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you for reading!
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