OK, 33 months after Dday, OW STILL contacts FWH by text, phone call and email perhaps every 8-12 weeks. He wrote her a NC letter a year ago after not taking action for a year and half. While I had been very vigilant up until recently, I had slacked off thinking she finally had moved on.
Today, just for the hell of it, I checked his email and this is what I read:
"Hello
Wow...what a year this has been. Many changes, losses, and growth. Hope you are doing well...I think of you often...My wish for you is that you are happy with the choices you made. I don't think you will ever understand the emotional damage you caused by engaging in an affair with me for over 6 years. (My family and yours). You can suppress all you want, but you can never forget. You CAUSED much heartache and destruction and acted like it was nothing...for whatever reason I do not know.
I..."
The email broke off as if she was interrupted or hit the send button by mistake. It was written at 2:59AM
WTF?
I copied the message for my records and deleted it from his email as he has asked me to do if ever I were to intercept one of her emails, texts or calls.
A little backstory: they kept up intermittent contact by phone for 1and 1/2 years after Dday, mostly initiated by her and mostly intercepted by me...I never set firm boundaries until a year ago when I threatened to divorce...too much fear and fighting for marriage, etc. I have access to his email and phone and check phone bills every month. In a NC letter to her and a separate letter to her husband, a former friend, H took responsibility and apologized more to them, for the destruction and pain he caused than he did to me, in my opinion. Whatever.
We have kept this affair secret from our children, family and friends and I was told by her husband they did the same. He has also said they never talk about her affair, have not had counseling, have not read any written advice (books, internet, etc.) She has an alcohol problem, was bulimic as a teen and has poor self esteem according to her husband.
We considered at one time meeting together with her and her husband to give closure, correct her assumptions about our marriage, reaffirm our love for each other and desire to rebuild our marriage in person(She has indicated previously that she believes I forced him to write NC letter) etc but decided even negative attention was giving her too much.
We don't want to enact a restraining order on her as we live in a very small town and everyone would eventually know. We discussed changing email and phone # but they are his business contacts and she could easily find out new ones since we have many mutual friends.
My husband is remorseful and feels like s**t but has been generally unwilling to continue discussing the affair after nearly 3 years. I am fed up with it too, just wanting to move on but every couple of months she keeps intruding in our attempts of rebuilding and I go off triggering for weeks afterward...this is like the 7th level of Hell for me.
Should I personally email her? Send her a book on infidelity anonymously, talk to her husband, who has remained friendly with me? Share with husband? Yes I know he WAS a sorry POS but he has been trying so hard to make it up to me and knows the hurt he caused me will never disappear.
I think she is guilt ridden for her betrayal and pain inflicted on her husband and me, she has never taken responsibility for her part nor has she ever apologized to me. She is obviously blameshifting, feeling the rugsweeping consequences and may have serious mental issues: bipolar, depression, and/or alcoholism, etc.
I felt compassion for her for the first time today reading this pathetic email.
Any advice? What can we possibly do to stop this craziness and be left alone to heal?
Today, just for the hell of it, I checked his email and this is what I read:
"Hello
Wow...what a year this has been. Many changes, losses, and growth. Hope you are doing well...I think of you often...My wish for you is that you are happy with the choices you made. I don't think you will ever understand the emotional damage you caused by engaging in an affair with me for over 6 years. (My family and yours). You can suppress all you want, but you can never forget. You CAUSED much heartache and destruction and acted like it was nothing...for whatever reason I do not know.
I..."
The email broke off as if she was interrupted or hit the send button by mistake. It was written at 2:59AM
WTF?
I copied the message for my records and deleted it from his email as he has asked me to do if ever I were to intercept one of her emails, texts or calls.
A little backstory: they kept up intermittent contact by phone for 1and 1/2 years after Dday, mostly initiated by her and mostly intercepted by me...I never set firm boundaries until a year ago when I threatened to divorce...too much fear and fighting for marriage, etc. I have access to his email and phone and check phone bills every month. In a NC letter to her and a separate letter to her husband, a former friend, H took responsibility and apologized more to them, for the destruction and pain he caused than he did to me, in my opinion. Whatever.
We have kept this affair secret from our children, family and friends and I was told by her husband they did the same. He has also said they never talk about her affair, have not had counseling, have not read any written advice (books, internet, etc.) She has an alcohol problem, was bulimic as a teen and has poor self esteem according to her husband.
We considered at one time meeting together with her and her husband to give closure, correct her assumptions about our marriage, reaffirm our love for each other and desire to rebuild our marriage in person(She has indicated previously that she believes I forced him to write NC letter) etc but decided even negative attention was giving her too much.
We don't want to enact a restraining order on her as we live in a very small town and everyone would eventually know. We discussed changing email and phone # but they are his business contacts and she could easily find out new ones since we have many mutual friends.
My husband is remorseful and feels like s**t but has been generally unwilling to continue discussing the affair after nearly 3 years. I am fed up with it too, just wanting to move on but every couple of months she keeps intruding in our attempts of rebuilding and I go off triggering for weeks afterward...this is like the 7th level of Hell for me.
Should I personally email her? Send her a book on infidelity anonymously, talk to her husband, who has remained friendly with me? Share with husband? Yes I know he WAS a sorry POS but he has been trying so hard to make it up to me and knows the hurt he caused me will never disappear.
I think she is guilt ridden for her betrayal and pain inflicted on her husband and me, she has never taken responsibility for her part nor has she ever apologized to me. She is obviously blameshifting, feeling the rugsweeping consequences and may have serious mental issues: bipolar, depression, and/or alcoholism, etc.
I felt compassion for her for the first time today reading this pathetic email.
Any advice? What can we possibly do to stop this craziness and be left alone to heal?
Put the internet to work for you.
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