I am considering divorce and I would like as much advice as I can get. I wont give all the details because that could go on a long time, but I will give some background.
I have been married for 23 years. My H has been a heavy drug user on and off for more than 10 years. This caused financial problems, and he was emotionally abusive...obvious problems associated with drug use. I wanted out but he threatened suicide if I mentioned leaving, so I stayed. However, I finally had all I could stand and I left. While we were separated, I was seeing another man. I know I was wrong and I take responsibility for it. We are back together and I told him about it and asked his forgiveness. I dont know if he ever cheated on me but there is evidence that makes me suspicious although I never had proof. We agreed to do whatever we could to make the marriage work.
He is now using again and he cant get over my "mistake". Things are not really good and I think every day about divorce. My problem is I dont want to hurt him. He obviously has problems he cant control and I dont have the heart to abandon him. I really dont want anything bad to happen to him.
I have read "Codependent No More", and "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay", but I still struggle with how to handle this. I have made a list of reasons to leave and reasons to stay. I would like to share this list in hopes that someone can give me their opinions.
Reasons to leave: 1. He's on drugs 2. He's a hothead 3. He cant get over my mistake and I feel like I "Pay for it" every day. 4. He's always sad and angry 5. we cant go certain places or do certain thing because it is a "trigger" to him about why I did and he gets angry 6. He always thinks I'm doing things behind his back so I dont go out or talk to anyone 7. He has trouble having sex with me 8. He keeps me very stressed 9. I dont trust him or anything he says, he lies a lot 10. He's too flirty with women and possibly cheated on me or was trying to 11. He manipulates me 12. I'm not happy, hes not happy
Reasons to stay: 1. I love him (I know that sounds ridiculous) 2. He tries to make me happy despite everything else 3. he supports me financially 4. I know he loves me 5. I will miss him and be lonely 6. I am afraid of what he will do (Suicide) 7. I dont want to hurt him 8. Spiritual reason (is this right in God's eyes?) 9. I feel guilty and dont want to abandon him 10. Despite all of the bad things he does, he can be a good husband, he has a big heart and he shows me he cares by comforting me when I am sad and doing anything I want to do even if he doesnt want to or doesnt feel good. He is very affectionate and always tells me he loves me and wants to show me he does.
I dont know what is best for me or him. We are both trying to make it work but there is so much between us. I cant afford counseling, thats why I am here. Maybe someone can help me...please.
I have been married for 23 years. My H has been a heavy drug user on and off for more than 10 years. This caused financial problems, and he was emotionally abusive...obvious problems associated with drug use. I wanted out but he threatened suicide if I mentioned leaving, so I stayed. However, I finally had all I could stand and I left. While we were separated, I was seeing another man. I know I was wrong and I take responsibility for it. We are back together and I told him about it and asked his forgiveness. I dont know if he ever cheated on me but there is evidence that makes me suspicious although I never had proof. We agreed to do whatever we could to make the marriage work.
He is now using again and he cant get over my "mistake". Things are not really good and I think every day about divorce. My problem is I dont want to hurt him. He obviously has problems he cant control and I dont have the heart to abandon him. I really dont want anything bad to happen to him.
I have read "Codependent No More", and "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay", but I still struggle with how to handle this. I have made a list of reasons to leave and reasons to stay. I would like to share this list in hopes that someone can give me their opinions.
Reasons to leave: 1. He's on drugs 2. He's a hothead 3. He cant get over my mistake and I feel like I "Pay for it" every day. 4. He's always sad and angry 5. we cant go certain places or do certain thing because it is a "trigger" to him about why I did and he gets angry 6. He always thinks I'm doing things behind his back so I dont go out or talk to anyone 7. He has trouble having sex with me 8. He keeps me very stressed 9. I dont trust him or anything he says, he lies a lot 10. He's too flirty with women and possibly cheated on me or was trying to 11. He manipulates me 12. I'm not happy, hes not happy
Reasons to stay: 1. I love him (I know that sounds ridiculous) 2. He tries to make me happy despite everything else 3. he supports me financially 4. I know he loves me 5. I will miss him and be lonely 6. I am afraid of what he will do (Suicide) 7. I dont want to hurt him 8. Spiritual reason (is this right in God's eyes?) 9. I feel guilty and dont want to abandon him 10. Despite all of the bad things he does, he can be a good husband, he has a big heart and he shows me he cares by comforting me when I am sad and doing anything I want to do even if he doesnt want to or doesnt feel good. He is very affectionate and always tells me he loves me and wants to show me he does.
I dont know what is best for me or him. We are both trying to make it work but there is so much between us. I cant afford counseling, thats why I am here. Maybe someone can help me...please.
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