Hello All, I have written another thread in the divorce/seperation forum highlighting what has recently happened in my marriage but unfortunately it has gotten worse and i need some serious help/advice. This is going to be a long post so bear with me.
My husband has had depression problems the past 1-2 years, it hasnt been very serious just him sleeping alot. He has always been able to function at work and even at home. Until about 2 months ago he was still a smiling, loving and generally happy guy. He is Japanese btw, I am american and we live in Tokyo.
Then I went on a vacation to America to visit my family in August and when i got back it was like a switch was thrown. He suddenly became a totally different person. He started accusing me of being selfish, of not caring about his feelings, blaming me for a variety of things outside of my control and blamed me for essentially hurting his self esteem. I thought, okay maybe he was mad I went to visit my family and had a good time while he was here working. We skyped each other every night and said that we loved and missed each other while I was away so I thought he was doing fine.
two weeks after having come home we had a small fight, it was really nothing serious. There is a new attraction near our home, the Tokyo Sky Tree, so we went to see it but it was so busy there was no way we could go see it, so I asked him to take me home so we could have lunch. I was pretty mad we couldnt go see the sky tree but with a 4 hour wait i thought it was crazy to wait in line that long. Suddenly he clammed up and looked mad. We got home and he grabbed a few things and marched straight back out the door. I couldnt understand why he was so angry but when he came back he suddenly unloaded a whole lot of hurtful things on to me.
He said he no longer loved me, he wanted me to go back to america, he hates that i am grumpy all the time, I am selfish, I dont care about him, we should never have been married, ect. He said so much stuff that I had never known about and really had no idea he felt that way. He also said he wanted a divorce and nothing would change his mind.
A few days passed and he said he feeling had not changed so I called his family and mine and told them what had happened.
Unfortunately, him and I work at the same company and we see each other everyday. I was so depressed over what he said I called my boss and asked for some time off. My husband found out and accused me of trying to hurt his reputation! He further stated that I was so selfish and only thought of myself. Of course that is not what I was trying to do! I was trying to take a time out so I could handle my own feelings. I teach English here and I need to be smiling and happy for my students.
Further more he accused me of trying to ruin his relationship with his family. I did not say anything to them other than " we are fighting and he says he does not love me anymore. I am very sorry for this."
So I took my time off and hung out with close friends and told them also what was going on. I thought for a time that maybe my husband had an affair on me but it seems that is not the case.
Two months later, his depression symptoms have doubled. He has become super angry, critical, sometimes violent (not with me but he will blow up and hit things) he continues to say he does not love me, ect. He blames his depression on me, says that I hurt his self esteem by talking to people about my problems, by being honest with what is going on with my family and friends. Sometimes I facebook people my status but it is never derogatory towards him and is very general. The only time I did facebook something direct I deleted the post right after having posted it due to second thoughts and feeling ashamed that I did it.
I try to keep my cool but its so hard not to cry or get angry when he acts like that.I talk to my friends alot and some close coworkers for advice, I also email my family and call them all the time to update them on my situation.
Last night I found out my husband spied on my emails, this generally is not a problem because I dont keep anything too personal in it however my emails with my mom were there and in it we discussed how to proceed or prevent a divorce, what i need to do to protect myself and what I am entitled to under Japanese law. I also said I thought my husband might be lying to me and he is being childish and immature. Honestly, the emails were not that bad and not outside what would normally be written in a situation like this. However to him this has become a full blown crisis!
He printed out every one of my emails and when i confronted him about it, he said I made everything worse! He said I was supposed to help him, the point of the marriage was me saving him and when I told him that I cant save him from his depression and he needs to go to the doctor he asked what is the point of marriage? I told him marriage isnt about me having his answers, its about working together to solve problems. He cant expect me to be the golden answer for everything!
He also told me he doesnt like pressure, he doesnt like the pressure of marriage. Everytime I confront him about the things he is saying he changes his story or tries to make excuses for it.
I dont make excuses for the things I do. I did NOT apologize for the emails and stated that considering the way he is acting I have the right to protect myself and my family is very worried about me and wants my interests protected. I also know what I do right and wrong in the relationship but everytime i make a move to protect myself, taking time off, talking to people, ect it makes him more and more volatile. He cannot see that he is seriously hurting me and I am trying to keep my mind together so that I dont fall into depression myself.
admittidly sometimes i do lash out, say mean things or try to avoid him/ignore him so we dont argue with each other but no matter what I do I am made to be the bad guy. I also found out he told his parents lies about me and now they think divorce is the best thing when they dont even know my side of the story. It has gotten totally out of hand!
He tries to make me feel guilty for the steps I have taken so far and sometimes its easy to blame myself and think I made things worse but I know that I am not 100% to blame for this and I wont let him drag me down. I want to fight for my marriage but I dont know how =( I have questioned weather or not I had problems, like depression, a personality disorder or something because of how crappy and guilty he made me feel over this.
His depression is not professionally diagnosed so it could be that he is flat out lying to me. I am hoping to get him to a hospital to have him checked out. Luckly his brother is also pushing him to go see a doctor. However, if the doctor does not prescribe him some sort of medication of therapy I feel our marriage is doomed.
I keep praying for a miracle but it feels like none is in sight. Yesterday after the email arguement and after he cried for 30 minutes in his fog he called city hall to file for the divorce without even consulting me first. I think he did this on an emotional whim.
I am wondering if I should file for a Non Divorce Appeal (it will stop the process for 6 months) or if at this point i should just let go and let whats going to happen happen.
Thanks for reading this very long post, today we are working with each other again on the job and things are civil but I know when we get home its going to turn into war again. I wish i could seperate from him but I have no where to go in Japan and no money to get my own place. I only get paid once a month for a part time job and my husband only works part time due to his depression.
Any thoughts, advice or suggestions is greatly appriciated. Thanks!
My husband has had depression problems the past 1-2 years, it hasnt been very serious just him sleeping alot. He has always been able to function at work and even at home. Until about 2 months ago he was still a smiling, loving and generally happy guy. He is Japanese btw, I am american and we live in Tokyo.
Then I went on a vacation to America to visit my family in August and when i got back it was like a switch was thrown. He suddenly became a totally different person. He started accusing me of being selfish, of not caring about his feelings, blaming me for a variety of things outside of my control and blamed me for essentially hurting his self esteem. I thought, okay maybe he was mad I went to visit my family and had a good time while he was here working. We skyped each other every night and said that we loved and missed each other while I was away so I thought he was doing fine.
two weeks after having come home we had a small fight, it was really nothing serious. There is a new attraction near our home, the Tokyo Sky Tree, so we went to see it but it was so busy there was no way we could go see it, so I asked him to take me home so we could have lunch. I was pretty mad we couldnt go see the sky tree but with a 4 hour wait i thought it was crazy to wait in line that long. Suddenly he clammed up and looked mad. We got home and he grabbed a few things and marched straight back out the door. I couldnt understand why he was so angry but when he came back he suddenly unloaded a whole lot of hurtful things on to me.
He said he no longer loved me, he wanted me to go back to america, he hates that i am grumpy all the time, I am selfish, I dont care about him, we should never have been married, ect. He said so much stuff that I had never known about and really had no idea he felt that way. He also said he wanted a divorce and nothing would change his mind.
A few days passed and he said he feeling had not changed so I called his family and mine and told them what had happened.
Unfortunately, him and I work at the same company and we see each other everyday. I was so depressed over what he said I called my boss and asked for some time off. My husband found out and accused me of trying to hurt his reputation! He further stated that I was so selfish and only thought of myself. Of course that is not what I was trying to do! I was trying to take a time out so I could handle my own feelings. I teach English here and I need to be smiling and happy for my students.
Further more he accused me of trying to ruin his relationship with his family. I did not say anything to them other than " we are fighting and he says he does not love me anymore. I am very sorry for this."
So I took my time off and hung out with close friends and told them also what was going on. I thought for a time that maybe my husband had an affair on me but it seems that is not the case.
Two months later, his depression symptoms have doubled. He has become super angry, critical, sometimes violent (not with me but he will blow up and hit things) he continues to say he does not love me, ect. He blames his depression on me, says that I hurt his self esteem by talking to people about my problems, by being honest with what is going on with my family and friends. Sometimes I facebook people my status but it is never derogatory towards him and is very general. The only time I did facebook something direct I deleted the post right after having posted it due to second thoughts and feeling ashamed that I did it.
I try to keep my cool but its so hard not to cry or get angry when he acts like that.I talk to my friends alot and some close coworkers for advice, I also email my family and call them all the time to update them on my situation.
Last night I found out my husband spied on my emails, this generally is not a problem because I dont keep anything too personal in it however my emails with my mom were there and in it we discussed how to proceed or prevent a divorce, what i need to do to protect myself and what I am entitled to under Japanese law. I also said I thought my husband might be lying to me and he is being childish and immature. Honestly, the emails were not that bad and not outside what would normally be written in a situation like this. However to him this has become a full blown crisis!
He printed out every one of my emails and when i confronted him about it, he said I made everything worse! He said I was supposed to help him, the point of the marriage was me saving him and when I told him that I cant save him from his depression and he needs to go to the doctor he asked what is the point of marriage? I told him marriage isnt about me having his answers, its about working together to solve problems. He cant expect me to be the golden answer for everything!
He also told me he doesnt like pressure, he doesnt like the pressure of marriage. Everytime I confront him about the things he is saying he changes his story or tries to make excuses for it.
I dont make excuses for the things I do. I did NOT apologize for the emails and stated that considering the way he is acting I have the right to protect myself and my family is very worried about me and wants my interests protected. I also know what I do right and wrong in the relationship but everytime i make a move to protect myself, taking time off, talking to people, ect it makes him more and more volatile. He cannot see that he is seriously hurting me and I am trying to keep my mind together so that I dont fall into depression myself.
admittidly sometimes i do lash out, say mean things or try to avoid him/ignore him so we dont argue with each other but no matter what I do I am made to be the bad guy. I also found out he told his parents lies about me and now they think divorce is the best thing when they dont even know my side of the story. It has gotten totally out of hand!
He tries to make me feel guilty for the steps I have taken so far and sometimes its easy to blame myself and think I made things worse but I know that I am not 100% to blame for this and I wont let him drag me down. I want to fight for my marriage but I dont know how =( I have questioned weather or not I had problems, like depression, a personality disorder or something because of how crappy and guilty he made me feel over this.
His depression is not professionally diagnosed so it could be that he is flat out lying to me. I am hoping to get him to a hospital to have him checked out. Luckly his brother is also pushing him to go see a doctor. However, if the doctor does not prescribe him some sort of medication of therapy I feel our marriage is doomed.
I keep praying for a miracle but it feels like none is in sight. Yesterday after the email arguement and after he cried for 30 minutes in his fog he called city hall to file for the divorce without even consulting me first. I think he did this on an emotional whim.
I am wondering if I should file for a Non Divorce Appeal (it will stop the process for 6 months) or if at this point i should just let go and let whats going to happen happen.
Thanks for reading this very long post, today we are working with each other again on the job and things are civil but I know when we get home its going to turn into war again. I wish i could seperate from him but I have no where to go in Japan and no money to get my own place. I only get paid once a month for a part time job and my husband only works part time due to his depression.
Any thoughts, advice or suggestions is greatly appriciated. Thanks!
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