I am terrified because I think my relationship is in the process of dying, and I don't know how to stop it. I can't afford MC right now. I may be losing my job.
Two months ago I wouldn't have written this, but these past months have been horrid. Few days have gone by without a crisis between us. He is really stressed out about work, really unhappy, so that's part of it. But he brings all that home and is also extremely controlling in, as someone here said, an unhealthy way. He's always controlling, but I think the work stress has made him worse.
At first I tried to talk through our crises, to work them out, but that infuriated him and he would run away (or actually drive away) for hours. I sought advice here, and people suggested I stop talking when he was clearly getting upset. So I did (I was surprisingly successful at that because I had so many opportunities to practice in short succession). So he hasn't had to run away anymore and things have been surface calmer (still many problems, I just don't engage anymore).
The problem is this: I'm feeling over the course of this that my heart is dying in my chest. I am exerting extreme control over my emotions to stay surface calm and not provoke him. Often I am choking down a lot of pain and frustration. I have little mantras in my head "Say nothing... say nothing" that I chant silently when trying to control myself.
I feel unsupported and unloved. I feel my needs are not being met. He can roll his eyes and tear into me about the way I'm cooking dinner but I can't tell him that he's making me feel disrespected. He can have a temper tantrum and throw something against a wall near my head, but I can't tell him how that makes me feel without provoking a worse temper tantrum. He can refuse to listen to my work crisis after I spent considerable time listening to his the night before (just before he blew up and threw something in the vicinity of my head).
The thing is... I think he's oblivious, actually. Right after blowing up about dinner he reverts to normal, and while I'm struggling to control my frustration at him he has forgotten about it. Right after throwing something near my head, he asked if I wanted to watch the TV news. Right after refusing to listen to me about my work crisis, he asked if I wanted to watch a funny video he had just seen.
I don't get it. The only thing I do know is that I'm really hurting, can't talk about it without him blowing up, and am starting to feel ... well nothing except a desire for self preservation. Tonight as I struggled to calm down and sleep after him refusing to listen to my work problem, I found myself reciting a new mantra: "I might lose my job... I might lose my job..." as in... I better not make him too angry because I don't want him to leave me because I need the combined income just now. :(
This is terrible. I feel horrible and ashamed about that mantra - but it's honestly what popped into my head...
I know he's going through a hard time, and I'm supposed to be strong for him. I need to be the better person, but it's killing something in me. Will that something grow again if... when... his stressors go away? I don't know.
Caro
Two months ago I wouldn't have written this, but these past months have been horrid. Few days have gone by without a crisis between us. He is really stressed out about work, really unhappy, so that's part of it. But he brings all that home and is also extremely controlling in, as someone here said, an unhealthy way. He's always controlling, but I think the work stress has made him worse.
At first I tried to talk through our crises, to work them out, but that infuriated him and he would run away (or actually drive away) for hours. I sought advice here, and people suggested I stop talking when he was clearly getting upset. So I did (I was surprisingly successful at that because I had so many opportunities to practice in short succession). So he hasn't had to run away anymore and things have been surface calmer (still many problems, I just don't engage anymore).
The problem is this: I'm feeling over the course of this that my heart is dying in my chest. I am exerting extreme control over my emotions to stay surface calm and not provoke him. Often I am choking down a lot of pain and frustration. I have little mantras in my head "Say nothing... say nothing" that I chant silently when trying to control myself.
I feel unsupported and unloved. I feel my needs are not being met. He can roll his eyes and tear into me about the way I'm cooking dinner but I can't tell him that he's making me feel disrespected. He can have a temper tantrum and throw something against a wall near my head, but I can't tell him how that makes me feel without provoking a worse temper tantrum. He can refuse to listen to my work crisis after I spent considerable time listening to his the night before (just before he blew up and threw something in the vicinity of my head).
The thing is... I think he's oblivious, actually. Right after blowing up about dinner he reverts to normal, and while I'm struggling to control my frustration at him he has forgotten about it. Right after throwing something near my head, he asked if I wanted to watch the TV news. Right after refusing to listen to me about my work crisis, he asked if I wanted to watch a funny video he had just seen.
I don't get it. The only thing I do know is that I'm really hurting, can't talk about it without him blowing up, and am starting to feel ... well nothing except a desire for self preservation. Tonight as I struggled to calm down and sleep after him refusing to listen to my work problem, I found myself reciting a new mantra: "I might lose my job... I might lose my job..." as in... I better not make him too angry because I don't want him to leave me because I need the combined income just now. :(
This is terrible. I feel horrible and ashamed about that mantra - but it's honestly what popped into my head...
I know he's going through a hard time, and I'm supposed to be strong for him. I need to be the better person, but it's killing something in me. Will that something grow again if... when... his stressors go away? I don't know.
Caro
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