I was part of a fetish community for a brief period of time.
I am ashamed to admit that, but only do so in the interests of candour and relevance with regards to my current post.
I recieved an email about 3 months ago from a girl from the website, and she shall we say was a maschosist and was looking for someone to spank her in order to serve as a form of disclipine and behaviour modification, and subsequently to my horror, to help her "atone" for being a survivor of sexual abuse.
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, I had a lot of baggage about the fetish community and spanking in general and truth be told, the notion of "hurting" a woman even consensually was nauseating for me. I didn't want to take advantage of someone elses grief and pain for my own pleasure.
Suprise Suprise she met with other guys, who were possessive and abusive towards her. Didnt respect her limits and took advantage of her.
She gravitated towards me and given she was working two jobs, lived some distance away from me, was due to start university in September and was moving very near to my current area; I felt ok with keeping the relationship virtual, at least, until she was more settled and given that she was living in an area, and attending a university that was 5 mins away from where I live....
She had mood swings and would take offence at the tiniest of things. Onetime, when I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and didnt tell her, she started ranting at me for leaving her and making her feel second best!
Anytime I expressed a wish to draw the friendship to a close she got panicked, and I was basically bribed with....well, all sorts of things. I was not comfortable with what she was proposing, and truly felt a connection (rightly or wrongly) with her because of our common history.
She said how she felt safe with me. How, the prospect of sex and other forms of intimacy with me didn't feel dirty. And like a chump I was flattered.
We were supposed to meet for coffee today; and last night on facebook, she asked for confirmation of the details.
Given that she had been away all weekend on a outdoor activity package, along with a 6 hour drive; I suggested:
"X; if your tired, we can postpone. I know you must be absolutely dead on your feet, so its no biggie if you wanna meet another day."
From there, she started saying why was I pressuring her, and stressing her. She was all settled about it, and now she was scared to meet. I had spoiled her weekend and she was going to bed before things got really ugly.
We seemed to patch it up and we agreed on a more convenient time and place.
20 mins later, she sends me a message saying she cant do "this anymore"; meaning not only the coffee but the friendship as well. Its too intense, she has too many issues to deal with anyone elses; and maybe in time she can be a pillar, but not right now.
Anytime I have attempted to discuss my feelings, or issues; I am quickly shut down and the conversation brought round to her. I let slip my mother was in hospital with cancer, somehow we managed to get back onto her about her abusive ex.
In fact, she often complained that the conversations were too much about her, and she felt under the microscope, and that I rarely spoke about myself!
So to be honest, I think the assertion I was being overly needy or grasping is unfair and untrue.
I am feeling so angry at how selfish and manipulative she has been. She has pontificated at length how her ex had messed with her head and toyed with her and then "disposed of her like a toy he got bored with." And that is exactly how I feel: took us 3 months to even get a promise of a coffee; then boom, the very night before its supposed to take place she gets cold feet.
Oh and shes blocked me on facebook, KIK, my mobile number etc. Once she said her piece, boom that was it.
I dont like being used as an unpaid counsellor for three months and then basically told to f*** off once the person gets what they want.
Im so angry.
Put the internet to work for you.
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