After being divorced for a couple of years (I'm 40, had no kids and made a clean break with the ex) and dating several women I met a 39 y.o. divorced woman who didn't want kids and we really clicked. This is my first committed relationship since my divorce.
She was in two relationships after her divorce (she's been divorced for 3 years). The first was with a millionaire that ended up cheating and made her paranoid. The second was with a real douchey, drunk kind of guy that treated her nicely but didn't want to commit and they saw each other on and off for a year, whom she was still seeing when she met me. She likes to party and get drunk occasionally and really liked that about this guy.
We had a rocky relationship stemming from trust issues, my ex-wife cheated on me and her millionaire ex-boyfriend cheated on her and we both have difficult personalities.
She has always been extremely insecure of a couple of my female friends who I foolishly confessed to her find me attractive but never went beyond that.
One day she got a text from the douchey guy she dated and I could tell she was nervous, until I really pushed her she confessed it was him just saying hello (she showed me the message). After I made my point clear I would not tolerate contact with her exes, she said she would do anything necessary to get him to stop contacting her. She then changed her mind and said I should just trust her, so I dump her. She calls crying and begging so I take her back.
I investigate who this guy is and he seems to be the complete opposite from me (although we look alike), he is superficial, egotistical, very social, never married and posts his whole life on Facebook. So I start losing respect for my girlfriend...how could she have slept with this guy that she begged to have a relationship with but he never committed?. Did she fool me into have such high standards?.
So I keep having contact with my female friends, because they support and give me valuable insight on my relationship. I outright lie about this (very big mistake, because there is nothing bad really going on, I just don't want her feeling insecure and now she is insecure).
She is very emotionally dependent on her friends and tells them all our problems and they act as harsh judges and tell her what is best for her. This really bothers me and I repeatedly tell her to be discreet. I can tell when she has talked to them because she behaves like a different person
One day she finds her millionaire ex in an event and they talk (she told me everything). She says she is so happy that she is with me, but she clearly was shaken because this guy was the the one who hurt her and talked too much about him. I get insecure and we have an argument and stop talking for a day.
I text my female friends and they tell me its a mistake I'm insecure and its always a big issue seeing an ex that hurt you and that I shouldn't make it and issue.
That same day she shows up unannounced at my office and threatens me that she will end things if I don't show her my texts (she reads texts with my female friends talking about her being jealous and controlling and me being insecure) so she gets crazy and threatens again to end the relationship, so I dump her again thinking she's looking for reasons to go back to her ex. Then comes back and hears me out and she's hurt and distrustful but wants us to be together.
Things keep going but have many heated arguments about the women I've dated before her (but have no contact with), my ex-wife, lying about my female friends, his millionaire ex-boyfriend, his douchey ex-lover.
We keep having a rocky relationship but want to be together and decide to move in. We have a hard time talking about rules and finances and she has unrealistic expectations and views of how living together should be, no doubt fueled by her friends because she goes back on some of the things we have already agreed on.
I back out from living together when she told me we're not as happy as she thinks we should be, because other couples seem happier. She says I'm afraid of commitment.
She gets bitter, angry and depressed more every day since then and we argue even more. She goes to see a psychiatrist who tell her she is depressed and should go on medication.
One day I hand her my phone so she could see some texts a friend of her sent me and she starts questioning me about my contacts and who some girls were (some I've dated but have no contact with). She asks me to delete those contacts from my phone and says she would do the same. A couple of weeks pass and I sort through my contacts and delete the ones that are not useful anymore and especially those she asked. When I ask her if she did it, she said she would do that later when she has the time.
Weeks go by and she keeps being depressed and not taking her medication, she goes to group therapy and seems interested in getting better without medication, but is constantly nagging and finding faults in the relationship.
Last week she drank a lot while we were having dinner and told me she really wanted to make thing work, as she got more intoxicated I told her to stop drinking but she gets aggressive and yells at me and tells me that I should make an effort to win her back and that we should no longer stay together at her place during the weekends and that she is never going back to mine. I question her about the texts and contacts she hasn't deleted and says she won't do it because the texts form douchey guy make her feel great (keep in mind she is very drunk and slurs her speech). I dump her once more.
Now we are talking again and want to make things work, but are stuck in a rut and very hurt. We really love each other and admitted our faults. We have agreed to spend some time apart to work on each other.
I'm confused and hurt, sorry for the long post. Your insight is greatly appreciated
She was in two relationships after her divorce (she's been divorced for 3 years). The first was with a millionaire that ended up cheating and made her paranoid. The second was with a real douchey, drunk kind of guy that treated her nicely but didn't want to commit and they saw each other on and off for a year, whom she was still seeing when she met me. She likes to party and get drunk occasionally and really liked that about this guy.
We had a rocky relationship stemming from trust issues, my ex-wife cheated on me and her millionaire ex-boyfriend cheated on her and we both have difficult personalities.
She has always been extremely insecure of a couple of my female friends who I foolishly confessed to her find me attractive but never went beyond that.
One day she got a text from the douchey guy she dated and I could tell she was nervous, until I really pushed her she confessed it was him just saying hello (she showed me the message). After I made my point clear I would not tolerate contact with her exes, she said she would do anything necessary to get him to stop contacting her. She then changed her mind and said I should just trust her, so I dump her. She calls crying and begging so I take her back.
I investigate who this guy is and he seems to be the complete opposite from me (although we look alike), he is superficial, egotistical, very social, never married and posts his whole life on Facebook. So I start losing respect for my girlfriend...how could she have slept with this guy that she begged to have a relationship with but he never committed?. Did she fool me into have such high standards?.
So I keep having contact with my female friends, because they support and give me valuable insight on my relationship. I outright lie about this (very big mistake, because there is nothing bad really going on, I just don't want her feeling insecure and now she is insecure).
She is very emotionally dependent on her friends and tells them all our problems and they act as harsh judges and tell her what is best for her. This really bothers me and I repeatedly tell her to be discreet. I can tell when she has talked to them because she behaves like a different person
One day she finds her millionaire ex in an event and they talk (she told me everything). She says she is so happy that she is with me, but she clearly was shaken because this guy was the the one who hurt her and talked too much about him. I get insecure and we have an argument and stop talking for a day.
I text my female friends and they tell me its a mistake I'm insecure and its always a big issue seeing an ex that hurt you and that I shouldn't make it and issue.
That same day she shows up unannounced at my office and threatens me that she will end things if I don't show her my texts (she reads texts with my female friends talking about her being jealous and controlling and me being insecure) so she gets crazy and threatens again to end the relationship, so I dump her again thinking she's looking for reasons to go back to her ex. Then comes back and hears me out and she's hurt and distrustful but wants us to be together.
Things keep going but have many heated arguments about the women I've dated before her (but have no contact with), my ex-wife, lying about my female friends, his millionaire ex-boyfriend, his douchey ex-lover.
We keep having a rocky relationship but want to be together and decide to move in. We have a hard time talking about rules and finances and she has unrealistic expectations and views of how living together should be, no doubt fueled by her friends because she goes back on some of the things we have already agreed on.
I back out from living together when she told me we're not as happy as she thinks we should be, because other couples seem happier. She says I'm afraid of commitment.
She gets bitter, angry and depressed more every day since then and we argue even more. She goes to see a psychiatrist who tell her she is depressed and should go on medication.
One day I hand her my phone so she could see some texts a friend of her sent me and she starts questioning me about my contacts and who some girls were (some I've dated but have no contact with). She asks me to delete those contacts from my phone and says she would do the same. A couple of weeks pass and I sort through my contacts and delete the ones that are not useful anymore and especially those she asked. When I ask her if she did it, she said she would do that later when she has the time.
Weeks go by and she keeps being depressed and not taking her medication, she goes to group therapy and seems interested in getting better without medication, but is constantly nagging and finding faults in the relationship.
Last week she drank a lot while we were having dinner and told me she really wanted to make thing work, as she got more intoxicated I told her to stop drinking but she gets aggressive and yells at me and tells me that I should make an effort to win her back and that we should no longer stay together at her place during the weekends and that she is never going back to mine. I question her about the texts and contacts she hasn't deleted and says she won't do it because the texts form douchey guy make her feel great (keep in mind she is very drunk and slurs her speech). I dump her once more.
Now we are talking again and want to make things work, but are stuck in a rut and very hurt. We really love each other and admitted our faults. We have agreed to spend some time apart to work on each other.
I'm confused and hurt, sorry for the long post. Your insight is greatly appreciated
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