I'm a girl who's been dealing with quite severe depression and episodes of self harm and suicidality for the past couple of years. This time last year, I met a guy. He was awesome, and we'd spend hours chatting via messanger and he'd tell me I was special, amazing and hilarious. He trusted me with his issues. I admitted that I had feelings for him, and we kissed for a really long time (my first but not his, I'm in Yr 11 and him in Yr 13). This was late last year. Then, all of a sudden, he started seeing someone else and it broke me. I loved him and felt as though we really could be happy together, but he never really wanted a relationship. I was very emotional and had a relapse of clinical depression because of other home factors and just generally wasn't in a good place over Christmas. I argued with him loads.
Then, we managed to patch things up and he said he'd always be there for a chat about my depression/feeling suicidal. That made me happy, except whenever I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling, he'd make a joke out of it all and tell me to stop being so negative. I tried time and time again to explain that I was ill and the next 4 months were a whirlwind of me being strung along and thinking he still cared for me. Eventually, I couldn't deal anymore and gave him some space for a month.
When my depression had subsided, I tried to contact him but he didn't want to talk to me. He said he'd moved on and "preferred I'd remain a shadow." I didn't understand what he meant at all and he offered no explanation other than "piss off, my gf is all I need." I tried several times to speak to him over chat, but every time he'd lash out at me and at one point, called me a leech and said he didn't give a single f**k about me and was never going to see me again. It went from "I'm not gonna lose you" to "why won't you p*ss off I'll just block you."
Now, I'm so confused and know that any more attempts at contacting him are only going to push him further away, but I'm so ridiculously hurt, He thinks I'm whiny, immature and his girlfriend also hates me, when in reality, all I've done is care for another person. He says that I should find someone else who "isn't a stepping stone" and it hurt so much because that's not what he was to me. He trusted me and I trusted him, and I just don't know what to do. I blame myself. I have anxiety too, so that causes me to ruminate and panic. So I've convinced myself that he's right. I'm a leech and a waste of space, and expected him to be responsible for my happiness.
Put the internet to work for you.
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