My wife of nearly 9 years and I have been "separated" for about two months. I say separated - but we've continued to live together and for the most part we've managed to co-exist peacefully. We are parents of a 5-year-old son and a nearly 3-year-old daughter.
She initiated the split. Her reason was that she felt I had become a different person - someone who was emotionally distant and shut-off. She felt she tried to bring me back but that I didn't respond and she finally realized the only way to happiness was to end our marriage.
Her follow through has been somewhat hot and cold. She was definitely hot for it when it started - she was very resolute - she retained a lawyer and started the proceedings. What had followed has been periods of inactivity (I know the process takes awhile) - followed by bursts of "I need to move forward" and then taking a step back again.
The past two weeks have been very good. I went from sleeping on the couch to sleeping in the bed again (albeit with a body pillow dividing the bed). I started approaching it from another angle - I realized I couldn't fix what had been done - but I could work to reconnect as the new "old" me.
We lost our first child back in 2008 at birth - and really the drift began at that point. I know I went from being a goofy, open person to being closed up and a bit shutdown. It was never intentional. I have spent the last two months finding myself again - doing a lot of introspection and asking a lot of tough questions of myself and my role in what went wrong.
Anyway, like I said - last two weeks have been especially good. She didn't say she was calling anything off - but it felt like we were getting to know one another again and that we were enjoying one another's company again - tentative - but definitely happening. I saw it in something as simple as lying in bed and talking until we fell asleep or sitting up together after the kids went to bed and watching television.
I couldn't do any romantic gestures - but I did what I could when I could. I made sure she had a nice Mother's day - made presents with the kids and then made breakfast for her. Even something as simple as putting away laundry or changing the sheets on our bed.
So - this past Tuesday she sends me a text that essentially says while she realizes that we've been getting along really well and while she doesn't want to be the one to rock the boat - we did need to talk about the progression moving forward.
I took that to mean that despite the good feelings - nothing has changed. It was a blow and I said okay, let's talk tonight (she walks late on Tuesday nights).
The conversation started out about our daughter who we lost - and it was sad - we both cried. It then morphed into a conversation about us. I was honest - I told her how much I was hurting and how much I loved her. We both cried some more. She talked about how she felt like I loved the kids more than her - I told her that was never true. She acknowledged that I was the new "old" me again - but said it had only been for a month - and I told her that it had been hard to get to that point. We had some silences - which weren't awkward - just expectant - if that makes any sense. During one of those pauses we laughed as we shared a joke between us - not just idle laughter - but deep laughter - kind of broke the tension.
We talked some more - and then went to bed - and we probably spent at least an hour in bed talking about stuff and really just acting goofy - like a couple of kids - a lot of laughter.
The divorce was never specifically mentioned, however. Personally, I felt like something profound was exchanged between us - a lowering of the guards we had put up.
Last night was agonizingly normal. We got along great. After the kids went to bed we sat and watched television together and she let me clumsily rub her back. We went to bed and while she was getting ready I took the body pillow off of the bed and I snuggled into her side as we fell asleep - both pretty much exhausted from being up late the night before.
I woke up this morning feeling anxious and panicked. It was like so much had happened and it felt good - but I wanted more - I wanted to "know". I snuggled back into her as we waited for the alarm to go off and maybe I was a bit too "amorous" as she kind of rebuffed me - not angrily - more of like a "slow down, I'm not sure of this" with a bit of a laugh - so I backed off a bit and we spent the last couple of minutes just lying together.
The morning was okay after we got up - not tense - though at one point she asked me if I was mad at her - not in a snippy way - and I said of course not. We hugged goodbye - no kissing - but the past couple of days we've been hugging on a regular basis - real hugging.
Throughout this entire journey I've always felt like we weren't that far apart - even when it would briefly get ugly - the only thing holding us back was her unwillingness to consider the possibility. I just knew I needed to work on myself - and that was the only thing I could do to maybe save this.
I feel like we're at a real crossroads and I don't know what to do. I know I pushed maybe a little too much this morning - though it didn't seem to do any damage - just a slow down. I really do feel like I'm flying blind and it's very scary because I don't know how to move forward - I don't want to screw this up - but I'm thankful that I feel like I have the opportunity to make it right.
What makes it especially anxious right now is that we're going to be spending the weekend apart. I always go to the Indianapolis 500 with my dad (she used to go - but stopped once we had kids) and she is taking the kids up to her mom and dad's lake cottage. On one hand I'm feeling good about our progress and I don't want to be apart from them - but I also feel like maybe it's okay - maybe a little distance might help?? It's not like we'll be out of contact with one another. I sent her a text this morning and said that part of me wished I was going along with them and she replied yes, the kids will miss you. I said I'll miss all of your guys - and responded "I guess I might miss you a little" which I felt was typed tongue-in-cheek - but with feeling.
I just want to show her how much I care - I can say it all I want - and I know my words have "weight" and I know my actions to become the person she originally fell in love with been noticed - I just don't know if this is the time for a small romantic gesture - even something sappy and slightly innocuous - but something to show her that the goofy, sweet, emotional person she met really is here - and he really does care - and he really does want you.
She initiated the split. Her reason was that she felt I had become a different person - someone who was emotionally distant and shut-off. She felt she tried to bring me back but that I didn't respond and she finally realized the only way to happiness was to end our marriage.
Her follow through has been somewhat hot and cold. She was definitely hot for it when it started - she was very resolute - she retained a lawyer and started the proceedings. What had followed has been periods of inactivity (I know the process takes awhile) - followed by bursts of "I need to move forward" and then taking a step back again.
The past two weeks have been very good. I went from sleeping on the couch to sleeping in the bed again (albeit with a body pillow dividing the bed). I started approaching it from another angle - I realized I couldn't fix what had been done - but I could work to reconnect as the new "old" me.
We lost our first child back in 2008 at birth - and really the drift began at that point. I know I went from being a goofy, open person to being closed up and a bit shutdown. It was never intentional. I have spent the last two months finding myself again - doing a lot of introspection and asking a lot of tough questions of myself and my role in what went wrong.
Anyway, like I said - last two weeks have been especially good. She didn't say she was calling anything off - but it felt like we were getting to know one another again and that we were enjoying one another's company again - tentative - but definitely happening. I saw it in something as simple as lying in bed and talking until we fell asleep or sitting up together after the kids went to bed and watching television.
I couldn't do any romantic gestures - but I did what I could when I could. I made sure she had a nice Mother's day - made presents with the kids and then made breakfast for her. Even something as simple as putting away laundry or changing the sheets on our bed.
So - this past Tuesday she sends me a text that essentially says while she realizes that we've been getting along really well and while she doesn't want to be the one to rock the boat - we did need to talk about the progression moving forward.
I took that to mean that despite the good feelings - nothing has changed. It was a blow and I said okay, let's talk tonight (she walks late on Tuesday nights).
The conversation started out about our daughter who we lost - and it was sad - we both cried. It then morphed into a conversation about us. I was honest - I told her how much I was hurting and how much I loved her. We both cried some more. She talked about how she felt like I loved the kids more than her - I told her that was never true. She acknowledged that I was the new "old" me again - but said it had only been for a month - and I told her that it had been hard to get to that point. We had some silences - which weren't awkward - just expectant - if that makes any sense. During one of those pauses we laughed as we shared a joke between us - not just idle laughter - but deep laughter - kind of broke the tension.
We talked some more - and then went to bed - and we probably spent at least an hour in bed talking about stuff and really just acting goofy - like a couple of kids - a lot of laughter.
The divorce was never specifically mentioned, however. Personally, I felt like something profound was exchanged between us - a lowering of the guards we had put up.
Last night was agonizingly normal. We got along great. After the kids went to bed we sat and watched television together and she let me clumsily rub her back. We went to bed and while she was getting ready I took the body pillow off of the bed and I snuggled into her side as we fell asleep - both pretty much exhausted from being up late the night before.
I woke up this morning feeling anxious and panicked. It was like so much had happened and it felt good - but I wanted more - I wanted to "know". I snuggled back into her as we waited for the alarm to go off and maybe I was a bit too "amorous" as she kind of rebuffed me - not angrily - more of like a "slow down, I'm not sure of this" with a bit of a laugh - so I backed off a bit and we spent the last couple of minutes just lying together.
The morning was okay after we got up - not tense - though at one point she asked me if I was mad at her - not in a snippy way - and I said of course not. We hugged goodbye - no kissing - but the past couple of days we've been hugging on a regular basis - real hugging.
Throughout this entire journey I've always felt like we weren't that far apart - even when it would briefly get ugly - the only thing holding us back was her unwillingness to consider the possibility. I just knew I needed to work on myself - and that was the only thing I could do to maybe save this.
I feel like we're at a real crossroads and I don't know what to do. I know I pushed maybe a little too much this morning - though it didn't seem to do any damage - just a slow down. I really do feel like I'm flying blind and it's very scary because I don't know how to move forward - I don't want to screw this up - but I'm thankful that I feel like I have the opportunity to make it right.
What makes it especially anxious right now is that we're going to be spending the weekend apart. I always go to the Indianapolis 500 with my dad (she used to go - but stopped once we had kids) and she is taking the kids up to her mom and dad's lake cottage. On one hand I'm feeling good about our progress and I don't want to be apart from them - but I also feel like maybe it's okay - maybe a little distance might help?? It's not like we'll be out of contact with one another. I sent her a text this morning and said that part of me wished I was going along with them and she replied yes, the kids will miss you. I said I'll miss all of your guys - and responded "I guess I might miss you a little" which I felt was typed tongue-in-cheek - but with feeling.
I just want to show her how much I care - I can say it all I want - and I know my words have "weight" and I know my actions to become the person she originally fell in love with been noticed - I just don't know if this is the time for a small romantic gesture - even something sappy and slightly innocuous - but something to show her that the goofy, sweet, emotional person she met really is here - and he really does care - and he really does want you.
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