So I've been going out with a guy for three and a half years now, and I do love him, but for quite a long time now I've realised I have a very strong attraction towards women, and I'm confused as to what this means for my relationship.
My first sexual experience (when I was 15) was with a girl, and afterwards although we kind of shrugged it off like nothing happened I found myself thinking about her all the time. I got with this guy when I was 16 and we've been together ever since, we get on very well, and have so much in common, but I guess it's only recently that I've started to think that maybe I'm not as happy in this relationship as I could be. I mean, ok I know this isn't the most important thing, but the sex just doesn't really excite me that much. I don't know if that is just to do with this particular relationship, or if it is because I want to be with a girl, I mean I'm so confused because I've been with him for most of my teenage years so far, it's all I've ever known really, and I don't know if that's what's holding me back. I have had a few little crushes on girls that I know, to the point of mildly obsessing over one of my best friends, but I kind of figured that was a phase that people go thr ough when they young.
I do still find myself somewhat obsessing over girls on the internet though, finding them very attractive, but this could just be in a general appreciating they are hot way, and I follow a lot of people online on youtube etc. who are in lesbian relationships, but I don't know whether this actually means anything about my own sexuality.
As I say I do love my boyfriend though, so I'm very confused. And to make things more complicated, we are long distance because I'm at uni and he's not, but he's planning to come to my uni in September, which is great because I'll get to see him more, but also not so great because it's like I've signed myself up to stay with him, when I'm having all these doubts, and I feel so terribly guilty about it all. It's hard to know whether being with girls is just this sort of fantasy that I've idealised in my head or whether it's what I actually want, and I don't want to throw away this good relationship if this is all just me being irrational.
Possibly the worst thing is that he knows about my past experience with a girl and has had quite a few moments of paranoia that I'm actually gay, but I always reassure him that I'm not, and this has been right since the start of our relationship. But what if I actually am? I always figured that it would be the kind of thing that you would be really sure about, but instead I'm just really confused.
Does anyone have any advice/been through a similar thing?
Put the internet to work for you.
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