** LENGTHY FIRST POST**
My wife and I have been married almost 5 years, we have 2 children ages 3 & 2. Things have been ok lately, not great but I figured we are just dealing with the daily grind of raising 2 kids and both working. We haven't had a lot of alone time with each other lately, but we both are to blame for that. Our sex life has been okay, but almost always initiated by me. About a month ago it came to light that she had been texting and seeing a coworker after hours. She is a school teacher and this guy is the PE coach who was running a workout group of 5-6 ladies after school. Once caught, she admitted that they had kissed once.
She was very apologetic for about 2 days, and then began blaming me for pushing her to this point. She started telling me things that I do that bother her that I had no clue about. She says I am too controlling and that I am threatened by her independence. (She just went back to work this year.) I began apologizing and telling her that I want to work on things and we agreed to see a marriage counselor. She also agreed to stop contacting the other man, and based on a later check of her deleted messages, she had not been contacting him, other than seeing him at work. She had stopped working out in the afternoons with the group also.
A week later we were supposed to take a vacation together but she said that things were bad and didn't feel like she would enjoy a vacation, and I understood. We sent the kids to her mom's for the weekend and decided to stay home together and maybe go on a couple dates and work on us. The first night without kids she says that the girls from work want to have a girls night out. I reluctantly agreed and asked her just to be honest with me about where they were going and when they would be back. Her friend came and picked her up, and I decided to follow them. I was not comfortable doing it, but I felt like I had to be able to trust her.
They wound up going to a different place than where they said they would go, and the other man's truck was also there. There was a group of about 10 people from her work there. I waited in the parking lot for 2 hours to see what would happen when she left. She eventually came outside and was obviously very drunk. Her friends were helping her stand up. I drove over and asked her to get in the car. I then went inside and confronted the man and told him that he wasn't going to ruin my marriage. The whole way home my wife said I was crazy and I stalked her and that nothing was going on between the 2 of them. She said I don't love her and that she is scared of me. I realize that they weren't there together and nothing was going on that night, but my wife was dishonest about where they were going and that the man wouldn't be there.
She stayed at a friend's house that night and the next day told me she wanted a trial separation. She said she needed some space away from me and that we were not friends anymore. She said that we needed some time apart and we could eventually start doing family nights with the kids and then she and I could go on dates together and start trying to reconnect. She told my parents and hers that this was only temporary, and even joked that she would be able to get a lot more help moving when she was ready to come back. We agreed on the ground rules of the separation, including finances, seeing others, and contacting each other. We agreed on no excessive spending, not seeing other people, and feel free to contact anytime, especially about the children. I helped her find and apartment, helped her move in, and we agreed to share the kids 50/50. She cleaned out every stitch of clothes she has and everything out of her bathroom.
While she was in the process of moving, she changed all of her passwords, removed all pictures of us together from her Facebook, and opened her own separate bank account. She kept her same phone for the time being.
The first week went as well as could be expected. We texted every few days, and she actually initiated the texts on the nights when I had the kids. I was very careful not to send any sappy texts or be overly apologetic. Then the first weekend she had the kids she went to her parents house 50 miles away and got a new phone number. She also made a significant withdrawal from our savings and put it in her new account. I called her to see what was going on, and she said that the phone was to keep me from going through her bill to see who she had been calling. She said the money withdrawal was a safety net in case she had an emergency and didn't want to have to "ask" me for money.
That's when I got upset with her for the first time in this whole process. I accused her of taking the savings to pay for a lawyer, which she denied. I also got upset about the new phone number saying that it seems like she is hiding something. I admitted to her that I tried to look up her bill online but was unsuccessful. She said that is precisely why she changed numbers because she didn't want me harassing people that she was calling. She said she is just trying to fully separate from me so she can find out what she wants. She then said she was scared of me and that I couldn't keep us together by threatening her. She said not to call or text anymore and that she did not want to keep going to marriage counseling. She is a teacher and said that she wants to concentrate on finishing the school year then she will start thinking about our marriage.
I have tried being the nice guy, and things seemed to be okay the first week of the separation. Then she changes her phone number,moves money out of savings, says not to call her and quits marriage counseling. I am just trying to make sense of everything. I tried talking to her mom about it, but she says that she has to take care of her daughter right now. She told me to go to counseling and work on my problems. I told her I want our marriage to work out and she said, "Just work on yourself right now." Her parents had been on my "side" when she first wanted separation, but now they seem to be supporting her and not talking to me at all.
Everything I have read and everyone I have talked to pretty much says that she has made up her mind that its over. I am in limbo right now between trying to make it work and trying to cope with the lost marriage. She has begun working out after school with the group again, but I have no evidence of her and the other man being alone at anytime. I am having a hard time trusting her, and tonight (Friday) is the first weekend that she doesn't have the kids and I am scared to death of what she will be doing. I want to know so bad if she is going out and if the other man will be there.
I have backed off and not contacted her all this week. Our last contact was Sunday, almost a week ago. I sent her a text on Thursday about the kids school and got no response. Obviously I can't do anything else right now. I just wish I knew what her mindset was so I could either move on or keep trying to make it work. I am going to counseling on my own right now. Is there any advice out there on how to deal with my emotions and try to keep my head clear? I am trying to stay busy but I have no motivation at work and am reluctant to do anything socially right now. My whole life was my wife and kids, and now that has been turned upside down.
My wife and I have been married almost 5 years, we have 2 children ages 3 & 2. Things have been ok lately, not great but I figured we are just dealing with the daily grind of raising 2 kids and both working. We haven't had a lot of alone time with each other lately, but we both are to blame for that. Our sex life has been okay, but almost always initiated by me. About a month ago it came to light that she had been texting and seeing a coworker after hours. She is a school teacher and this guy is the PE coach who was running a workout group of 5-6 ladies after school. Once caught, she admitted that they had kissed once.
She was very apologetic for about 2 days, and then began blaming me for pushing her to this point. She started telling me things that I do that bother her that I had no clue about. She says I am too controlling and that I am threatened by her independence. (She just went back to work this year.) I began apologizing and telling her that I want to work on things and we agreed to see a marriage counselor. She also agreed to stop contacting the other man, and based on a later check of her deleted messages, she had not been contacting him, other than seeing him at work. She had stopped working out in the afternoons with the group also.
A week later we were supposed to take a vacation together but she said that things were bad and didn't feel like she would enjoy a vacation, and I understood. We sent the kids to her mom's for the weekend and decided to stay home together and maybe go on a couple dates and work on us. The first night without kids she says that the girls from work want to have a girls night out. I reluctantly agreed and asked her just to be honest with me about where they were going and when they would be back. Her friend came and picked her up, and I decided to follow them. I was not comfortable doing it, but I felt like I had to be able to trust her.
They wound up going to a different place than where they said they would go, and the other man's truck was also there. There was a group of about 10 people from her work there. I waited in the parking lot for 2 hours to see what would happen when she left. She eventually came outside and was obviously very drunk. Her friends were helping her stand up. I drove over and asked her to get in the car. I then went inside and confronted the man and told him that he wasn't going to ruin my marriage. The whole way home my wife said I was crazy and I stalked her and that nothing was going on between the 2 of them. She said I don't love her and that she is scared of me. I realize that they weren't there together and nothing was going on that night, but my wife was dishonest about where they were going and that the man wouldn't be there.
She stayed at a friend's house that night and the next day told me she wanted a trial separation. She said she needed some space away from me and that we were not friends anymore. She said that we needed some time apart and we could eventually start doing family nights with the kids and then she and I could go on dates together and start trying to reconnect. She told my parents and hers that this was only temporary, and even joked that she would be able to get a lot more help moving when she was ready to come back. We agreed on the ground rules of the separation, including finances, seeing others, and contacting each other. We agreed on no excessive spending, not seeing other people, and feel free to contact anytime, especially about the children. I helped her find and apartment, helped her move in, and we agreed to share the kids 50/50. She cleaned out every stitch of clothes she has and everything out of her bathroom.
While she was in the process of moving, she changed all of her passwords, removed all pictures of us together from her Facebook, and opened her own separate bank account. She kept her same phone for the time being.
The first week went as well as could be expected. We texted every few days, and she actually initiated the texts on the nights when I had the kids. I was very careful not to send any sappy texts or be overly apologetic. Then the first weekend she had the kids she went to her parents house 50 miles away and got a new phone number. She also made a significant withdrawal from our savings and put it in her new account. I called her to see what was going on, and she said that the phone was to keep me from going through her bill to see who she had been calling. She said the money withdrawal was a safety net in case she had an emergency and didn't want to have to "ask" me for money.
That's when I got upset with her for the first time in this whole process. I accused her of taking the savings to pay for a lawyer, which she denied. I also got upset about the new phone number saying that it seems like she is hiding something. I admitted to her that I tried to look up her bill online but was unsuccessful. She said that is precisely why she changed numbers because she didn't want me harassing people that she was calling. She said she is just trying to fully separate from me so she can find out what she wants. She then said she was scared of me and that I couldn't keep us together by threatening her. She said not to call or text anymore and that she did not want to keep going to marriage counseling. She is a teacher and said that she wants to concentrate on finishing the school year then she will start thinking about our marriage.
I have tried being the nice guy, and things seemed to be okay the first week of the separation. Then she changes her phone number,moves money out of savings, says not to call her and quits marriage counseling. I am just trying to make sense of everything. I tried talking to her mom about it, but she says that she has to take care of her daughter right now. She told me to go to counseling and work on my problems. I told her I want our marriage to work out and she said, "Just work on yourself right now." Her parents had been on my "side" when she first wanted separation, but now they seem to be supporting her and not talking to me at all.
Everything I have read and everyone I have talked to pretty much says that she has made up her mind that its over. I am in limbo right now between trying to make it work and trying to cope with the lost marriage. She has begun working out after school with the group again, but I have no evidence of her and the other man being alone at anytime. I am having a hard time trusting her, and tonight (Friday) is the first weekend that she doesn't have the kids and I am scared to death of what she will be doing. I want to know so bad if she is going out and if the other man will be there.
I have backed off and not contacted her all this week. Our last contact was Sunday, almost a week ago. I sent her a text on Thursday about the kids school and got no response. Obviously I can't do anything else right now. I just wish I knew what her mindset was so I could either move on or keep trying to make it work. I am going to counseling on my own right now. Is there any advice out there on how to deal with my emotions and try to keep my head clear? I am trying to stay busy but I have no motivation at work and am reluctant to do anything socially right now. My whole life was my wife and kids, and now that has been turned upside down.
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