Hi, I am new to the forum and I am turning to "the internet" because I am an isolated stay-at-home mother who doesn't get out much... and I have no one to talk to. I am 33, my husband is 36 and our daughter is 18 months old. We've been together 11 years and married 9 years; none of which have been easy. We have a tendency to argue… a lot. It gets really ugly sometimes. Both of us have misbehaved and said things we shouldn't have. I don't know how all of that started and I very much want it to end. But, we seem to be stuck in a cycle.
Things were okay for about 8 or 9 months. Now, because of the circumstances of the past week, I'm stuck in a "fear response" (meaning I am stuck in a place of anxiety and fear) and I'm sort of walking on eggshells, fearful that anything I say or do will anger my husband and spiral out of control into another one of his hateful rants.
My husband is a man of extremes; it's all or nothing. This extreme approach to life is applied to both work and our relationship. We are either blissfully happy and joined at the hip or he avoids me at all costs and we fight frequently. There is no balance in our lives, no normalcy, no in-between.
Right now, we're going through a phase where my husband doesn't feel the need (or desire) to tell me anything about what is going on in his life. That's right- HIS life. Not "ours"… he kind of lives a separate life. It's not always that way… but every now and then, he gets stressed out, bored or frustrated and it seems like he pulls away from me and does what he wants to do for a while. That's what is going on right now. My husband is working late 5 or 6 nights out of the week; frequently not coming home until 2 or 3 a.m. & sometimes even later. Of course, this is very stressful for me. We own a business and the business isn't doing well. There is a lot of stuff that needs to be done to keep the business afloat.
We've talked about divorce several times in the past year, most recently just a few days ago. We ultimately decided that's not what we want.
However, after this most recent round of arguments, I gave him an ultimatum: we divorce or we go to marriage counseling. I was hoping that couples therapy or marriage counseling would help him see what he is doing to harm our marriage and teach us to "fight fair". He agreed (reluctantly) to do 1 hour of therapy (nothing can be accomplished in one hour, I hope I can convince him to 1 hour a week). And, when I say he "agreed" to therapy…. he said he'd go, but that I wouldn't like it and said: "You think you're sad now? Just wait until you hear what I have to say. You're not going to like it. You have no idea", implying that I am crazy, off-my-rocker looney who behaves erratically. I responded with "Well, since you're perfect, therapy should be a breeze for you, then!"
I feel bad for bringing up divorce again and I regret those words came out of my mouth. Often. I don't know if I could really follow through with it if it came down to it. I love him. Sometimes, I understand why he is angry with me but I wish he could control his anger and refrain from screaming, calling me names and saying horrible things about me.
In addition to his explosive temper, my husband is not very understanding or empathetic. He tells me he doesn't have time to listen to my problems or concerns. He doesn't have the "luxury" of thinking about "feelings". He tells me to "get over it" when he's done something that bothers me. He spends hours in the bathroom each day (looking at pornography though he denies it), he doesn't get up in the middle of the night to help out with our daughter. He sleeps in every morning and leaves me to take care of our daughter's morning routine. Even if I've had little sleep the night before, if I ask him to pitch in in the mornings, he refuses and says he needs to sleep because he is the one who has to work all day. He stays out late to work but treats himself to drinks and sit-down meals at local restaurants before or after he works (meanwhile, I eat cereal for dinner or nothing at all). He doesn't make time to converse with me because he says he doesn't "want to have to recite the day's events" to me and there is nothing that I need to know. He is polite to all other people throughout the day… he has no patience for me. He is abrupt on the phone and often says "Can't talk right now" and just hangs up or quickly says "Gotta go. Love you, bye" and hangs up. He tells me I am the most stressful thing in his life and that I am making him miserable.
If I ask my husband to not work so late, he is rude. For example, one night last week, I BEGGED him not to leave. I explained I am not handling his long absences night after night very well, that we are not connecting and that I need him home. He got VERY angry with me, said "you aren't making things easier for me", "are you going to go do all the work I need to do?" "are you going to go make the money?", then when I tried to retaliate, he called me the "**** cherry" on top of the "**** sundae" that is his life. He left angry. He has used the "**** sundae" analogy many times this week. He also e-mailed me several rude e-mails after yelling at me on the phone. In one e-mail, he said "shove your fist up your own ass".
In an attempt to get us back on course, I have pathetically attempted to lure him home with sex. We've had more sex in the past week than we have in a month. Last night, he came home early (11:45 p.m.) and was "too tired" to shower and have sex. When I asked him to come to bed around an hour later, he said he'd be right up… but then didn't come to bed until 5:00 a.m. He said this morning that he was "worked up" and anxious about not being at the business doing work. I told him I was going to try to make him less anxious.. but that he didn't come to bed with me so I couldn't. I'm guessing he was looking at porn. A few nights ago, I was a little intoxicated and he was unable to finish. He essentially said it was a turnoff that I was drunk. That has never been a problem before. We have NEVER had any kind of an issue with him not being "into it" before. Granted, this is only once in 11 years… it's freaking me out. FYI, the obvious thought did cross my mind… but I do not think he is cheating on me. We did talk about it and he was sincere when he said "I'm not putting my **** in anyone" (I know, how sweet, right?)
In sum, my husband and I each have issues (as everyone does). Our individual "issues" have been creating this pattern of chaos in our lives. I want to break the pattern!!! I will turn myself inside out to keep my marriage intact.
I want to save my marriage. We fell hopelessly in love… but I don't think our relationship has ever been healthy. I don't know if it ever can be; but I desperately want it to be. I want my husband to love, honor, respect & cherish me. I want him to tell me I'm beautiful (and I am!) not just sexy. I want my husband to want to be with me. I want my husband never to yell at me again. I want to know that I am loved because I am shown love. I want to FEEL loved- all the time. I want my husband to kiss me (he never kisses me- nothing more than a peck)!!! Is there hope? By changing myself, can I show him that change is possible? Do verbally abusive men ever change before it's too late?
Things were okay for about 8 or 9 months. Now, because of the circumstances of the past week, I'm stuck in a "fear response" (meaning I am stuck in a place of anxiety and fear) and I'm sort of walking on eggshells, fearful that anything I say or do will anger my husband and spiral out of control into another one of his hateful rants.
My husband is a man of extremes; it's all or nothing. This extreme approach to life is applied to both work and our relationship. We are either blissfully happy and joined at the hip or he avoids me at all costs and we fight frequently. There is no balance in our lives, no normalcy, no in-between.
Right now, we're going through a phase where my husband doesn't feel the need (or desire) to tell me anything about what is going on in his life. That's right- HIS life. Not "ours"… he kind of lives a separate life. It's not always that way… but every now and then, he gets stressed out, bored or frustrated and it seems like he pulls away from me and does what he wants to do for a while. That's what is going on right now. My husband is working late 5 or 6 nights out of the week; frequently not coming home until 2 or 3 a.m. & sometimes even later. Of course, this is very stressful for me. We own a business and the business isn't doing well. There is a lot of stuff that needs to be done to keep the business afloat.
We've talked about divorce several times in the past year, most recently just a few days ago. We ultimately decided that's not what we want.
However, after this most recent round of arguments, I gave him an ultimatum: we divorce or we go to marriage counseling. I was hoping that couples therapy or marriage counseling would help him see what he is doing to harm our marriage and teach us to "fight fair". He agreed (reluctantly) to do 1 hour of therapy (nothing can be accomplished in one hour, I hope I can convince him to 1 hour a week). And, when I say he "agreed" to therapy…. he said he'd go, but that I wouldn't like it and said: "You think you're sad now? Just wait until you hear what I have to say. You're not going to like it. You have no idea", implying that I am crazy, off-my-rocker looney who behaves erratically. I responded with "Well, since you're perfect, therapy should be a breeze for you, then!"
I feel bad for bringing up divorce again and I regret those words came out of my mouth. Often. I don't know if I could really follow through with it if it came down to it. I love him. Sometimes, I understand why he is angry with me but I wish he could control his anger and refrain from screaming, calling me names and saying horrible things about me.
In addition to his explosive temper, my husband is not very understanding or empathetic. He tells me he doesn't have time to listen to my problems or concerns. He doesn't have the "luxury" of thinking about "feelings". He tells me to "get over it" when he's done something that bothers me. He spends hours in the bathroom each day (looking at pornography though he denies it), he doesn't get up in the middle of the night to help out with our daughter. He sleeps in every morning and leaves me to take care of our daughter's morning routine. Even if I've had little sleep the night before, if I ask him to pitch in in the mornings, he refuses and says he needs to sleep because he is the one who has to work all day. He stays out late to work but treats himself to drinks and sit-down meals at local restaurants before or after he works (meanwhile, I eat cereal for dinner or nothing at all). He doesn't make time to converse with me because he says he doesn't "want to have to recite the day's events" to me and there is nothing that I need to know. He is polite to all other people throughout the day… he has no patience for me. He is abrupt on the phone and often says "Can't talk right now" and just hangs up or quickly says "Gotta go. Love you, bye" and hangs up. He tells me I am the most stressful thing in his life and that I am making him miserable.
If I ask my husband to not work so late, he is rude. For example, one night last week, I BEGGED him not to leave. I explained I am not handling his long absences night after night very well, that we are not connecting and that I need him home. He got VERY angry with me, said "you aren't making things easier for me", "are you going to go do all the work I need to do?" "are you going to go make the money?", then when I tried to retaliate, he called me the "**** cherry" on top of the "**** sundae" that is his life. He left angry. He has used the "**** sundae" analogy many times this week. He also e-mailed me several rude e-mails after yelling at me on the phone. In one e-mail, he said "shove your fist up your own ass".
In an attempt to get us back on course, I have pathetically attempted to lure him home with sex. We've had more sex in the past week than we have in a month. Last night, he came home early (11:45 p.m.) and was "too tired" to shower and have sex. When I asked him to come to bed around an hour later, he said he'd be right up… but then didn't come to bed until 5:00 a.m. He said this morning that he was "worked up" and anxious about not being at the business doing work. I told him I was going to try to make him less anxious.. but that he didn't come to bed with me so I couldn't. I'm guessing he was looking at porn. A few nights ago, I was a little intoxicated and he was unable to finish. He essentially said it was a turnoff that I was drunk. That has never been a problem before. We have NEVER had any kind of an issue with him not being "into it" before. Granted, this is only once in 11 years… it's freaking me out. FYI, the obvious thought did cross my mind… but I do not think he is cheating on me. We did talk about it and he was sincere when he said "I'm not putting my **** in anyone" (I know, how sweet, right?)
In sum, my husband and I each have issues (as everyone does). Our individual "issues" have been creating this pattern of chaos in our lives. I want to break the pattern!!! I will turn myself inside out to keep my marriage intact.
I want to save my marriage. We fell hopelessly in love… but I don't think our relationship has ever been healthy. I don't know if it ever can be; but I desperately want it to be. I want my husband to love, honor, respect & cherish me. I want him to tell me I'm beautiful (and I am!) not just sexy. I want my husband to want to be with me. I want my husband never to yell at me again. I want to know that I am loved because I am shown love. I want to FEEL loved- all the time. I want my husband to kiss me (he never kisses me- nothing more than a peck)!!! Is there hope? By changing myself, can I show him that change is possible? Do verbally abusive men ever change before it's too late?
Put the internet to work for you.
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