Been married 20 years, we've been going to counseling because for the last half dozen years I've felt increasingly unimportant and neglected, she doesn't seem to think twice about me but cries every time something like this comes up and apologizes profusely. She is not cheating on me, we don't argue, she's not verbally abusive, she's just self-centered and downright thoughtless, which is what we've been going to counseling for - that obviously isn't working.
Yesterday was my 50th birthday, and I got a big, fat, absolutely nothing. I got a card and a small cake (we're both on a diet), my teenage daughter lives at home with us and my 84-year-old dad came over to have some cake. He brought me a present that was pretty cool, and then my daughter looked at my wife waiting for whatever, and nothing came. She's seventeen and she got mad as hell and read my wife the riot act later that evening. We talked, yet again, at bedtime about it, she cried a lot, apologized yet again, and left me to lay there pondering what the hell I'm doing by repeatedly punishing myself - this has become a serious pattern with her.
Her excuse for having done nothing and gotten nothing was as follows, "I'm going to get you something, I just haven't gotten it figured out yet." I collect prewar Lionel electric trains and have since I was ten - honestly, what's there to figure out? We started talking about my 50th birthday three months ago and I told her I didn't want a party that would involve food or many members of my family, but I'd rather have something with my friends at a neutral location, a coffee shop or a fun game night somewhere (Cards Against Humanity, something like that). I discussed about a dozen possible gifts I'd like when she asked about them, told her where they could be gotten and how much they should cost. And once again, she did absolutely nothing except pick up a cake on the way home from work at the local grocery store. I am seriously mangled this morning.
This has become the norm. For the last five or six years, she hasn't done anything I would consider "special" for me, at all, for any occasion. Yet she insists she's never meant to hurt my feelings or disappoint me. She told me last night she's "scared to buy me a present because she's scared she'll get the wrong thing." After I've given her a list, literally, of things I would like and places where they can be bought? So instead of getting the "wrong thing" the answer is to get nothing at all?
I don't know what to do - I love this woman, but I feel like she's becoming an expert in inflicting pain through mental abuse. Her 50th birthday was an epic blowout, planned by me for over a month, our 20th anniversary a couple of months ago was, again, a big deal and she ended up falling asleep on me that night (no sex) in a fabulous luxurious suite after a major expensive meal and a night on the town. I spent $400 treating her like a queen that night, and she wanted to "rest" when we got back to the room, she fell asleep, then she snored the whole rest of the night. I bought her a nice watch for our anniversary, I got nothing. And that's how it's gone - I'm absolutely sick of it.
Sorry to rant. Needed a place to vent. If I sound like a spoiled brat, I apologize. I'm not expecting a new Jaguar or something like that for every occasion, I would just appreciate some recognition that I have worth and am thought about - she seems incapable of that now. :confused:
Yesterday was my 50th birthday, and I got a big, fat, absolutely nothing. I got a card and a small cake (we're both on a diet), my teenage daughter lives at home with us and my 84-year-old dad came over to have some cake. He brought me a present that was pretty cool, and then my daughter looked at my wife waiting for whatever, and nothing came. She's seventeen and she got mad as hell and read my wife the riot act later that evening. We talked, yet again, at bedtime about it, she cried a lot, apologized yet again, and left me to lay there pondering what the hell I'm doing by repeatedly punishing myself - this has become a serious pattern with her.
Her excuse for having done nothing and gotten nothing was as follows, "I'm going to get you something, I just haven't gotten it figured out yet." I collect prewar Lionel electric trains and have since I was ten - honestly, what's there to figure out? We started talking about my 50th birthday three months ago and I told her I didn't want a party that would involve food or many members of my family, but I'd rather have something with my friends at a neutral location, a coffee shop or a fun game night somewhere (Cards Against Humanity, something like that). I discussed about a dozen possible gifts I'd like when she asked about them, told her where they could be gotten and how much they should cost. And once again, she did absolutely nothing except pick up a cake on the way home from work at the local grocery store. I am seriously mangled this morning.
This has become the norm. For the last five or six years, she hasn't done anything I would consider "special" for me, at all, for any occasion. Yet she insists she's never meant to hurt my feelings or disappoint me. She told me last night she's "scared to buy me a present because she's scared she'll get the wrong thing." After I've given her a list, literally, of things I would like and places where they can be bought? So instead of getting the "wrong thing" the answer is to get nothing at all?
I don't know what to do - I love this woman, but I feel like she's becoming an expert in inflicting pain through mental abuse. Her 50th birthday was an epic blowout, planned by me for over a month, our 20th anniversary a couple of months ago was, again, a big deal and she ended up falling asleep on me that night (no sex) in a fabulous luxurious suite after a major expensive meal and a night on the town. I spent $400 treating her like a queen that night, and she wanted to "rest" when we got back to the room, she fell asleep, then she snored the whole rest of the night. I bought her a nice watch for our anniversary, I got nothing. And that's how it's gone - I'm absolutely sick of it.
Sorry to rant. Needed a place to vent. If I sound like a spoiled brat, I apologize. I'm not expecting a new Jaguar or something like that for every occasion, I would just appreciate some recognition that I have worth and am thought about - she seems incapable of that now. :confused:
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