Firstly, thank you for reading.. it may be a little long, so apologies..
I would very much like views of people who have been where my daughter in law is.. she knows I am putting this up, but finds it hard to explain with wording.. Asia just get on with things and put up with it if you like.. so all western views would be helpful for her to try and deal with the situation..
I have just given the outline of everything of how it is..
Situation..
I am in the middle. .. have two grandchildren, 5 and 3. so doing a 50/50 on both sides...
I believe they have been together since 2006. have not slept together much in 5.5 years.. We all live in Asia.
I would value your thoughts please..mainly for my DIL.. your views etc. so she might learn something from members in this forum, this is NOT for me..
Son...
I knew things were bad between them as he use to come round and moan about his wife which we did not want to hear, because of how he acted I felt sorry for her as he was reacting and making himself look bad. He said many times in front of her to us also, how she was with him, how she treated him, how he at times hated her... but he was not perfect, so I use to think he was doing something to wind her up, as he did when he was at home, so, I thought, yeah, and what are you doing for her to react... my problem with my son, is he lies so much one reason why I went to my daughter in law's side some times.. he is a very convincing lier...
End result of emotional abuse from her.......... he went of and had sex with another women, he was seen putting his hand up her skirt, touching her in public.. got seen and it got back to daughter in law.
Daughter in law...
Admitted she has been wrong on how she has treated him.. but in the past she too has told me she does not love him does not want to be with him because of his out bursts which on a few occasions become violent... I do not think in recent times a good 2 years there have been no violent re actions.
General situation.
Son lives in Asia, so culture very different.. he has tried different jobs, his first job before he met her was diving.. he then went onto property selling, which has not really be a success.. his trade in home country is bricklayer, which he is very good at... she has carried him.. paid the mortgage, every bill, kept things going.. her dad died 2.5 months after first baby came along, went back to work quick, she is a very strong woman, but now I can see she is so tired and worn out.. many times she came home to a really messy house.... kids mess most of the time but it was not like the mess in one area, it was everywhere.. washing up left as it was left..
NOW...... the after affect..
She came round and was made all I got was a lot of angry words, not at me, but about my son, he had cheated he got to go.. he does not know many people, no social life as such, so I could not see him on the streets.
Her mum comes up, so there we all are sitting outside hearing what's been going on with both of them.
DIL told me when just the two of us...
He had been with this women for about a month, had sex.. the day he had sex with her, as from what I can understand, it was suppose to be the first time... when he got home he then went and had Sex with my daughter in law.. to make matters worse, he did not use protection with this other women.. and no protection with his wife.... I told her to have STD check, but I dont think she has..
the other woman, also had a boyfriend, so cheated too.. according to my son, its finished now.. my daughter in law, has told me, that he told the other woman lots of stuff about them and how he had two children who were not planned etc..
I know I have to cut my son out of my life even though at the moment I am doing 50/50.. because... not that he cheated, but he had un protected sex.. when home had un protected sex within ours.. for all he knows, the other women could have STD, or HIV, and not a thought for his wife, that he could pass something on to her, and def no thought to his children at all.. yet he comes over the lovely playful dad to his kids..
I am going thru the very angry bit now, but still want to keep 50/50 for the sake of the children, but even as I am angry, this is not about me..
My daughter in law wants him back, because she believes she really loves him.
While he was here, he stayed to nearly two weeks, but, he started to slowly go back, he would have his breakfast there, he would shower there, he would do his washing there.. of course, he had to see his children... but it was how he was doing it.. then it got to the stage, he stayed one night .. which that night he actually went out for the night and went back there! i asked him was he going back.. No.. next day he was there all day.. I said was he going back.. NO.. because he did not want here to know what he was doing all the time.. but nothing made sense.. as it was putting a strain on my and my husband, I had enough and took his cloths back and said he had to stay.. you see. I had already asked him not to play games with her, and there it was all over again... he done what he done, then he was now taking control and doing what he wanted, when infact, for what he done, he should not of been doing that, and she should not of allowed him to use the house at he was..
He now has an attitude with me for sending him back, but I was not going to allow him to stay so he could come and go as he pleased including going out etc.. he has to deal with his crap..
I would very much like views of people who have been where my daughter in law is.. she knows I am putting this up, but finds it hard to explain with wording.. Asia just get on with things and put up with it if you like.. so all western views would be helpful for her to try and deal with the situation..
I have just given the outline of everything of how it is..
Situation..
I am in the middle. .. have two grandchildren, 5 and 3. so doing a 50/50 on both sides...
I believe they have been together since 2006. have not slept together much in 5.5 years.. We all live in Asia.
I would value your thoughts please..mainly for my DIL.. your views etc. so she might learn something from members in this forum, this is NOT for me..
Son...
I knew things were bad between them as he use to come round and moan about his wife which we did not want to hear, because of how he acted I felt sorry for her as he was reacting and making himself look bad. He said many times in front of her to us also, how she was with him, how she treated him, how he at times hated her... but he was not perfect, so I use to think he was doing something to wind her up, as he did when he was at home, so, I thought, yeah, and what are you doing for her to react... my problem with my son, is he lies so much one reason why I went to my daughter in law's side some times.. he is a very convincing lier...
End result of emotional abuse from her.......... he went of and had sex with another women, he was seen putting his hand up her skirt, touching her in public.. got seen and it got back to daughter in law.
Daughter in law...
Admitted she has been wrong on how she has treated him.. but in the past she too has told me she does not love him does not want to be with him because of his out bursts which on a few occasions become violent... I do not think in recent times a good 2 years there have been no violent re actions.
General situation.
Son lives in Asia, so culture very different.. he has tried different jobs, his first job before he met her was diving.. he then went onto property selling, which has not really be a success.. his trade in home country is bricklayer, which he is very good at... she has carried him.. paid the mortgage, every bill, kept things going.. her dad died 2.5 months after first baby came along, went back to work quick, she is a very strong woman, but now I can see she is so tired and worn out.. many times she came home to a really messy house.... kids mess most of the time but it was not like the mess in one area, it was everywhere.. washing up left as it was left..
NOW...... the after affect..
She came round and was made all I got was a lot of angry words, not at me, but about my son, he had cheated he got to go.. he does not know many people, no social life as such, so I could not see him on the streets.
Her mum comes up, so there we all are sitting outside hearing what's been going on with both of them.
DIL told me when just the two of us...
He had been with this women for about a month, had sex.. the day he had sex with her, as from what I can understand, it was suppose to be the first time... when he got home he then went and had Sex with my daughter in law.. to make matters worse, he did not use protection with this other women.. and no protection with his wife.... I told her to have STD check, but I dont think she has..
the other woman, also had a boyfriend, so cheated too.. according to my son, its finished now.. my daughter in law, has told me, that he told the other woman lots of stuff about them and how he had two children who were not planned etc..
I know I have to cut my son out of my life even though at the moment I am doing 50/50.. because... not that he cheated, but he had un protected sex.. when home had un protected sex within ours.. for all he knows, the other women could have STD, or HIV, and not a thought for his wife, that he could pass something on to her, and def no thought to his children at all.. yet he comes over the lovely playful dad to his kids..
I am going thru the very angry bit now, but still want to keep 50/50 for the sake of the children, but even as I am angry, this is not about me..
My daughter in law wants him back, because she believes she really loves him.
While he was here, he stayed to nearly two weeks, but, he started to slowly go back, he would have his breakfast there, he would shower there, he would do his washing there.. of course, he had to see his children... but it was how he was doing it.. then it got to the stage, he stayed one night .. which that night he actually went out for the night and went back there! i asked him was he going back.. No.. next day he was there all day.. I said was he going back.. NO.. because he did not want here to know what he was doing all the time.. but nothing made sense.. as it was putting a strain on my and my husband, I had enough and took his cloths back and said he had to stay.. you see. I had already asked him not to play games with her, and there it was all over again... he done what he done, then he was now taking control and doing what he wanted, when infact, for what he done, he should not of been doing that, and she should not of allowed him to use the house at he was..
He now has an attitude with me for sending him back, but I was not going to allow him to stay so he could come and go as he pleased including going out etc.. he has to deal with his crap..
Put the internet to work for you.
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