Before I begin my story I will say that I know I am absolutely in the wrong and need to work to save my marriage. I am 26/F, husband is 31/M. We have a 3 year old. Been married 2 yrs, met 3.5 yrs ago. My husband and I once had a very loving, attentive relationship, and as soon as our child was born he changed his tune. I was working at home, taking care of baby, and going to school full time. He resents the fact that I stay at home and don't make much money. I resent the fact that he shows no interest in our family, drinks nightly to the point of drunken "lectures", looks at photos of naked women on his phone daily, and spends most of his free time with friends at bars or local shows. He and I both drink, and I would say we are both alcoholics. He is a drink every day type, and I drink occasionally, but binge until I pass out. When our child was about 6 months old he began this habit of getting drunk every night and "lecturing" me for hours on end (Pleas e note that I NEVER drink while our child is awake). He would tell me how I wasn't properly "holding down the fort", "didn't contribute financially", "I'm beneath him because he is the primary breadwinner", my friends "don't care about me", "getting a college education is stupid", etc. Generally I'd get fed up every now and then and go out with my friends and binge drink (innocent outings- not looking for an outside relationship). Please note that I never left until I got our child safely in bed with DH or if she was with my mother, and I know my bartenders personally- used to work with them. I know now that as a mother I can't continue to do this, so please don't lecture me on that. Anyway, after years of being put down and denied affection, I told him we need counseling or I need out. He told me he saw no issues and I just need to deal with it myself. His exact words: Fix it yourself. I'm not a little b**** and don't have time to worry about your emotions.
Now, what happened following this is where I royally screwed up. I should have just spent a week at my mom's house to show him how serious I was, but I didn't. My best friend got a new roommate, whom I met on one of our girl's nights. I wasn't attracted to him- we just innocently met. Next time we hung out he started flirting with me, and then I saw the man again- one weekend we kissed- and I felt awful about it all week. I was mulling over telling my husband about it and ending that friendship, but I realized that was the first time I'd been kissed in 2, maybe three years. Here this man was telling me how beautiful I was, that he "wanted" me, etc. Stuff I hadn't heard in years. I began to question my marriage. The next weekend I binge drank and that man and I spent the night together. I was immediately remorseful and disgusted, yet for some reason we met again. I have never been so low and don't understand why I went back for more. When my husband found out, he told me to le ave, which I was prepared for. We agreed on divorce and I stayed at my mom's house for a few days, until he called me and said he couldn't do it. He told me he loved me, he couldn't believe he damaged my self esteem so much and he wanted to quit drinking and get marriage counseling and make it work. So I came back. Everything was great for a week- he had access to all of my social media/phone/you name it. I gave him complete transparency. I have no intentions of ever hurting my family like that again. However, after a week he changed and said he shouldn't be the one "in jail" because he did nothing wrong. He began acting hateful towards me again, acting outrageously controlling, and forbidding me from seeing my only two female friends.
I understand his anger. I understand his fear of me going out and doing the same things, so I am trying to comply. However, I have no adult interaction outside of my husband and those two female friends. It's not healthy for me to sit in my house all day for weeks on end. I tried to go out with my mother once and he let the air out of my tires so I couldn't leave. I'm not proud, but I have had to resort to leaving without permission, and my addiction gets the best of me. My husband and I keep going back and forth: we have a good week, until he gets drunk and "lectures" me (same old emotional abuse), I drink at home after everyone goes to sleep, which leads to me leaving meeting my best friend, mom, or brother and drinking all night, I come home and he's mad. He ignores me for weeks on end, we make up, the cycle starts again. I know I need to quit drinking to stop my half of this cycle. I have joined a secular "AA" type group to handle my drinking, and would like to go to counseling. I just don't see us healing if my binge drinking and his emotional abuse continues, but he refuses to make any changes or see a counselor so we can learn how to respect one another. He just wants to pretend to be a happy family so as not to hurt our child, but he refuses to take action to repair our relationship.
Am I just being extremely selfish? Should I continue to put up with emotional abuse until he trusts me again, and even then, it might not stop? I am taking full blame for this infidelity. I have told him that while we had our issues before hand, what happened was my fault- I handled the situation very inappropriately and I am remorseful. However I can't continue to be treated like I am not a human being. Without counseling, I don't know if there's a future for us, and it's going to continue to hurt us and our child. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel guilty for asking him to change, but I told him I can't continue having someone put down everything I'm proud of on a daily basis. For the record, I have had no contact with OM since I told him I was going to work it out with my husband. He disappeared and moved out of state, from what my best friend told me. Sorry for the huge back story, it's just a complicated situation.
Now, what happened following this is where I royally screwed up. I should have just spent a week at my mom's house to show him how serious I was, but I didn't. My best friend got a new roommate, whom I met on one of our girl's nights. I wasn't attracted to him- we just innocently met. Next time we hung out he started flirting with me, and then I saw the man again- one weekend we kissed- and I felt awful about it all week. I was mulling over telling my husband about it and ending that friendship, but I realized that was the first time I'd been kissed in 2, maybe three years. Here this man was telling me how beautiful I was, that he "wanted" me, etc. Stuff I hadn't heard in years. I began to question my marriage. The next weekend I binge drank and that man and I spent the night together. I was immediately remorseful and disgusted, yet for some reason we met again. I have never been so low and don't understand why I went back for more. When my husband found out, he told me to le ave, which I was prepared for. We agreed on divorce and I stayed at my mom's house for a few days, until he called me and said he couldn't do it. He told me he loved me, he couldn't believe he damaged my self esteem so much and he wanted to quit drinking and get marriage counseling and make it work. So I came back. Everything was great for a week- he had access to all of my social media/phone/you name it. I gave him complete transparency. I have no intentions of ever hurting my family like that again. However, after a week he changed and said he shouldn't be the one "in jail" because he did nothing wrong. He began acting hateful towards me again, acting outrageously controlling, and forbidding me from seeing my only two female friends.
I understand his anger. I understand his fear of me going out and doing the same things, so I am trying to comply. However, I have no adult interaction outside of my husband and those two female friends. It's not healthy for me to sit in my house all day for weeks on end. I tried to go out with my mother once and he let the air out of my tires so I couldn't leave. I'm not proud, but I have had to resort to leaving without permission, and my addiction gets the best of me. My husband and I keep going back and forth: we have a good week, until he gets drunk and "lectures" me (same old emotional abuse), I drink at home after everyone goes to sleep, which leads to me leaving meeting my best friend, mom, or brother and drinking all night, I come home and he's mad. He ignores me for weeks on end, we make up, the cycle starts again. I know I need to quit drinking to stop my half of this cycle. I have joined a secular "AA" type group to handle my drinking, and would like to go to counseling. I just don't see us healing if my binge drinking and his emotional abuse continues, but he refuses to make any changes or see a counselor so we can learn how to respect one another. He just wants to pretend to be a happy family so as not to hurt our child, but he refuses to take action to repair our relationship.
Am I just being extremely selfish? Should I continue to put up with emotional abuse until he trusts me again, and even then, it might not stop? I am taking full blame for this infidelity. I have told him that while we had our issues before hand, what happened was my fault- I handled the situation very inappropriately and I am remorseful. However I can't continue to be treated like I am not a human being. Without counseling, I don't know if there's a future for us, and it's going to continue to hurt us and our child. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel guilty for asking him to change, but I told him I can't continue having someone put down everything I'm proud of on a daily basis. For the record, I have had no contact with OM since I told him I was going to work it out with my husband. He disappeared and moved out of state, from what my best friend told me. Sorry for the huge back story, it's just a complicated situation.
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