Hi,
I'm newly registered here but I have lurked and read posts for a while. It's an interesting forum with a lot of helpful information...that would of been so helpful before my divorce (I never thought to look on line for support).
It will be 4 years since I divorced my husband in the fall. It was as amicable as can be. We had no children, but we had fur kids. We were together for a total of 14 years, married for 7 1/2 and lived together for almost the total years together. We lived together during the divorce and for a short time after, until I was able to find a place to live. There was no infidelity ever in our relationship and we were the best of friends and got along quite well with each other. Laughed a lot, worked well together on projects, had similar interests but were different enough, shared responsibilities and gave each other space when needed. It wasn't a perfect relationship(nothing is), we did argue a little bit, not often ( about money, family, the normal things) and had our quirks that irritated the other too. Nothing that in retrospect, should have lead to a divorce. I know our close friends were shocked when we told them.
We also remained friends after and wanted to reconcile but went about it all wrong; no counseling, tried it right after the divorce and he had no support from his family (something he needed). We needed to breathe a little bit, take a look at how it got to a divorce, be accountable for our failings and keep it private until we had a better understanding of everything. When a union is dissolved in 5 months, there's a lot of emotion, words, tears, anger, confusion and dust that needs to settle.
So why the divorce? I went through a long phase hormonal issue (the good ole' change of life) at too early of an age and undiagnosed until it was almost over and with some other complications. It finally ended after 10 years (that's a long time!) and it did put me in to what I can only define as a MLC ( I hate the term) as I was just about 40 at this time and also stopping a medication that was a brutal experience in of itself. My body and mind were just "off" and I was exhausted, numb, depressed, angry, you name it, I felt it. The problem? I was feeling that about myself but turned it around in my mind to make it about the marriage and looked for anything and everything negative I could find to give reason to leave what I deemed an unhappy marriage. My plan worked like a charm. I said I wanted a divorce and 5 month later, my wish was granted. We were both miserable and upset during it and oddly enough, were each others support system most of the time. Did we have bad moment s? Yes and somehow we always got back on the good foot and did the best we could under terrible circumstances.
Why am I sharing this? Mostly, to let others know that sometimes, what you're feeling isn't the truth and there is something underlying that YOU need to work on. If you aren't happy in your relationship, it's most likely because of YOU (of course unless there is abuse or something major that is not acceptable) and not the other person. Keep communicating (I stopped, he didn't know what to do), look for answers ( I didn't, thought I knew it all). And for me personally, when you're with someone for a long period of time, the evolution of the relationship changes to companionship and friendship. Passion can fade but love and friendship grow stronger and for ME, that is more then most ever have and so important. I can't stress enough too, that family, though they may mean well, can do a lot of damage also, especially if they don't necessarily like the STBX. Keep matters private as I have come to find by my experience, that people love to stick their nose in to the business of oth ers and plant small seeds of doubt, possibly out of protection for their family member, sometimes out of malice.
If I could get a do-over, so much would be different. I can't and that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. So many regrets, at times feelings of shame (that's the worst) and knowing I gave up something that was so very special and that I doubt I will ever find again....especially since I am not looking.
Communicate, love, appreciate the little things, ask for what you need, seek guidance from a trusted objective person, don't blame, don't rush, breathe....slow down. Divorce will always be my biggest regret, biggest mistake and something I know I will never fully get past. Am I better then almost 4 years ago? Somewhat, hindsight has taught me much. Do I miss my XH and does my heart love him? There isn't a day that goes by that I haven't thought of him or missed something about him.
Is my story common? I really don't know. I wish things were different....If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
D'arcy
I'm newly registered here but I have lurked and read posts for a while. It's an interesting forum with a lot of helpful information...that would of been so helpful before my divorce (I never thought to look on line for support).
It will be 4 years since I divorced my husband in the fall. It was as amicable as can be. We had no children, but we had fur kids. We were together for a total of 14 years, married for 7 1/2 and lived together for almost the total years together. We lived together during the divorce and for a short time after, until I was able to find a place to live. There was no infidelity ever in our relationship and we were the best of friends and got along quite well with each other. Laughed a lot, worked well together on projects, had similar interests but were different enough, shared responsibilities and gave each other space when needed. It wasn't a perfect relationship(nothing is), we did argue a little bit, not often ( about money, family, the normal things) and had our quirks that irritated the other too. Nothing that in retrospect, should have lead to a divorce. I know our close friends were shocked when we told them.
We also remained friends after and wanted to reconcile but went about it all wrong; no counseling, tried it right after the divorce and he had no support from his family (something he needed). We needed to breathe a little bit, take a look at how it got to a divorce, be accountable for our failings and keep it private until we had a better understanding of everything. When a union is dissolved in 5 months, there's a lot of emotion, words, tears, anger, confusion and dust that needs to settle.
So why the divorce? I went through a long phase hormonal issue (the good ole' change of life) at too early of an age and undiagnosed until it was almost over and with some other complications. It finally ended after 10 years (that's a long time!) and it did put me in to what I can only define as a MLC ( I hate the term) as I was just about 40 at this time and also stopping a medication that was a brutal experience in of itself. My body and mind were just "off" and I was exhausted, numb, depressed, angry, you name it, I felt it. The problem? I was feeling that about myself but turned it around in my mind to make it about the marriage and looked for anything and everything negative I could find to give reason to leave what I deemed an unhappy marriage. My plan worked like a charm. I said I wanted a divorce and 5 month later, my wish was granted. We were both miserable and upset during it and oddly enough, were each others support system most of the time. Did we have bad moment s? Yes and somehow we always got back on the good foot and did the best we could under terrible circumstances.
Why am I sharing this? Mostly, to let others know that sometimes, what you're feeling isn't the truth and there is something underlying that YOU need to work on. If you aren't happy in your relationship, it's most likely because of YOU (of course unless there is abuse or something major that is not acceptable) and not the other person. Keep communicating (I stopped, he didn't know what to do), look for answers ( I didn't, thought I knew it all). And for me personally, when you're with someone for a long period of time, the evolution of the relationship changes to companionship and friendship. Passion can fade but love and friendship grow stronger and for ME, that is more then most ever have and so important. I can't stress enough too, that family, though they may mean well, can do a lot of damage also, especially if they don't necessarily like the STBX. Keep matters private as I have come to find by my experience, that people love to stick their nose in to the business of oth ers and plant small seeds of doubt, possibly out of protection for their family member, sometimes out of malice.
If I could get a do-over, so much would be different. I can't and that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. So many regrets, at times feelings of shame (that's the worst) and knowing I gave up something that was so very special and that I doubt I will ever find again....especially since I am not looking.
Communicate, love, appreciate the little things, ask for what you need, seek guidance from a trusted objective person, don't blame, don't rush, breathe....slow down. Divorce will always be my biggest regret, biggest mistake and something I know I will never fully get past. Am I better then almost 4 years ago? Somewhat, hindsight has taught me much. Do I miss my XH and does my heart love him? There isn't a day that goes by that I haven't thought of him or missed something about him.
Is my story common? I really don't know. I wish things were different....If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
D'arcy
Put the internet to work for you.
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