Hey, this is going to be a long post. I actually wrote this before.. And then the auto save restored an thread I made..
My girlfriend and I broke up a few days back.
I want to know what to do, what to say or whether I should give up, I'm clinging onto hope on the few things that I still have. She's said she doesn't know what she feels for me anymore. And that right now I'm just a friend. But I want more than that. I don't know if she wants more than that. We both suffer from depression. And it's brought us closer, it did in the start and it did yesterday.
Background
Things started to go sour 2 months ago. We had a big bust up regarding an ex and we went on a break for a week. It ended up with us getting engaged and we exchanged valentine's gifts.. But there were still pieces of trust that were broken from it. But things were good. The day after we got engaged saw each other and we had some sexual contact (sounds irrelevant but read on). We previously were in a relationship where the sex was of BDSM type. She said to me that her nipples wanted torturing that day. And We had some soft, but BDSM style play.
She agrees to come see me in the week, but on the evening before she texts the following "if we do have sex, I don't want any of this heavy master stuff" I agree to this. And we don't have sex anyway. We have a little fondle (only groping and stuff) and then I go downstairs, and make her pancakes. I tell her I was "good". She agreed.
The next few weeks we were busy we saw each other, but we had an engagement celebration, we went bowling and pool a few times we only had a few times where we had time to have sex. And I wasn't going to force it onto her, I wanted her to be comfortable.
Then, 3 weeks ago while we are sitting on the bed. She shows me a paddle that she's seen on ebay. And we both say that we haven't tried the first one yet. I ask if she'd like to try it, she says yes, and I get confused at this point. Because previously she said she didn't want this. However I know that this was the style of sex she prefers and that in time we would have more BDSM. So I ask her some questions, does she want me to get the cane? And I bite her, thinking she would enjoy it like she used to, but I took the wrong initiative. I ultimately asked her if she wanted me. She said yes. Either way, I kept the session short because we were going to do other things. Things were fine that night, we even discussed the logistics of my 21st in October and how we can actually spend nights together in depth.
I didn't think this bothered her at all, until she brought it up when she posted that she was depressed on tumblr. I asked her what was up, she said she wasn't ready to talk about her feelings. And she said she couldn't trust me as a master because apparently she just wanted to try the paddle that week. I half explained my part. But I left it because she seemingly stopped talking to me.
She was feeling depressed all week, and slowly she became increasingly short and agitated with me. I had no idea why, I just had to try my best to try and cheer her up. She started speaking to other guys who made her happy, I got a bit jealous and felt like I was fighting for her attention. I cut down the talking as an earlier chat made it clear that that would be best. We both said it would be best if I went to the doctors and started up anti-depressants again.
Argument
On the Monday just gone, she spoke to a mutual friend of ours about sex. I spoke to him about it too, and I said "we used to have an awesome sex life, but she doesn't want it and we've been too busy" as well as talking about other things.
On Tuesday she read the messages, and had a go because apparently I made her sound like a bitch because she doesn't want sex. So I said I'll explain the situation to him and messaged him I said I don't talk to anyone about our problems because they don't understand or I don't want a bad image painted of her. The only person I felt comfortable talking to was here best friend. Who I'd been told not to speak to about things to, but she knows her best. My girlfriend told me to stop speaking or she'd block me. So I stopped and spoke to her friend.
She read the messages about speaking to her friend and removed me from facebook. Sending me into overdrive. I contacted her, but only a few times. And much less than usual. She also wrote that I never loved her or cared for her as well as that she took her ring off that night on Tumblr.
Our mutual friend contacts me just as I am about to go to bed. I mention about the situaton. He tells me to leave her alone for a while and keep the conversation between ourselves. But I told him that she would most likely read the conversation. He advised me to change my password because she deleted me off of facebook. I didn't change my password... I couldn't actually bring myself to do it. Instead I just turned off facebook across all logged in devices.
She was following the conversation. I got angry and upset snapchats from her saying she never wanted anything to do with me again. And that she will send the ring back via post. Apparently that was one of the last fragments of trust I had broken. And that it was over. I told her that I didn't change my password. She said she didn't care. We were up until 5am arguing.
She then messages me on facebook at 9am. Saying that she read the messages between me and the mutual friend and saying how he lied to me and stuff. That we can still be friends, we have a quick chat for an hour about last night's situation. I leave it at that. I felt the need to respect that she isn't happy and she needs her space, and I just want her to be happy.
Then, she did something that changed my opinion on everything. She messaged me about my doctor's appointment that day, saying it hope it goes okay and she text me as well saying it went okay as I was asleep and didn't read it too quick.
That made me realise that she still cares, even after the arguing the fighting and what not, she still somewhat has feelings for me.
She asked when I got back how the doctors went, and asked questions in depth. We got into a chat about our depression and actually had a decent conversation for the first time in weeks. Even though I too had been suffering. It made me feel closer to her than I had in a few weeks. And it reignited the flare that wasn't going to let it go so easily.
After a night of me playing xbox trying to explain an ideal situation, she said that she had been doubting how she felt about me since the sex incident with the paddle. I accepted and backed off. She said that I was just another guy who cared about sex more than her feelings.. Those words really struck a nerve, as I have never meant that. However, I still want to get my point across. And I don't want to be demonised by something that I didn't mean in the eyes of the one that I still love.
Today I haven't pressurised her into getting back together. Given her some space. But we've had back and forth conversations/games on xbox mobile devices as well as a decent conversation over xbox. It was.. Nice.
The things I have still to cling on to:
She hasn't posted the ring yet, and nor has she made another reference to it.
She hasn't deleted all of the photos like she has done with previous ex-boyfriends.
She still logs onto my facebook to check up on me.
She still speaks to me.. And she still has some feelings for me.
She's not on dating sites still. She was on loads before me.
But she's just posted a status saying she prefers the single life so she's going to enjoy it. Maybe that's after she read my message about me hoping that we could start over to our mutual friend.
I know I need to leave her a bit. But how long? I will worry she will find someone else. And how would I get my point across that I didn't mean that without being too pushy? I need to see her in person I feel to sort this out. But I don't know if she will be willing for a while. And I really need to sort my point of view soon.
Put the internet to work for you.
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