Please grab a coffee as this is long, going back 7 years. Then feel free to comment / advise / laugh /poke a stick at me / ask questions.
Background
Married in 1998 after 2 years together. She is an only child from a badly broken marriage (mother detested father, even 20 years after divorcing). 7 year age gap between us. Her first really serious relationship but I had my heart sliced and diced before and I was very wary. 13 months after our wedding, our beautiful daughter was born. Things changed at that point and the physical side of the relationship diminished which I believed that may just have been a normal reaction. We had our ups and downs through the years, with periods of arguments with both sides of the family. Both sides of the family have real issues!
2007
After multiple family vacations to the US, in late 2006 my wife decided she wanted us to try to move to the US to live (I had lived in the US for school when I was 20). She found a school (she is a teacher) and the process to emigrate began. We got approved in May 2007 and flew out in July 2007. Before we left though we both had separate trips one day apart to see shows in England. She was a member of a fan forum for this particular illusionist and was meeting fellow members at the show. I was at a rock concert with a good friend of mine. Both trips were overnight, one day apart. After we got back we packed our lives into 9 suitcases and despite a huge medical hurdle with our daughter we moved to the US. We settled in, our house in the UK sold much higher than expected and the exchange rate was a good as we could have possibly imagined. We bought a beautiful home, minutes from the prep school she would be working in. Things were tough for the first 6 – 8 months but we got through it. She settled into work and I began working as well. Her family visited at Christmas and we travelled back in summer 2008. Our general relationship seemed to be OK but the physical side was very sparse, perhaps monthly.
2009
The company I worked for went bankrupt in early 2009, but I found work at the end of the year. Relationship was tough as I am not the best home person (cleaning, cooking etc) and that did not help in the relationship while I was home.
2010
From arriving in 2007 we had started to create some friends. I had a friend due to my hometown sports team and we would meet weekly. He was going through a relationship breakdown and we would meet up with him and his young son with our family quite regularly beginning late 2009. As I was working an hours drive away from our home, my wife, daughter and he and his son would meet up at parks to play without me. Something should have clicked here, but it didn't as I didn't think he would start something behind my back. Anyway in May 2010 I got a cell bill with a large overage and huge amounts of texts. I checked the bill and found huge amounts of calls / texts from her to him but I made light of it. She then grabbed me one day saying one of her friends who had visited had hacked her facebook account. As I am technically minded I started looking at email logs and I found huge amounts of Facebook messages going back and forth (with email notifications) late at night between my wife and my 'friend'. I am not a night person so she would sit for hours chatting with him. I finally got up the courage and confronted her (not my nature). She told me yes she had been having an EA with him but there had been nothing physical. She said she loved me but more as a really close friend, and not in a physical way and had not done so for many years, even pre-dating emigrating. She had hoped the move would re-spark our relationship but it hadn't happened. I got her to agree to counseling and we attended and the counselor was very good. Times were tough but she agreed to end all contact with the OM. She even showed me the Facebook message that she sent to him as she hit send. She didn't know that I knew she sent a message just before saying to ignore the next message (the one she showed me) and to wait a few months until she was free. Anyway she did end it with him, but only after going to meet him in person. She went to the doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants as she was struggling. We continued to work on our relationship and it did improve and we began the process to get our Green Cards to allow us to remain in the US. We took a wonderful trip home to the UK returning via San Francisco and Yosemite/Las Vegas and by the end of 2010 we had our Green Cards. Things were looking up and we did continue with counseling (physical side was still very sporadic). I organized a short Bahamas cruise for Feb 2011 and on the day we were leaving I picked up her phone and there was an email from one the males from her fan forum friend, someone who she met during the meet up in 2007. She immediately confessed that she loved him (he was 4,000 miles away in England) and that despite trying she still did not love me. We took the cruise but it was very tense (I know, I know). She flirted with others on the cruise but I was so upset I did not care. When we got home she announced she was leaving and both my daughter and myself were distraught. She stayed with a friend for a month and went to the counselor (as did I). We tried meeting up at the counselor's suggestion as date nights and some went well, some didn't. Anyway she kind of outstayed her welcome at her friends and arranged to move to a long stay hotel until she could find somewhere permanent. During this time our daughter was on a school trip. Within 24 hours of being in the long stay she called me saying she was sorry and really wanted to come home. She assured me there was nothing really in the EA with the OM2. The emails I saw didn't seem to indicate that but she assured me he had a girlfriend and they were living together. Well I took her back, much to the annoyance of my daughter. There were tensions between my daughter and wife and it ended with my daughter basically giving up for the last few weeks of 6th grade. Tension has been high between them ever since, despite some wonderful family vacations.
2012 - present
In late 2012, my MIL was diagnosed with a particularly nasty throat cancer. She initially refused the surgery but after my wife and daughter visited for Christmas 2012, she had the surgery. Just prior to the trip she also began communications with her father after many years of not talking after I discovered him on Facebook. Our relationship continued as before, friendly but very rarely physical. I was working more and more, travelling as well as I got promoted in my job. My wife and daughter travelled back to the UK in Mid 2012 while I stayed back in the US working. I got a bit fed up of working so hard that I decided we would all spend Christmas together back in the UK. As a present my wife arranged for my daughter and myself to go to London on Dec 26th to see Les Miserables. She however had arranged to go and see a play with one of her favorite actors with her mother, also in England but not London on the same day but she would drive while we flew. Now she wasn't sure if her mother would travel because of the visual scarring after her surgery and her health wasn't (isn't) great anyway. Anyway she dropped us at the airport and was supposed to head to her mothers to pick her up. Well when I called to see how things had gone she told me she had called her mother and that her mother wasn't saying no but wasn't quite ready so she decided to lie to her mother and tell her she had arranged to take her friend instead as she knew she wasn't really up to it. Anyway we saw our respective shows and stayed overnight before travelling back on Dec 27th. I called as she was leaving the hotel and as she answered I could hear her at the end of a conversation with someone. I asked her and she just said it was just someone she was passing. During our trip we met with her father a few times and things were improving between him and my wife and daughter. Anyway we came back to the US after that trip and things physically had become even more sporadic. I was becoming very stressed at work after a promotion but a change in our leadership. I had began thinking of quitting in May / June 2013 but the pressure was ever increasing so I was not the easiest person to be around. Our daughter was also exhibiting some disturbing signs and eventually we found a family counselor who began working with her. The relationship between mother and daughter that broke down after my wife left in 2011 had never really healed and had in fact become worse. Eventually my daughter was diagnosed with depression and began meds as well as continuing counseling. However in early March my wife received a call from a family member saying her father had collapsed at work and was intensive care. After consulting with the medical team she decided she would travel back, and our daughter decided she would also go, removing herself from a prestigious show she had been in. My wife said there was no point me spending a large amount of money to travel as well. They went for 2 weeks during which time the medical team couldn't revive him and in the end they had to end the intervention and he passed away. They stayed for a few days more but had to return before the funeral. Obviously since they returned at the end of March they have been very down but I had also handed in my notice at work (prior to his collapse) so I finished while they were gone. Anyway I have been at home while I am working on finding a new career and yesterday I picked up my wife's laptop to check something on iTunes and her Gmail account popped up, with you guessed it, an email from the guy 4,000 miles away again. There was a history of emails going back to November 2013 and the emails continued during our Christmas trip to the UK and even during her trip to see her father before he passed. I saw mention of a special Christmas present, and although I cannot prove it, I believe she met him while my daughter and I were in London and she was at the other show. Well I confronted her (in her workplace after everyone was gone). Actually as I entered the classroom she was taking to him on Skype. She knew immediately that I had discovered it again. She told me she had given it 3 years like the counselor told her had said it possibly may take back in 2011 and that she still loved me, but not in a physical sense (back to that again) and that it wasn't fair to continue. She immediately said she would find a place to live. I told her that was fine, but she needed to be out within a few hours. I did not want this dragging on. It was going to be hard enough for my daughter who was already depressed and struggling at school to have this added but I really couldn't see any other possibility. I don't think she really liked this but she left last night and I personally believe the relationship has ended this time.
Now a final piece of the jigsaw. I believe my wife struggles with depression. She is the kind of person who panics if everything is going well. She seems to be more 'happy' when she has something to worry about. She does drink quite a lot, certainly in comparison to me. She will easily drink a bottle of wine a night or 4 or 5 beers and her mother is an alcoholic (but will not admit it). She also struggles with people who have more than her which is a real problem in the private school where she works with money dripping all around. She also has thing for writing fan fiction based on existing shows (mostly of a more erotic nature). Her reasoning for falling out of love is that I am her only boyfriend and that she never "lived" life before we were married. Incidentally she proposed to me!
Question is: Where should I go from here? All comments, suggestions, questions welcomed! I have tried to be as thorough as possible but if there are any pertinent points I have missed I will gladly elaborate.
Background
Married in 1998 after 2 years together. She is an only child from a badly broken marriage (mother detested father, even 20 years after divorcing). 7 year age gap between us. Her first really serious relationship but I had my heart sliced and diced before and I was very wary. 13 months after our wedding, our beautiful daughter was born. Things changed at that point and the physical side of the relationship diminished which I believed that may just have been a normal reaction. We had our ups and downs through the years, with periods of arguments with both sides of the family. Both sides of the family have real issues!
2007
After multiple family vacations to the US, in late 2006 my wife decided she wanted us to try to move to the US to live (I had lived in the US for school when I was 20). She found a school (she is a teacher) and the process to emigrate began. We got approved in May 2007 and flew out in July 2007. Before we left though we both had separate trips one day apart to see shows in England. She was a member of a fan forum for this particular illusionist and was meeting fellow members at the show. I was at a rock concert with a good friend of mine. Both trips were overnight, one day apart. After we got back we packed our lives into 9 suitcases and despite a huge medical hurdle with our daughter we moved to the US. We settled in, our house in the UK sold much higher than expected and the exchange rate was a good as we could have possibly imagined. We bought a beautiful home, minutes from the prep school she would be working in. Things were tough for the first 6 – 8 months but we got through it. She settled into work and I began working as well. Her family visited at Christmas and we travelled back in summer 2008. Our general relationship seemed to be OK but the physical side was very sparse, perhaps monthly.
2009
The company I worked for went bankrupt in early 2009, but I found work at the end of the year. Relationship was tough as I am not the best home person (cleaning, cooking etc) and that did not help in the relationship while I was home.
2010
From arriving in 2007 we had started to create some friends. I had a friend due to my hometown sports team and we would meet weekly. He was going through a relationship breakdown and we would meet up with him and his young son with our family quite regularly beginning late 2009. As I was working an hours drive away from our home, my wife, daughter and he and his son would meet up at parks to play without me. Something should have clicked here, but it didn't as I didn't think he would start something behind my back. Anyway in May 2010 I got a cell bill with a large overage and huge amounts of texts. I checked the bill and found huge amounts of calls / texts from her to him but I made light of it. She then grabbed me one day saying one of her friends who had visited had hacked her facebook account. As I am technically minded I started looking at email logs and I found huge amounts of Facebook messages going back and forth (with email notifications) late at night between my wife and my 'friend'. I am not a night person so she would sit for hours chatting with him. I finally got up the courage and confronted her (not my nature). She told me yes she had been having an EA with him but there had been nothing physical. She said she loved me but more as a really close friend, and not in a physical way and had not done so for many years, even pre-dating emigrating. She had hoped the move would re-spark our relationship but it hadn't happened. I got her to agree to counseling and we attended and the counselor was very good. Times were tough but she agreed to end all contact with the OM. She even showed me the Facebook message that she sent to him as she hit send. She didn't know that I knew she sent a message just before saying to ignore the next message (the one she showed me) and to wait a few months until she was free. Anyway she did end it with him, but only after going to meet him in person. She went to the doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants as she was struggling. We continued to work on our relationship and it did improve and we began the process to get our Green Cards to allow us to remain in the US. We took a wonderful trip home to the UK returning via San Francisco and Yosemite/Las Vegas and by the end of 2010 we had our Green Cards. Things were looking up and we did continue with counseling (physical side was still very sporadic). I organized a short Bahamas cruise for Feb 2011 and on the day we were leaving I picked up her phone and there was an email from one the males from her fan forum friend, someone who she met during the meet up in 2007. She immediately confessed that she loved him (he was 4,000 miles away in England) and that despite trying she still did not love me. We took the cruise but it was very tense (I know, I know). She flirted with others on the cruise but I was so upset I did not care. When we got home she announced she was leaving and both my daughter and myself were distraught. She stayed with a friend for a month and went to the counselor (as did I). We tried meeting up at the counselor's suggestion as date nights and some went well, some didn't. Anyway she kind of outstayed her welcome at her friends and arranged to move to a long stay hotel until she could find somewhere permanent. During this time our daughter was on a school trip. Within 24 hours of being in the long stay she called me saying she was sorry and really wanted to come home. She assured me there was nothing really in the EA with the OM2. The emails I saw didn't seem to indicate that but she assured me he had a girlfriend and they were living together. Well I took her back, much to the annoyance of my daughter. There were tensions between my daughter and wife and it ended with my daughter basically giving up for the last few weeks of 6th grade. Tension has been high between them ever since, despite some wonderful family vacations.
2012 - present
In late 2012, my MIL was diagnosed with a particularly nasty throat cancer. She initially refused the surgery but after my wife and daughter visited for Christmas 2012, she had the surgery. Just prior to the trip she also began communications with her father after many years of not talking after I discovered him on Facebook. Our relationship continued as before, friendly but very rarely physical. I was working more and more, travelling as well as I got promoted in my job. My wife and daughter travelled back to the UK in Mid 2012 while I stayed back in the US working. I got a bit fed up of working so hard that I decided we would all spend Christmas together back in the UK. As a present my wife arranged for my daughter and myself to go to London on Dec 26th to see Les Miserables. She however had arranged to go and see a play with one of her favorite actors with her mother, also in England but not London on the same day but she would drive while we flew. Now she wasn't sure if her mother would travel because of the visual scarring after her surgery and her health wasn't (isn't) great anyway. Anyway she dropped us at the airport and was supposed to head to her mothers to pick her up. Well when I called to see how things had gone she told me she had called her mother and that her mother wasn't saying no but wasn't quite ready so she decided to lie to her mother and tell her she had arranged to take her friend instead as she knew she wasn't really up to it. Anyway we saw our respective shows and stayed overnight before travelling back on Dec 27th. I called as she was leaving the hotel and as she answered I could hear her at the end of a conversation with someone. I asked her and she just said it was just someone she was passing. During our trip we met with her father a few times and things were improving between him and my wife and daughter. Anyway we came back to the US after that trip and things physically had become even more sporadic. I was becoming very stressed at work after a promotion but a change in our leadership. I had began thinking of quitting in May / June 2013 but the pressure was ever increasing so I was not the easiest person to be around. Our daughter was also exhibiting some disturbing signs and eventually we found a family counselor who began working with her. The relationship between mother and daughter that broke down after my wife left in 2011 had never really healed and had in fact become worse. Eventually my daughter was diagnosed with depression and began meds as well as continuing counseling. However in early March my wife received a call from a family member saying her father had collapsed at work and was intensive care. After consulting with the medical team she decided she would travel back, and our daughter decided she would also go, removing herself from a prestigious show she had been in. My wife said there was no point me spending a large amount of money to travel as well. They went for 2 weeks during which time the medical team couldn't revive him and in the end they had to end the intervention and he passed away. They stayed for a few days more but had to return before the funeral. Obviously since they returned at the end of March they have been very down but I had also handed in my notice at work (prior to his collapse) so I finished while they were gone. Anyway I have been at home while I am working on finding a new career and yesterday I picked up my wife's laptop to check something on iTunes and her Gmail account popped up, with you guessed it, an email from the guy 4,000 miles away again. There was a history of emails going back to November 2013 and the emails continued during our Christmas trip to the UK and even during her trip to see her father before he passed. I saw mention of a special Christmas present, and although I cannot prove it, I believe she met him while my daughter and I were in London and she was at the other show. Well I confronted her (in her workplace after everyone was gone). Actually as I entered the classroom she was taking to him on Skype. She knew immediately that I had discovered it again. She told me she had given it 3 years like the counselor told her had said it possibly may take back in 2011 and that she still loved me, but not in a physical sense (back to that again) and that it wasn't fair to continue. She immediately said she would find a place to live. I told her that was fine, but she needed to be out within a few hours. I did not want this dragging on. It was going to be hard enough for my daughter who was already depressed and struggling at school to have this added but I really couldn't see any other possibility. I don't think she really liked this but she left last night and I personally believe the relationship has ended this time.
Now a final piece of the jigsaw. I believe my wife struggles with depression. She is the kind of person who panics if everything is going well. She seems to be more 'happy' when she has something to worry about. She does drink quite a lot, certainly in comparison to me. She will easily drink a bottle of wine a night or 4 or 5 beers and her mother is an alcoholic (but will not admit it). She also struggles with people who have more than her which is a real problem in the private school where she works with money dripping all around. She also has thing for writing fan fiction based on existing shows (mostly of a more erotic nature). Her reasoning for falling out of love is that I am her only boyfriend and that she never "lived" life before we were married. Incidentally she proposed to me!
Question is: Where should I go from here? All comments, suggestions, questions welcomed! I have tried to be as thorough as possible but if there are any pertinent points I have missed I will gladly elaborate.
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