Ok - it's a long story - here goes. I don't want to hurt her, but I cannot image staying married anymore. I have contacted an attorney and he wants me to file, get a restraining order and an order of temporary support. I just can't imagine doing this to someone. We're making one last ditch effort in couples therapy. Am I crazy?
Married 15 years this May. First 5 were very good. We had it all (except kids). Her mom and dad divorced. The primary reason was that he had 2 affairs. After the second affair, he confided in my wife and she told her mom. The divorce was not messy but I was shocked that she outed him after she confided in her. I don't think she intended for her mom to cut it off like that. I think she was trying to help them. Her dad died a year after the divorce and she was devastated.
From day one I was the romantic, supportive, thinking optimistically, looking to help kind of guy. People often told me I was that guy that rarely comes along and that my wife was very lucky to have me. I believed in spending a lot of time together, sharing everything. I developed interests in line with hers, abandoned some of my own because she had no interest in them, and life was pretty good most of the time. That said, I was NOT perfect. I was a bit of a hot head but I never raised anything other than my voice. Like that old song, treat her like a lady. Always writing extra poetic stuff in card for every occasion. Thinking of her at every turn. Always giving 100%. Frequently changing my mind (giving in) when we were at odds on what to do, where to go, what movie to see, etc...
Then there was the 6 years of infertility which took a huge emotional and financial toll. Ultimately we had twins who are now in grade school. During the infertility phase she was in a very dark place. The MD said her uterus was not working properly and could not carry children. She ended up on Prozac which barely helped. Her breakdowns were frequent but I did all I could to support her. But not enough and I would occasionally lose my cool because she refused to stay focused and positive. Instead she was sullen, self-critical, and very very depressed. It culminated in 4 events which probably defined our future.
1) She had what I believe to be an emotional affair with a guy at work (she denies, but the evidence points to the contrary). 2) She totally lost it after the second miscarriage and ate a handful of Advil. I called the cops and she went to the ER. 3) after the 3rd or 4th miscarriage she lost it again and "wanted to die" and ran outside. I gave chase, got angry, said some stupid stuff and the neighbor overheard and called the cops and 4) she got a DUI, lied and said she was alone when she was in fact with that guy from item #1.
Before the kids she was occasionally critical of me but nothing I could not handle, I'm in sales (thick skin). The criticism grew through the infertility period and leveled off when the kids were born. Then things started to escalate again. More and more I felt irrelevant, that my opinions did not really count, and I could not do enough to keep myself out of the dog house. I got a therapist (which she thought was "stupid") and started working on ways to improve myself and hopefully the relationship. She refused to see a shrink except for the Prozac doc who was required after the suicide attempt (once a month). By the time the kids were 3 I felt like I could not get anything right. She grew more and more intolerant. It felt like she was taking advantage to my willingness to give in. Frequently she would not back down until she got what she wanted. One night I forgot my therapist appt until the last minute, called her and told her and she forced me to cancel it so she could meet a friend for dinner. I begged her not to make me cancel it because I had overlooked the last appt too and I felt badly about doing that. I was pretty upset. Moreover, she never admitted guilt to stuff she was obviously guilty of. When she backed into my car and I proved it showing dent height and paint marks she said "well if I did hit your car I didn't know I did that".
I started travelling extensively for work and got involved with someone else for a short time. This other person thought i was the BEST (everything) in the whole world... I bought into it for a while but ultimately we parted. Deep down I knew I was fooling myself in a very bad way and it had to end. I ended it and she begged me back a few times. Before it was completely over, as you might expect I got caught. I cut all ties, and I never did it again but the damage was done. The level of devastation cannot be described. She was wrecked. And I was guilty but I was also firmly committed to fixing what I broke. So for the past 4 years I have done everything in my power to restore trust. But no matter how open my book was, it was not enough. She read into everything, and everything was a sure sign I was cheating. It was frustrating to keep up with that. I went back into therapy and we saw a couple's counselor. She saw a counselor too. But the couple's thing stopped quickly because she "could not believe" I would tell the therapist such and such. She also stopped seeing her therapist because that therapist was telling her a divorce was the best option. I kept on seeing mine for about 3 years and only stopped after we had some couples sessions with my therapist. Things improved a little, but the trust was still totally gone and did not seem like it was going to ever come back. I remain faithful to this day.
My therapist also told me privately that I could not make her happy or make her trust me. She needed to find her happy place on her own and she needed to trust me, or the relationship was likely doomed.
In the last 4 years she has devolved into a more miserable and very unhappy person. She gained 40 pounds, eats unhealthy, sits on the couch, shops like crazy, threatens suicide, leaving me, and other horrible thoughts (including saying this crazy stuff in front of the kids). SHe wanted a $12K tummy tuck and I agreed. She has since gained back all the weight and more. She spent all our money and racked up more than $100K in debt. When she did that I put my foot down (3 years ago) and told her to never touch the home equity line of credit again. When she wanted to move to Florida and I agreed; provided we could save the entire down payment and get some of this crazy debt retired. Instead, and without my knowledge, she quietly racked up an additional $100K+ in debt in 18 months. She even dug into the home equity line again without telling me. The spending is crazy. Vacations, decoration for the house, $13K in her clothes, etc. All the while, I'm asking her, can we really afford this kind of spending?
When I took over paying the bills she went ballistic and told me I would not be able to do it. Basically she inferred I was not smart enough to handle paying the bills. So I agreed to let her help me with them and the weekly bill paying meetings are filled with her anger. She threw a Starbucks cup across the room in a screaming fit when I made it a requirement that we follow the new budget to the letter. No "want" spending… only "need" spending until we are well above water. I created a 16 month budget that mapped out a plan to get us completely debt free. I used the prior year expenses to figure the budget. Nothing in it is unrealistic.
She is using sadness, anger, threats, and relentless arguing to get what she wants. She refuses any kind of therapy, she blames me (or anyone but herself) for all the problems in her world, she has zero empathy, she fears another affair by me (and I practically never leave the house except to go and from work).
I'm ready to leave. A week ago she basically told me all her threats of suicide and leaving were manipulations to get me to give in to her. Example: I wanted to sell a timeshare to retire some of the debt and she went crazy screaming you have me, I hate you, I want a divorce, maybe I will just kill myself, - all with the kids in the next room.
When I told her I was contemplating divorce she said she would do couples counseling. But before that, she thought therapy was stupid and a waste of time and money... and she did not want me to see a therapist either because I "always pick an out of network provider".
I'm concerned that my wife's approach to adversity or conflict with me is to go supernova until I back down. I'm concerned about bipolar disorder underlying all of this since it runs in her family and there have been some crazy spending that put us in a deep hole. I'm concerned about co-dependence since there are a lot of signs of that going on. I'm concerned about depression driving some scary behavior in my spouse. I'm concerned about suicide attempts since we've already been through one. I'm concerned for the safety of our children given my wife's past threats and gestures. Finally, I'm concerned that my wife has only agreed to therapy at this time to help me with "my" problems.
Married 15 years this May. First 5 were very good. We had it all (except kids). Her mom and dad divorced. The primary reason was that he had 2 affairs. After the second affair, he confided in my wife and she told her mom. The divorce was not messy but I was shocked that she outed him after she confided in her. I don't think she intended for her mom to cut it off like that. I think she was trying to help them. Her dad died a year after the divorce and she was devastated.
From day one I was the romantic, supportive, thinking optimistically, looking to help kind of guy. People often told me I was that guy that rarely comes along and that my wife was very lucky to have me. I believed in spending a lot of time together, sharing everything. I developed interests in line with hers, abandoned some of my own because she had no interest in them, and life was pretty good most of the time. That said, I was NOT perfect. I was a bit of a hot head but I never raised anything other than my voice. Like that old song, treat her like a lady. Always writing extra poetic stuff in card for every occasion. Thinking of her at every turn. Always giving 100%. Frequently changing my mind (giving in) when we were at odds on what to do, where to go, what movie to see, etc...
Then there was the 6 years of infertility which took a huge emotional and financial toll. Ultimately we had twins who are now in grade school. During the infertility phase she was in a very dark place. The MD said her uterus was not working properly and could not carry children. She ended up on Prozac which barely helped. Her breakdowns were frequent but I did all I could to support her. But not enough and I would occasionally lose my cool because she refused to stay focused and positive. Instead she was sullen, self-critical, and very very depressed. It culminated in 4 events which probably defined our future.
1) She had what I believe to be an emotional affair with a guy at work (she denies, but the evidence points to the contrary). 2) She totally lost it after the second miscarriage and ate a handful of Advil. I called the cops and she went to the ER. 3) after the 3rd or 4th miscarriage she lost it again and "wanted to die" and ran outside. I gave chase, got angry, said some stupid stuff and the neighbor overheard and called the cops and 4) she got a DUI, lied and said she was alone when she was in fact with that guy from item #1.
Before the kids she was occasionally critical of me but nothing I could not handle, I'm in sales (thick skin). The criticism grew through the infertility period and leveled off when the kids were born. Then things started to escalate again. More and more I felt irrelevant, that my opinions did not really count, and I could not do enough to keep myself out of the dog house. I got a therapist (which she thought was "stupid") and started working on ways to improve myself and hopefully the relationship. She refused to see a shrink except for the Prozac doc who was required after the suicide attempt (once a month). By the time the kids were 3 I felt like I could not get anything right. She grew more and more intolerant. It felt like she was taking advantage to my willingness to give in. Frequently she would not back down until she got what she wanted. One night I forgot my therapist appt until the last minute, called her and told her and she forced me to cancel it so she could meet a friend for dinner. I begged her not to make me cancel it because I had overlooked the last appt too and I felt badly about doing that. I was pretty upset. Moreover, she never admitted guilt to stuff she was obviously guilty of. When she backed into my car and I proved it showing dent height and paint marks she said "well if I did hit your car I didn't know I did that".
I started travelling extensively for work and got involved with someone else for a short time. This other person thought i was the BEST (everything) in the whole world... I bought into it for a while but ultimately we parted. Deep down I knew I was fooling myself in a very bad way and it had to end. I ended it and she begged me back a few times. Before it was completely over, as you might expect I got caught. I cut all ties, and I never did it again but the damage was done. The level of devastation cannot be described. She was wrecked. And I was guilty but I was also firmly committed to fixing what I broke. So for the past 4 years I have done everything in my power to restore trust. But no matter how open my book was, it was not enough. She read into everything, and everything was a sure sign I was cheating. It was frustrating to keep up with that. I went back into therapy and we saw a couple's counselor. She saw a counselor too. But the couple's thing stopped quickly because she "could not believe" I would tell the therapist such and such. She also stopped seeing her therapist because that therapist was telling her a divorce was the best option. I kept on seeing mine for about 3 years and only stopped after we had some couples sessions with my therapist. Things improved a little, but the trust was still totally gone and did not seem like it was going to ever come back. I remain faithful to this day.
My therapist also told me privately that I could not make her happy or make her trust me. She needed to find her happy place on her own and she needed to trust me, or the relationship was likely doomed.
In the last 4 years she has devolved into a more miserable and very unhappy person. She gained 40 pounds, eats unhealthy, sits on the couch, shops like crazy, threatens suicide, leaving me, and other horrible thoughts (including saying this crazy stuff in front of the kids). SHe wanted a $12K tummy tuck and I agreed. She has since gained back all the weight and more. She spent all our money and racked up more than $100K in debt. When she did that I put my foot down (3 years ago) and told her to never touch the home equity line of credit again. When she wanted to move to Florida and I agreed; provided we could save the entire down payment and get some of this crazy debt retired. Instead, and without my knowledge, she quietly racked up an additional $100K+ in debt in 18 months. She even dug into the home equity line again without telling me. The spending is crazy. Vacations, decoration for the house, $13K in her clothes, etc. All the while, I'm asking her, can we really afford this kind of spending?
When I took over paying the bills she went ballistic and told me I would not be able to do it. Basically she inferred I was not smart enough to handle paying the bills. So I agreed to let her help me with them and the weekly bill paying meetings are filled with her anger. She threw a Starbucks cup across the room in a screaming fit when I made it a requirement that we follow the new budget to the letter. No "want" spending… only "need" spending until we are well above water. I created a 16 month budget that mapped out a plan to get us completely debt free. I used the prior year expenses to figure the budget. Nothing in it is unrealistic.
She is using sadness, anger, threats, and relentless arguing to get what she wants. She refuses any kind of therapy, she blames me (or anyone but herself) for all the problems in her world, she has zero empathy, she fears another affair by me (and I practically never leave the house except to go and from work).
I'm ready to leave. A week ago she basically told me all her threats of suicide and leaving were manipulations to get me to give in to her. Example: I wanted to sell a timeshare to retire some of the debt and she went crazy screaming you have me, I hate you, I want a divorce, maybe I will just kill myself, - all with the kids in the next room.
When I told her I was contemplating divorce she said she would do couples counseling. But before that, she thought therapy was stupid and a waste of time and money... and she did not want me to see a therapist either because I "always pick an out of network provider".
I'm concerned that my wife's approach to adversity or conflict with me is to go supernova until I back down. I'm concerned about bipolar disorder underlying all of this since it runs in her family and there have been some crazy spending that put us in a deep hole. I'm concerned about co-dependence since there are a lot of signs of that going on. I'm concerned about depression driving some scary behavior in my spouse. I'm concerned about suicide attempts since we've already been through one. I'm concerned for the safety of our children given my wife's past threats and gestures. Finally, I'm concerned that my wife has only agreed to therapy at this time to help me with "my" problems.
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