I have a confession. I have been married for three and a half years. My husband and I have a sexless marriage. In fact, we are both virgins.
My husband is desperate to have sex, but as the years go by, my level of interest declines. My husband and I first met eight years ago. Originally, there was chemistry and there was a spark. We were in university at the time. He was living in a shared dorm room and I still lived at home with my parents. Needless to say, anytime we wanted to have true 'alone' time, we had to get creative (i.e. empty lecture halls, hallways, quiet library corner, etc.). Definitely not the most romantic scenes (especially when your professor walks in on you on his desk in the empty lecture hall). We used to have fun, but never sex. We mutually decided to wait to have sex until after marriage.
So since then, we moved in together, gotten engaged, gotten married, and in all this time resentments have grown and our love life has died.
My problem is, is that I don't know how to let him into my space bubble. He has done some things in the past that have really hurt me, and instinctively I prefer to keep him at arms length. There was a truly low point in our relationship, where he didn't respect me. With foreplay he was very, very rough. I've watched him masturbate, and sometimes he gets really rough with himself. So much so that between roughness and frequency he gives himself a friction rash. He used to use that same kind of vigor on my lady parts 'repeatidly' and after being told and shown was I like and don't like. He also went through this stage where he would constantly and out of nowhere, grab and squeeze my boob, butt, crotch, whatever he could get fastest to, while I wasn't paying attention. Didn't matter if we were at home or in public. During this same time period I would wake up in the middle of the night to him grabbing at my breasts or him having his hand down my pants. He would also shove his f ingers up my vag with zero lubrication.
We have worked on issues surrounding boundaries and space, but I don't know how to trust him in an intimate setting. The past couple years of intimate life for me have been painful not pleasureful. I want to have an intimate life with someone who I know will take care of me, not hurt me.
These days I try to talk to him about the importance of foreplay and romance. All I get is "I don't do romance," and him randomly walking up to me in the evening, sticking his **** in my face, and asking if "Maximus" can have a hand job/blow job.
I understand he has needs, but I feel like he just doesn't/isn't willing to comprehend that I have needs too. So after almost four years of marriage, we're still virgins lost in a tit-for-tat and I have no idea how to fix the situation. If anyone has any ideas, I sure would appreciate them.
My husband is desperate to have sex, but as the years go by, my level of interest declines. My husband and I first met eight years ago. Originally, there was chemistry and there was a spark. We were in university at the time. He was living in a shared dorm room and I still lived at home with my parents. Needless to say, anytime we wanted to have true 'alone' time, we had to get creative (i.e. empty lecture halls, hallways, quiet library corner, etc.). Definitely not the most romantic scenes (especially when your professor walks in on you on his desk in the empty lecture hall). We used to have fun, but never sex. We mutually decided to wait to have sex until after marriage.
So since then, we moved in together, gotten engaged, gotten married, and in all this time resentments have grown and our love life has died.
My problem is, is that I don't know how to let him into my space bubble. He has done some things in the past that have really hurt me, and instinctively I prefer to keep him at arms length. There was a truly low point in our relationship, where he didn't respect me. With foreplay he was very, very rough. I've watched him masturbate, and sometimes he gets really rough with himself. So much so that between roughness and frequency he gives himself a friction rash. He used to use that same kind of vigor on my lady parts 'repeatidly' and after being told and shown was I like and don't like. He also went through this stage where he would constantly and out of nowhere, grab and squeeze my boob, butt, crotch, whatever he could get fastest to, while I wasn't paying attention. Didn't matter if we were at home or in public. During this same time period I would wake up in the middle of the night to him grabbing at my breasts or him having his hand down my pants. He would also shove his f ingers up my vag with zero lubrication.
We have worked on issues surrounding boundaries and space, but I don't know how to trust him in an intimate setting. The past couple years of intimate life for me have been painful not pleasureful. I want to have an intimate life with someone who I know will take care of me, not hurt me.
These days I try to talk to him about the importance of foreplay and romance. All I get is "I don't do romance," and him randomly walking up to me in the evening, sticking his **** in my face, and asking if "Maximus" can have a hand job/blow job.
I understand he has needs, but I feel like he just doesn't/isn't willing to comprehend that I have needs too. So after almost four years of marriage, we're still virgins lost in a tit-for-tat and I have no idea how to fix the situation. If anyone has any ideas, I sure would appreciate them.
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