this is the second time in 5 months i have had two feet out the door and have been ready to move on and file divorce papers. last time, my husband convinced me he would change and begged for another chance, and lo and behold, nothing happened. predictably, he is saying the same thing this time around. i asked him what was different this time, and he said "he just feels different and more capable."
i don't have any faith in him whatsoever. i don't believe he'll make any of the changes he needs to make. and what's more, even if he did by some miracle manage to become a responsible adult and father, i don't think my feelings for him will ever come back. i've been through enough emotional abuse and having to play mommy to him that it's killed any romantic feeling i had for him at all.
he just doesn't understand this and he's not willing to try. he claims i'm the love of his life and i should always be willing to give him another chance if it means keeping our family together (we have a 15 month old daughter). i kept insisting on divorce but he wore me down by insisting i would be breaking up our family for good and how could i do such a thing? i relented and said i would file for legal separation instead and if he could get a job and take his meds regularly (he has moderate depression - that we know of) and spend more time with our daughter, i would consider spending more time with him in a friendly capacity. but no promises of a rekindled relationship.
i'm pretty sure the only part of that he heard was that i'd spend more time with him because now he's always asking me to hang out and do date-like things and makes jokes about being romantically or sexually involved and it grosses me out and makes me incredibly uncomfortable. this just further cements my feelings about the situation. i just do not want to be with him anymore. i can't stand him and i cannot see myself spending the rest of my life with him. but i know if i go back on our "agreement" and serve him with divorce papers, he'll go ballistic.
so how do i stop feeling like the bad guy here? i know after what he's put me through i have no obligation to him, and he will "admit" that too, but then he'll still say i really should give him another chance because "after all i'm still your husband." so he really doesn't get or doesn't care about the damage he's done so much as he cares about keeping me in his life to control. i just hate dealing with the guilt trips he tries to put me through and it's not like i can just not speak to him because we have a daughter that i'd like him to have a relationship with.
i don't have any faith in him whatsoever. i don't believe he'll make any of the changes he needs to make. and what's more, even if he did by some miracle manage to become a responsible adult and father, i don't think my feelings for him will ever come back. i've been through enough emotional abuse and having to play mommy to him that it's killed any romantic feeling i had for him at all.
he just doesn't understand this and he's not willing to try. he claims i'm the love of his life and i should always be willing to give him another chance if it means keeping our family together (we have a 15 month old daughter). i kept insisting on divorce but he wore me down by insisting i would be breaking up our family for good and how could i do such a thing? i relented and said i would file for legal separation instead and if he could get a job and take his meds regularly (he has moderate depression - that we know of) and spend more time with our daughter, i would consider spending more time with him in a friendly capacity. but no promises of a rekindled relationship.
i'm pretty sure the only part of that he heard was that i'd spend more time with him because now he's always asking me to hang out and do date-like things and makes jokes about being romantically or sexually involved and it grosses me out and makes me incredibly uncomfortable. this just further cements my feelings about the situation. i just do not want to be with him anymore. i can't stand him and i cannot see myself spending the rest of my life with him. but i know if i go back on our "agreement" and serve him with divorce papers, he'll go ballistic.
so how do i stop feeling like the bad guy here? i know after what he's put me through i have no obligation to him, and he will "admit" that too, but then he'll still say i really should give him another chance because "after all i'm still your husband." so he really doesn't get or doesn't care about the damage he's done so much as he cares about keeping me in his life to control. i just hate dealing with the guilt trips he tries to put me through and it's not like i can just not speak to him because we have a daughter that i'd like him to have a relationship with.
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