I want to start by saying that I am the one who cheated. I screwed up, big time. That's a massive understatement. I had an affair with a coworker. I have never blamed my wife for anything. This wasn't her fault. I am just an idiot who made some really stupid choices and I'd give anything to go back and not make those dumb choices.
Before I talk about what I need advice with, here's some facts / background:
1. My wife and I have been married roughly 3.5 years, we've been together nearly 7. We have a 5-year-old son.
2. I did not have any physical sexual contact (not even kissing) with this woman but there were some inappropriate messages exchanged (sexual talk, no pictures). I am just stating a fact, I am not trying to make it seem like things aren't as bad because we didn't sleep together.
3. The other woman and I both used the "L" word (love) a couple of times but I was -- and I am not -- in love with her.
4. I have cut off all contact with this other woman -- I even quit my job since she worked for the same company. I have zero desire to talk to her or see her again. Thinking about her makes me physically ill at this point because of what I've done and how much I have hurt my wife. I did at one point lie to my wife about cutting it off but she caught me in the lie one night when she took my phone while I was asleep and found messages. At that point was when I quit my job and cut off all communication.
I have to be honest, I didn't want to quit my job. I'd been working there for five years, worked my way up into a management position, and my wife and I were only a step above living check to check and we had no savings. When I brought that up, though, she told me that it meant that cared more about that stuff than her feelings, so I didn't have a choice. I quit my job.
The messages she found were pretty bad. She saw the "L" word being used, she saw sexual talk, and she also saw myself and the other woman mocking some of the things my wife had been doing since she found out (e.g. texting the other woman pretending to be me).
I'm not here to rag on my wife because I know that she has been in incredible pain for the last couple of months because of how much I have hurt her, but this is also new territory for me, too, and it is something that I will ensure I never have to go through again. The problem I am facing right now is that the level of frustration that I am feeling because of how she has been treating me throughout all of this is becoming unbearable.
I know that she is angry and hurt and I know that she is on an emotional roller coaster, but I do not know how to deal with how she she talks to me. She talks to me like I am lower than dirt and finds different ways to tell me that she doesn't care about or believe what I say anymore. She is constantly bombarding me with accusations, putting words in my mouth, twisting the words that come out of my mouth, taking things out of context, and jumping to wild conclusions about everything. I know that she is doing these things because of how much I have hurt her, but I don't know how to handle it.
Sometimes I feel like she would just be better off without me at this point because she is making me feel like I have done too much damage... but I can't bring that up because I'm told that I'm just trying to "save face" or be a "martyr" and get out of the relationship. That is not true at all! I don't want out of the marriage. I do want to be with her. I do love her. I am just feeling like I have gone too far and hurt her too much. I know it isn't my place to decide how much I have hurt her, but she is giving me very little hope that this is something that we will ever be able to recover from.
Any advice is appreciated. If you have more questions, please ask.
Before I talk about what I need advice with, here's some facts / background:
1. My wife and I have been married roughly 3.5 years, we've been together nearly 7. We have a 5-year-old son.
2. I did not have any physical sexual contact (not even kissing) with this woman but there were some inappropriate messages exchanged (sexual talk, no pictures). I am just stating a fact, I am not trying to make it seem like things aren't as bad because we didn't sleep together.
3. The other woman and I both used the "L" word (love) a couple of times but I was -- and I am not -- in love with her.
4. I have cut off all contact with this other woman -- I even quit my job since she worked for the same company. I have zero desire to talk to her or see her again. Thinking about her makes me physically ill at this point because of what I've done and how much I have hurt my wife. I did at one point lie to my wife about cutting it off but she caught me in the lie one night when she took my phone while I was asleep and found messages. At that point was when I quit my job and cut off all communication.
I have to be honest, I didn't want to quit my job. I'd been working there for five years, worked my way up into a management position, and my wife and I were only a step above living check to check and we had no savings. When I brought that up, though, she told me that it meant that cared more about that stuff than her feelings, so I didn't have a choice. I quit my job.
The messages she found were pretty bad. She saw the "L" word being used, she saw sexual talk, and she also saw myself and the other woman mocking some of the things my wife had been doing since she found out (e.g. texting the other woman pretending to be me).
I'm not here to rag on my wife because I know that she has been in incredible pain for the last couple of months because of how much I have hurt her, but this is also new territory for me, too, and it is something that I will ensure I never have to go through again. The problem I am facing right now is that the level of frustration that I am feeling because of how she has been treating me throughout all of this is becoming unbearable.
I know that she is angry and hurt and I know that she is on an emotional roller coaster, but I do not know how to deal with how she she talks to me. She talks to me like I am lower than dirt and finds different ways to tell me that she doesn't care about or believe what I say anymore. She is constantly bombarding me with accusations, putting words in my mouth, twisting the words that come out of my mouth, taking things out of context, and jumping to wild conclusions about everything. I know that she is doing these things because of how much I have hurt her, but I don't know how to handle it.
Sometimes I feel like she would just be better off without me at this point because she is making me feel like I have done too much damage... but I can't bring that up because I'm told that I'm just trying to "save face" or be a "martyr" and get out of the relationship. That is not true at all! I don't want out of the marriage. I do want to be with her. I do love her. I am just feeling like I have gone too far and hurt her too much. I know it isn't my place to decide how much I have hurt her, but she is giving me very little hope that this is something that we will ever be able to recover from.
Any advice is appreciated. If you have more questions, please ask.
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