I am kind of in a low right now and been doing some thinking. Now no matter what you guys answer to this, I'm not going anywhere. Three young kids and me myself being a child of divorce, there is no way I would put my children through that, ever. So go ahead and be honest in your answers.
I love my wife, and I think she loves me, at least SHE is convinced she does.
Our everyday routine is however something like this, out of any given week, there will be fighting or she will be upset or disappointed wtih me maybe 3-4 days. The other days I would say we are fine, I really enjoy life, except for one tough trial of not really having a sexlife.
She rarely if ever asks my forgiveness when we had a falling out. I always do. And I think sometimes she takes it as me surrendering "ok, I was at fault". Even though I have explained to her that is not the case. I ask her forgiveness for my behaviour, and for being wrong about any number of things. That doesn't mean she shouldn't apologize for HER bad behaviour, things she said, did and assumed on her part. Never happens though. Don't know if she just can't bring herself to doing it or if she really feels that "it was all my fault, as always".
We're about 30 and have three kids, the oldest being 5. So we have been working hard with the kids the last years, which naturally takes its toll. We don't really have a sitter nearby so we rarely have the opportunity to go on dates, that of course also affects us, although we both enjoy calm cosy movie-nights at home.
I am employed part time making good money, providing well for the whole family in a small house in a good neighborhood. I also struggle to build a business for a bit more than 50% of a full-time. She doesn't like how much I work, but it does allow her to stay home full time with the kids and she does approve of my working hours, seeing it is for a limited time (if it doesn't tun out well, we agreed I let go of the business).
Here is only my version, and you're not going to get hers, but I will be as objective as I can under the circumstances...
The main problems I experience in our relationship are these:
I can't talk to her about what bothers me in our relationsship, she always gets defensive and upset, and it just never works out. I tried for a couple of years to bring up issues, but aside from the fact that she has no interest in working on it or understanding it (only to defend her behaviour) she gets very upset about it. So calmest for me is to keep silent. And I am good at letting things go without a debate (grew up with a stepfather who wan't a bad person but we just didn't get along on a daily basis, good training for humility in a marriage...).
She holds a grudge for a long time. If something happens, I can be in the trash bin for a vouple of days, until she feels like letting go, or until she for some reason needs me to comfort her because of something else that happened.
So it feels as though I never quite reach up to her standard, and if I from time to time do, it only lasts a couple of hours until I make the next little mistake, that of course just erases all the good things I managed to do and I am back in the trash can, figuratively speaking.
She will only approach me in a physical intimate-like way mid-day when kids are all around, when there is no "risk" of it leading to anything serious.
Our sexlife is a sad story from the very beginning, I was never able to satisfy her (and she has never touched herself either, believing it is a great sin). She never lets my hands around her genitals, she feels discomfort. We married young and I never had another partner, so I really don't know how to satisfy her if I was given the chance either. I thought it a good idéa we learn together, or she finds out what she likes then teaches me... but a big no on that one.
We did have sex in the beginning though, without any physical satisfaction to her, and no emotional satisfaction to me (it being a one-sidede joy). After our first little sweetheart came along sex was reduced to about once every other month, on average. And still as bad as in the beginning (that is, great physically, for ME, and nothing in it really for her...).
I don't believe she now has, or ever in the past has been passionate about me. At least if I compare how I feel and behave when aroused, I have seen nothing like it in her, she never "wants" me, physically.
Here is maybe where my biggest question to you guys is, I don't have friends that I am comfortable talking about these things with, and she has forbidden me to speak to anyone about our sexlife anyways (fair request from a spouse I believe, and I have obeyed, with the exception of anonymously at TAM, which she knows nothing about).
What is a "normal" women't behaviour or level of physical attraction/expression of passion?
Because she believes she feels lust for me, but I believe it's just a regular "like" because she never acts on her "lust" as she calls it. Says she thinks I look hot, but that's the end of it.
My problem, then, is that I don't FEEL loved. And it breaks my heart not to be WANTED by the only woman in the world I plan on ever having a sexual relation with, ergo I, as it seems, will never know what it is like to be physically wanted. Or appreciated.
Moreover, kisses and other forms of intimacy basically ended when we had kids, it seems as though she is fully satisfied on the "cuddle/intimacy" level by cuddling with the baby alone. I feel left out in the cold. We hug, and kiss, occasionally, but more like a mechanic thing.
I usually approach her by massaging her, like a back rub fro 30-60 minutes, like in the morning or at night (which she loves), but often get nothing in return. Now, every time I don't expect to, but I would conisder it fair to have a massage (of some sort) back more than half the time. If I am terribly wrong just tell me here, I want to know what other people's lives are like.
Since rejection is hard (for most men I guess?) I stepped down my attempts, and I don't ever ask for sex anymore (it happened once the last half year, I guess it could happen about once a month if I would beg, but then only under sigh:ing and very little committment). So That's not much of a point I think. I do however try to cuddle up against her, or have her lay on me (or some other form of clothes-still-on type of "sex"). But even that has started to be rejected once in a while lately.
She basically thinks that since I'm not "up to standard" (meaning up to her expectations) in all areas of our daily life (and believe me you couldn't keep at the top of your game with her expectations either) there is no physical reward. I have however learned or concluded that no matter what my level om attempt is, I will never be up to standard. So why break my back trying when it only leads to a broken heart...
Some of you guys probably say "just go in the shower and release yourself, what's the big deal" well, tried that, and while it gives a (very) little moment of pleasure there, the empty space in my heart is still there, not feeling wanted, not having that satisfying sexual relation with my woman....
I don't believe "love died" or "falling out of love", I believe a relationship is something you can and must work on, I just seem to lack the tools for it, for communicating... or making her interested in communicating about the concerns I experience... and I wonder if she really has the interest to work on it, I am pretty sure she is satisfied with life as it is.
I love my wife, and I think she loves me, at least SHE is convinced she does.
Our everyday routine is however something like this, out of any given week, there will be fighting or she will be upset or disappointed wtih me maybe 3-4 days. The other days I would say we are fine, I really enjoy life, except for one tough trial of not really having a sexlife.
She rarely if ever asks my forgiveness when we had a falling out. I always do. And I think sometimes she takes it as me surrendering "ok, I was at fault". Even though I have explained to her that is not the case. I ask her forgiveness for my behaviour, and for being wrong about any number of things. That doesn't mean she shouldn't apologize for HER bad behaviour, things she said, did and assumed on her part. Never happens though. Don't know if she just can't bring herself to doing it or if she really feels that "it was all my fault, as always".
We're about 30 and have three kids, the oldest being 5. So we have been working hard with the kids the last years, which naturally takes its toll. We don't really have a sitter nearby so we rarely have the opportunity to go on dates, that of course also affects us, although we both enjoy calm cosy movie-nights at home.
I am employed part time making good money, providing well for the whole family in a small house in a good neighborhood. I also struggle to build a business for a bit more than 50% of a full-time. She doesn't like how much I work, but it does allow her to stay home full time with the kids and she does approve of my working hours, seeing it is for a limited time (if it doesn't tun out well, we agreed I let go of the business).
Here is only my version, and you're not going to get hers, but I will be as objective as I can under the circumstances...
The main problems I experience in our relationship are these:
I can't talk to her about what bothers me in our relationsship, she always gets defensive and upset, and it just never works out. I tried for a couple of years to bring up issues, but aside from the fact that she has no interest in working on it or understanding it (only to defend her behaviour) she gets very upset about it. So calmest for me is to keep silent. And I am good at letting things go without a debate (grew up with a stepfather who wan't a bad person but we just didn't get along on a daily basis, good training for humility in a marriage...).
She holds a grudge for a long time. If something happens, I can be in the trash bin for a vouple of days, until she feels like letting go, or until she for some reason needs me to comfort her because of something else that happened.
So it feels as though I never quite reach up to her standard, and if I from time to time do, it only lasts a couple of hours until I make the next little mistake, that of course just erases all the good things I managed to do and I am back in the trash can, figuratively speaking.
She will only approach me in a physical intimate-like way mid-day when kids are all around, when there is no "risk" of it leading to anything serious.
Our sexlife is a sad story from the very beginning, I was never able to satisfy her (and she has never touched herself either, believing it is a great sin). She never lets my hands around her genitals, she feels discomfort. We married young and I never had another partner, so I really don't know how to satisfy her if I was given the chance either. I thought it a good idéa we learn together, or she finds out what she likes then teaches me... but a big no on that one.
We did have sex in the beginning though, without any physical satisfaction to her, and no emotional satisfaction to me (it being a one-sidede joy). After our first little sweetheart came along sex was reduced to about once every other month, on average. And still as bad as in the beginning (that is, great physically, for ME, and nothing in it really for her...).
I don't believe she now has, or ever in the past has been passionate about me. At least if I compare how I feel and behave when aroused, I have seen nothing like it in her, she never "wants" me, physically.
Here is maybe where my biggest question to you guys is, I don't have friends that I am comfortable talking about these things with, and she has forbidden me to speak to anyone about our sexlife anyways (fair request from a spouse I believe, and I have obeyed, with the exception of anonymously at TAM, which she knows nothing about).
What is a "normal" women't behaviour or level of physical attraction/expression of passion?
Because she believes she feels lust for me, but I believe it's just a regular "like" because she never acts on her "lust" as she calls it. Says she thinks I look hot, but that's the end of it.
My problem, then, is that I don't FEEL loved. And it breaks my heart not to be WANTED by the only woman in the world I plan on ever having a sexual relation with, ergo I, as it seems, will never know what it is like to be physically wanted. Or appreciated.
Moreover, kisses and other forms of intimacy basically ended when we had kids, it seems as though she is fully satisfied on the "cuddle/intimacy" level by cuddling with the baby alone. I feel left out in the cold. We hug, and kiss, occasionally, but more like a mechanic thing.
I usually approach her by massaging her, like a back rub fro 30-60 minutes, like in the morning or at night (which she loves), but often get nothing in return. Now, every time I don't expect to, but I would conisder it fair to have a massage (of some sort) back more than half the time. If I am terribly wrong just tell me here, I want to know what other people's lives are like.
Since rejection is hard (for most men I guess?) I stepped down my attempts, and I don't ever ask for sex anymore (it happened once the last half year, I guess it could happen about once a month if I would beg, but then only under sigh:ing and very little committment). So That's not much of a point I think. I do however try to cuddle up against her, or have her lay on me (or some other form of clothes-still-on type of "sex"). But even that has started to be rejected once in a while lately.
She basically thinks that since I'm not "up to standard" (meaning up to her expectations) in all areas of our daily life (and believe me you couldn't keep at the top of your game with her expectations either) there is no physical reward. I have however learned or concluded that no matter what my level om attempt is, I will never be up to standard. So why break my back trying when it only leads to a broken heart...
Some of you guys probably say "just go in the shower and release yourself, what's the big deal" well, tried that, and while it gives a (very) little moment of pleasure there, the empty space in my heart is still there, not feeling wanted, not having that satisfying sexual relation with my woman....
I don't believe "love died" or "falling out of love", I believe a relationship is something you can and must work on, I just seem to lack the tools for it, for communicating... or making her interested in communicating about the concerns I experience... and I wonder if she really has the interest to work on it, I am pretty sure she is satisfied with life as it is.
Put the internet to work for you.
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