Hi all,
I was posting a lot here many months ago, some of you may remember me, maybe not. Uptown was key in offering advice as well as helping me understand what BPD was, and how to find help in dealing with it.
Over spring/summer, the fighting became worse and worse, mostly because I was fraying mentally and losing my ability to tolerate the BPD traits. I bought both the books- stop walking on eggshells and splitting. While they were helpful, they were succeeding only in convincing me to leave her. In a rather bitter argument, I bordered on saying the worst possible thing you can say to a BPD, that they have BPD.. and at the last possible moment, I changed my words and just told her that she needs to see her psych and have her meds adjusted. She of course blew up about it, but later that month, she did exactly that.
To my amazement, her psy changed up her meds a bit and added a new one. And as it turns out, it's the best thing that ever happened to us. She totally leveled out- things that I would have been terrified to approach her about, like last minute changes in plans, or hurdles that popped up in almost any part of life, she took like a "normal" person would.. accepted things for what they are and made the best of things. She's even discovered that sometimes, things can even turn out better when you improvise and sometimes the unexpected can end up being great.
All that being said-
Now I'm the problem, I think.
Through years of anger and frustrations, my fuse got short with her. So short, that one day last week, she displayed a BPD trait over what was simply a miscommunication, and when I did my classic back-up and "fix it" move, she pulled a classic stance of refusing to participate, basically forcing me to be the bad guy, and I hate that. Once I realized she was not going to budge, I blew up, slammed a door so hard I broke it, and fumed for about an hour. I don't even know where that came from, but that's how much I hate the "old her". I calmed down and I guess she was leveled out enough to let the issue go.
So now I wonder- she's getting better and moving past her issues, and now here I am, all PTSD or something .. Can I ever get past the "old" her? I still walk on eggshells, although I'm slowly learning to treat her more like a normal person. Before, it was really bad.. I had to be careful about every word that came out of my mouth, and I hid a lot of "bad news" from her, because the fallout was never worth it. She's definitely mroe tolerable to it now, but I still cringe at times, expecting her former horror to return. I'm also worried about if/when the meds stop being effective, which seems to be a problem with these types of medications.
So yeah, things are much better, no doubt. Still worried though. Still think about running away from time to time, but it's really just day-dreaming.
I was posting a lot here many months ago, some of you may remember me, maybe not. Uptown was key in offering advice as well as helping me understand what BPD was, and how to find help in dealing with it.
Over spring/summer, the fighting became worse and worse, mostly because I was fraying mentally and losing my ability to tolerate the BPD traits. I bought both the books- stop walking on eggshells and splitting. While they were helpful, they were succeeding only in convincing me to leave her. In a rather bitter argument, I bordered on saying the worst possible thing you can say to a BPD, that they have BPD.. and at the last possible moment, I changed my words and just told her that she needs to see her psych and have her meds adjusted. She of course blew up about it, but later that month, she did exactly that.
To my amazement, her psy changed up her meds a bit and added a new one. And as it turns out, it's the best thing that ever happened to us. She totally leveled out- things that I would have been terrified to approach her about, like last minute changes in plans, or hurdles that popped up in almost any part of life, she took like a "normal" person would.. accepted things for what they are and made the best of things. She's even discovered that sometimes, things can even turn out better when you improvise and sometimes the unexpected can end up being great.
All that being said-
Now I'm the problem, I think.
Through years of anger and frustrations, my fuse got short with her. So short, that one day last week, she displayed a BPD trait over what was simply a miscommunication, and when I did my classic back-up and "fix it" move, she pulled a classic stance of refusing to participate, basically forcing me to be the bad guy, and I hate that. Once I realized she was not going to budge, I blew up, slammed a door so hard I broke it, and fumed for about an hour. I don't even know where that came from, but that's how much I hate the "old her". I calmed down and I guess she was leveled out enough to let the issue go.
So now I wonder- she's getting better and moving past her issues, and now here I am, all PTSD or something .. Can I ever get past the "old" her? I still walk on eggshells, although I'm slowly learning to treat her more like a normal person. Before, it was really bad.. I had to be careful about every word that came out of my mouth, and I hid a lot of "bad news" from her, because the fallout was never worth it. She's definitely mroe tolerable to it now, but I still cringe at times, expecting her former horror to return. I'm also worried about if/when the meds stop being effective, which seems to be a problem with these types of medications.
So yeah, things are much better, no doubt. Still worried though. Still think about running away from time to time, but it's really just day-dreaming.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment