So I think I might have put something together. I think my husband might be a high functioning asperger's and I was hoping those who are familiar could read some of the things I have found odd about his behavior and see if this sounds like it matches to you.
*First time we met after speaking on phone and writing letters for 3 months he acted like it was a business like meeting, more like I was a man he was meeting, very disconnected and matter-of-fact.
*First time I spend time with him in his house he sits down to do crossword puzzles and I am left to my own thing.
*Emotionally unavailable
*Doesn't seem to understand what it takes to keep a friend or relationship, is very disconnected and has never been close to anyone but cannot see it himself. He considers having a beer with someone as a friend.
*Does not engage in helping with children....discipline, talking, understanding, complete disconnection. He can drive them to and from a place and that he feels is contributing.
*Has to make a point, normally programmed into a reminder on the cell or computer, to remind himself to call his dad or send a eCard for anyone's birthday.
*Has LOTS of tics.....picks up habits from other people and incorporates these habits into his life.....scratches his chest for no reason, washes his hands very briskly and noisily, picks his nose while sitting at the computer, has a compulsion to continually blow his nose (says he has sensitive sinuses), constantly fidgeting (he is 53), twirls his thumbs, pumps his fingers in like a finger exercise, sits on the toilet with a book or game for 40 minutes at a time....don't even want to touch the Tablet as it probably has all kinds of fecal matter on it!
*Obsessed with finances
*No intimacy....first time I held his hand he dropped it, told me that he could not kiss in public because of military rules and then later found out that he can, just not in uniform
*In our 24 years together he maybe has initiated sex a dozen times, says he is not comfortable with intimacy and that he has never been a pursuer
*Relationship from the beginning was very one-sided, my ideas and me going to him
*Cannot see when things need to be done. Didn't even mow the grass for the first 15 years of our marriage cause "he didn't see it needed it," to the extent that the carpets in his brand new house were almost ruined when I met him....lives like a pig. Only thing that he can/will do is those things taught to him in the military and despite the numerous years he has been out of Basic training still insists his underwear have to be folded just so.
*Routine, very regimented
*Never asks me to join him in anything, never has original ideas on what to do or where to go, will not involve himself in plans for vacation. Never tells me about anything he reads or hears, stuff at work.
*If you ask an opinion you will not get an opinion
*Does not offer advise or contribute conversation, does not initiate conversation
*He has certain interests and does not sway from these interests or try anything new. He has no real hobbies but very much into his own interests. In fact, it his own interests that consume his time. He has no time for anything or anyone else.
We have been to counseling numerous times, I am currently in counseling. He and I both were married before. My first husband was the type who always wanted to go here and do this, his ideas. He was very touchy and would give me hugs for no reason and tell me he loved me. He talked and did involve himself when it came to issues with the kids so I do know what it is like to be touched and cared for.
My friends whose husbands have also been military previously do not have the same issues that I am dealing with......their husbands do interact with their children, they do talk about their children, they do engage in conversation, they do have ideas they want to do and involve their wives, and they do help their wives out with tasks around the house.
Our counselors have felt husband was disconnected due to something in his childhood that taught him to be disconnected as connection was unsafe. His porn addiction they felt came from a desire for women but lacked the ability to initiate a relationship or even a conversation to start a relationship, a serious fear of rejection. Counselor wanted to explore the possibilities that husband had been sexual abused which does run on his side of the family but as soon as counselor mentioned this husband stopped seeing counselor.
I am at my wit's end. I feel very alone. I do work and I have created a life for myself but I think we all need some sort of engaging....conversation and touch and that has been lacking in this relationship.
*First time we met after speaking on phone and writing letters for 3 months he acted like it was a business like meeting, more like I was a man he was meeting, very disconnected and matter-of-fact.
*First time I spend time with him in his house he sits down to do crossword puzzles and I am left to my own thing.
*Emotionally unavailable
*Doesn't seem to understand what it takes to keep a friend or relationship, is very disconnected and has never been close to anyone but cannot see it himself. He considers having a beer with someone as a friend.
*Does not engage in helping with children....discipline, talking, understanding, complete disconnection. He can drive them to and from a place and that he feels is contributing.
*Has to make a point, normally programmed into a reminder on the cell or computer, to remind himself to call his dad or send a eCard for anyone's birthday.
*Has LOTS of tics.....picks up habits from other people and incorporates these habits into his life.....scratches his chest for no reason, washes his hands very briskly and noisily, picks his nose while sitting at the computer, has a compulsion to continually blow his nose (says he has sensitive sinuses), constantly fidgeting (he is 53), twirls his thumbs, pumps his fingers in like a finger exercise, sits on the toilet with a book or game for 40 minutes at a time....don't even want to touch the Tablet as it probably has all kinds of fecal matter on it!
*Obsessed with finances
*No intimacy....first time I held his hand he dropped it, told me that he could not kiss in public because of military rules and then later found out that he can, just not in uniform
*In our 24 years together he maybe has initiated sex a dozen times, says he is not comfortable with intimacy and that he has never been a pursuer
*Relationship from the beginning was very one-sided, my ideas and me going to him
*Cannot see when things need to be done. Didn't even mow the grass for the first 15 years of our marriage cause "he didn't see it needed it," to the extent that the carpets in his brand new house were almost ruined when I met him....lives like a pig. Only thing that he can/will do is those things taught to him in the military and despite the numerous years he has been out of Basic training still insists his underwear have to be folded just so.
*Routine, very regimented
*Never asks me to join him in anything, never has original ideas on what to do or where to go, will not involve himself in plans for vacation. Never tells me about anything he reads or hears, stuff at work.
*If you ask an opinion you will not get an opinion
*Does not offer advise or contribute conversation, does not initiate conversation
*He has certain interests and does not sway from these interests or try anything new. He has no real hobbies but very much into his own interests. In fact, it his own interests that consume his time. He has no time for anything or anyone else.
We have been to counseling numerous times, I am currently in counseling. He and I both were married before. My first husband was the type who always wanted to go here and do this, his ideas. He was very touchy and would give me hugs for no reason and tell me he loved me. He talked and did involve himself when it came to issues with the kids so I do know what it is like to be touched and cared for.
My friends whose husbands have also been military previously do not have the same issues that I am dealing with......their husbands do interact with their children, they do talk about their children, they do engage in conversation, they do have ideas they want to do and involve their wives, and they do help their wives out with tasks around the house.
Our counselors have felt husband was disconnected due to something in his childhood that taught him to be disconnected as connection was unsafe. His porn addiction they felt came from a desire for women but lacked the ability to initiate a relationship or even a conversation to start a relationship, a serious fear of rejection. Counselor wanted to explore the possibilities that husband had been sexual abused which does run on his side of the family but as soon as counselor mentioned this husband stopped seeing counselor.
I am at my wit's end. I feel very alone. I do work and I have created a life for myself but I think we all need some sort of engaging....conversation and touch and that has been lacking in this relationship.
Put the internet to work for you.
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