Okay, so I am pretty young, while my H is older. Our relationship is more of a gf/bf thing (we don't even live together anymore). My bf/H did lots of ****ty things to me, all during a week that he told me to leave. I forgave the way he treated me then, because he was in a psychosis. During the one week I was away he searched for prostitutes (claims to not have gone, thought one prostitute's address was in his GPS), got a lap dance, called a girl he used to like, and attempted to sell our wedding ring (I am guessing for a prostitute). The calling a girl thing seems petty, but that whole week I was dying inside and needed him so badly. It hurts to know he reached out to a girl I thought he was long over.
Anyway, what I am having a more difficult time accepting is that a month into our marriage he went to an asian massage parlor, which he frequented before our marriage. I am a very sexual person, and he actually has ED. At the time he was taking Cialis and an OTC supplement. He was horny A LOT. I am talking about waking me up 5x in a night. And though I am very sexual, I did see it as a bit animalistic and a turn-off, tbh. But I still accepted it cus I loved him and loved being sexual with him.
Anyway, I was finally coming to terms with the **** he put me through, trying to mend us and have a clean slate when he tells me that he went to the massage parlor. He was on his was back from an interview, had a super strong erection and, in his words, "just wanted to get off and do something WRONG and dirty." Emphasis on wrong. I mean, I can never be wrong. I am his wife. I am as right as it can be. So I am having huge trust issues. He says he never would hurt me again and the whole time it felt wrong (this time it had a negative connotation--but it WAS the allure to him--the wrongness of it. very complicated). I at first was having more superficial self-esteem issues--am I not attractive to him? When I decided that wasn't it (at least not the primary motivator) I became so disgusted that he would outright betray me. He didn't tell me for 3 months and thus he lied to me for 3 months. Also, he knew it could ruin us, yet he did us--why was something like that worth the risk? Did he value us less--I can only guess he had little intention of ever telling me, but after he had done it his conscience was too heavy with it.
I should also add that in a bit of spite but also because I was bored by our sex life recently, I sex chatted and had cybersex. I enjoyed them briefly, but like any cheap thrill, felt quite disgusted with myself. I told him what I did the next morning, while we were driving and he swerved like a maniac, telling me that we might not have a chance. I just couldn't believe that he would say that after everything I have forgiven him for. And he has banned me from clubs and bars (he always had a problem with them, but now it is worse). He is very controlling and I think I am much more trustworthy, so it is unfair. His actions were because that is what he wanted; mine were out of spite (mainly). I do not know which are uglier. Guess it is all the same.
How can I trust this person? How can I not feel disgusting? He tells me he wants to treat me like a princess, yet all I am feeling like is a low-life. That's really how he makes me feel, with this incident, anyway.
Anyway, what I am having a more difficult time accepting is that a month into our marriage he went to an asian massage parlor, which he frequented before our marriage. I am a very sexual person, and he actually has ED. At the time he was taking Cialis and an OTC supplement. He was horny A LOT. I am talking about waking me up 5x in a night. And though I am very sexual, I did see it as a bit animalistic and a turn-off, tbh. But I still accepted it cus I loved him and loved being sexual with him.
Anyway, I was finally coming to terms with the **** he put me through, trying to mend us and have a clean slate when he tells me that he went to the massage parlor. He was on his was back from an interview, had a super strong erection and, in his words, "just wanted to get off and do something WRONG and dirty." Emphasis on wrong. I mean, I can never be wrong. I am his wife. I am as right as it can be. So I am having huge trust issues. He says he never would hurt me again and the whole time it felt wrong (this time it had a negative connotation--but it WAS the allure to him--the wrongness of it. very complicated). I at first was having more superficial self-esteem issues--am I not attractive to him? When I decided that wasn't it (at least not the primary motivator) I became so disgusted that he would outright betray me. He didn't tell me for 3 months and thus he lied to me for 3 months. Also, he knew it could ruin us, yet he did us--why was something like that worth the risk? Did he value us less--I can only guess he had little intention of ever telling me, but after he had done it his conscience was too heavy with it.
I should also add that in a bit of spite but also because I was bored by our sex life recently, I sex chatted and had cybersex. I enjoyed them briefly, but like any cheap thrill, felt quite disgusted with myself. I told him what I did the next morning, while we were driving and he swerved like a maniac, telling me that we might not have a chance. I just couldn't believe that he would say that after everything I have forgiven him for. And he has banned me from clubs and bars (he always had a problem with them, but now it is worse). He is very controlling and I think I am much more trustworthy, so it is unfair. His actions were because that is what he wanted; mine were out of spite (mainly). I do not know which are uglier. Guess it is all the same.
How can I trust this person? How can I not feel disgusting? He tells me he wants to treat me like a princess, yet all I am feeling like is a low-life. That's really how he makes me feel, with this incident, anyway.
Put the internet to work for you.
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