Managing Our Emotional Monsters: Why Control Doesn’t Work

Managing Our Emotional Monsters: Why Control Doesn't Work From the article: As much as we'd like to, we can't completely control our feelings. And we probably shouldn't: there are tons of studies that show that the more we try to not think about a thought or a feeling, the bigger it will become. What to do, then, when you're going through a rough time emotionally? If you can stand another metaphor, I want to talk to you about some passengers on a bus. Imagine that you're the driver of a bus. You're alone on the bus except for some very unruly passengers. They're mean and aggressive and ferocious looking. As a matter of fact, these passengers are monsters. You want to drive the bus in a meaningful direction – to pick up other passengers who actually need a ride, to go back to the bus barn and pursue your off-duty life, or just to see new, exciting things you've never seen before. But each time you turn the bus toward one of those directions, the monsters roar and growl and come charging at you. They surround you with their sharp claws and nasty teeth and bellow, "You have to go where we tell you to go! Turn around and drive the route you were on before or we'll slash you with our sharp claws and bite you with our nasty teeth!" Shaken, you turn the bus around. Anything to get these monsters away from you. Seeing that you're obeying them, the monsters go back to their seats. But every time you try to change your route, they rise up and threaten you again. But there's something very important you need to know about these monsters. They can't really hurt you. Although they look and sound ferocious (and don't smell great, either,) they are not able to touch you. All they can do is roar and howl and threaten. Once you discover this, you muster your courage and change your route to where you want to go. On cue, the monsters rush you, waving their arms with their sharp claws and gnashing their nasty teeth. But this time, you notice that they are not touching you. They're still scary, but they're actually harmless. The monsters retreat to their seats, frustrated at not being able to intimidate you. You're now free to go where you want. In fact, you've always been free, you just didn't know it because you were too busy trying to stay on the route the monsters had you on. The monsters are the 'ugly' emotions we try so hard to avoid and control. They scare us because they don't feel good and they're threatening. And yet, they can't really hurt us. We can still live our lives and move in the direction we want even with the presence of painful emotions. Notice that in our bus metaphor, the monsters never really disappear, do they? They're still there, but now you are able to drive in the direction you want to go. The next time you feel driven by your painful feelings, pull over for a minute. Remember that your feelings, although ugly and scary, can't really hurt you. Take a breath, allow those feelings to just be within you, and keep living the life you want to live. I think those monsters just might end up enjoying the ride after all.

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