| Considering divorce, but unsure it would be the right decision. I'll try to keep it short and sweet, but would like to hear other's opinions on how to proceed. Long story short, we've been married 20 years now, no children. We got married in Vegas on a whim, since we had been living together for almost 2 years by then. He never proposed to me, never gave me an engagement ring, we never had a wedding. Which I was 'sort' of was ok with, since I'm not a materialistic person anyway. So I let it slide for many years, until I started to realize he's just lazy and never wanted to go through the trouble. He expected me to do everything, and still does. I have a full time job plus work as a realtor on weekends; I run the household, take care of all the finances, take care of the cars maintenance, do all the cooking/ cleaning/yard work. He basically just goes to work, watches TV and golfs. If a light bulb goes out, I'm the one who runs to Home Depot to get it replaced. About 2 years ago I discovered he was having an emotional affair with one of his staff members (server at restaurant he managed). He swears up and down they were just friends and she "needed" him since she was going through a tough time in her personal life. He never considered it cheating because it never got physical (which I believe him) since the past 5 years or so, we had been in a sexless marriage. He has a much lower sex drive than I do, and he always seemed uninterested when I initiated it, so I stopped trying. He never wanted to discuss it. He's kind of a prude when it comes to sex, doesn't want to discuss it and is conservative in that aspect. I've asked him to please go to a doctor and get tested for low testosterone and have his prostate checked, but he always seems to put it off and never goes. We had long talks/emails about our problems – I suggested marriage counseling but he refused and said he wanted to work on his problems himself. By no means am I perfect; I tend to be strong willed, opinionated and always want my way. I don't feel comfortable talking to strangers about our problems but was willing to do it to try to salvage our marriage. I've made the changes that we talked about, but after a year he was "still working on his issues on his own." We even started having sex again (infrequently and when it did happen, he always had trouble finishing). He always tells me he loves me, his life would be nothing without me, etc, etc. I always tell him 'actions speak louder than words" especially since he has a history of lying and being dishonest. A few years ago we got audited to the IRS due to his lying/cheating on our taxes. I was furious! All along I had been warning him not to take those deductions but he refused to heed my advice and thought he could get away with it. So about 8 months ago I decided we should have a trial separation and took a job transfer to Honolulu. I asked him if he was willing to come with me, but he was reluctant to do so (gave various excuses) but didn't want ME to go either. He consulted with a "psychic" who told him it might strengthen our marriage if we separated for a while. We talked every day and texted each other frequently and everything was going ok. Last month, he had a job interview here in Honolulu with a major hotel and they made him a great offer - $41k MORE than what he's making now, plus relocation. Wow! I was so excited that he would come here and we could start fresh, a new chapter since I did not want to go back to Phoenix. But he decided that no, he wasn't going to accept the job. Various excuses, like "oh, it's going to be a lot of work, dealing with union employees, didn't like the guy who would be his boss, yada, yada, yada." I reminded him that he would be crazy not to take that job, considering all the sacrifices I've made during our marriage and that we'd be together. He insisted that just because he didn't take the job here, didn't mean he didn't love me nor want us to be together – huh? In my mind, that's exactly what it means! So I told him he could stay back in his comfortable little world, where he wouldn't have to make any effort nor changes to improve our relationship, keep living with his head buried in the sand, and that I would be filing for divorce (that word has come up in the past). Of course, he doesn't want divorce – and why would he? He thinks I will come back home to our house in Phoenix and just continue like if nothing ever happened. I'm really just SOOO tired of having the same conversation/ discussions with him and nothing ever changes. And frankly, after he rejected that great job offer, I've lost all respect for him. I'm scared of taking the plunge, tho. I've always been self-sufficent and independent but it's hard to take such a big step and be on my own again after all these years. Any advice? | |||
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