| Dumb question (if there is such a thing): A lot of people talk about 'outing the WS' and creating a tsunami effect so that they have a shock to the system that breaks the fog. It seems that this is only appropriate when the goal for the BS is R. If you are settled on D, then it seems to me this is just being spiteful. Any arguments with this line of thinking? some background on where I am coming from: married 5 years. dating and early years were amazing. clicked in many ways. Then one of my parents got sick, I decided I hated my career and did a career-180. I was in shock when that parent died and pulling the 180 put a lot of stress on the relationship (this was a 2-3 year period). I did my own counseling when the parent got sick and we did couples when things got rocky during the 180. Couples counseling started ~1 year ago. main focus of all sessions was how much of a s**thead i was because I didn't do xy and z. Not avoiding here, but also not sure details are necessary at this point. I felt I made tremendous progress through counseling. Did a lot of behavior change and got my act together from the fallout of parental death and career-180. Counseling ended ~6 months ago. Shortly after that, things spiraled downward. Every week, we have a long (3-4 hr) 'conversation' about how our marriage is ****ty and I don't make her happy and xy and z. Started getting suspicious when I realized that, although I saw a light at the end of counseling and the 'conversations' she did not. Lots of goalposts moving from week to week. Lots of things asked of me, but nothing offered in return. I have to turn in phone records for work. Started to notice a large volume of minutes on her phone line. She calls her sister a lot, no prob. Looked into it more, noticed a substantial number of calls to a strange number (out of state). Dug into it. Long story short, she has been having a EA->PA with an ex from HS. Started ~1 month prior to couples and continues to this day. I have all phone records matched up with my/her whereabouts. Mad calls when I am out of town (like 3 hour calls from 10p-1am). She has made several trips to OMs state. We were in that state recently on two distinct business trips that slightly overlapped, I suggested I stay a few extra days to hang out and see her during the trip. She said no. Excuses. Etc. Have her txts from the entire period. Made/makes me sick to my stomach. They are soul mates reconnecting after years apart. Plotted several hotel visits. Trashed me as a man. etc. All while in couples counseling! Currently in the roller coaster of oscillating between R and D. Really want to have the balls to do D, but its a big decision. When I am in R mode, I make myself read the texts to get back into D mode. Obviously need to talk to a Lawyer asap. Live in a fault state, so w/o talking to lawyer, I think my options are 1) separate, then D or 2) evidence of affair, D now. Need to know if what I have constitutes evidence. If not, what else I need to get. No kids. Not much in the way of assets, but our salaries are disproportionate. My goal would be: you take your stuff and your money and 50% of our joint assets, I do the same. One of us moves out. And we never speak again. I suspect with evidence of cheating, I could do a lot of damage, but I have no interest in prolonging this for a few extra $$ or to cause her pain. I hope that is a possibility, but I have read through most of shamwow, bff and other threads. So I know things can get complicated. On the off-hand that when I confront, my balls shrivel up into my pockets, I want to make sure I am prepared to 'out' her to her parents and siblings and (perhaps) very close friends to ensure NC etc. But doesn't seem that is necessary if I am trying to go the amicable D route. Any thoughts or suggestions or advice or anything else from the more experienced folks here? (read the newbie post and the 180 post -- any other mandatory reads?) | |||
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