| If this was anybody else's situation, I would know what to tell them, but, when you're in it, it's hard so I'm intentionally looking for strong leadership and direction. My GF is 45, married twice. Background is this. Me, never married and no kids, 47. Her, married twice. She grew up without parental direction. Pretty checkered past in comparison to my "normal" healthy loving family dynamic. She started having sex at 15 while dating a senior in HS. Had an abortion. This led to some sexual exploration (giving a guy a BJ at a party her senior year, having sex in the same room with another couple (she stopped it midstream out of feeling uncomfortable). She had sex with married men in college, got pregnant and a child by one, dated a married cop that saved her from a drunk driving arrest, dated (no sex) her college professor, and when she married a Christian guy believing she could find normalcy and learn to love him in marriage, she wound up cheating on her husband with her ex boyfriend that broke her heart for the entire engagement and marriage. She ultimately divorced her husband and had a Notebook "fall in love" relationship with her ultimately second husband. That lasted three years - two years of bliss and then a fallout due to her putting her work and kids first above him. She has a self-centered personality. After her second husband divorced her, (she denies any infidelity on him), she became born again Christian. Really worked it hard too - books and journals everywhere. She admits it was to seek God's reconciliation for her marriage but through it she has a genuine love for Christ because she realizes now her life was a mess. However, her nature comes out quite a bit. When we met, we truly connected. She lied about her past so as to not look like a bad person, and I understand it to a point. One of the lies was that her reconciliation attempt with her ex was in January 2012. In reality, it w as January 2012 beginning and ended only 2 weeks before we met. This guy was definitely the love of her life. I see it, sense it. What can I do??? I also had a Notebook love story that didn't work but it's been 7 years and so I'm past it. Picking up the story to the point, she reached out to her ex twice. Once was two months into the relationship. She said she did it to "make sure" they are through because we started and it's time for him to make sure because she's moving forward. She says that the rejection by him was the motivation and that she honestly says she doesn't think if he responded with a reconcilation attempt she would have gone there. I disagree and of course, the self-esteem feeling from that act makes me feel like "what the hell am I doing with her and acting understanding"....I don't like how I felt and it was an issue that I didn't take or accept well. The second time was after a major fight at the airport. She reached out to him by phone saying that fight was so bad that she thought we were over and she wanted to feel loved so she went back with what was familiar. There has also been some texting going on - mostly about a refinance on the house - but she has promised me she would not text him about it anymore and get the info through other means, but...she still did it. She really seems to struggle with the loss of that marriage, that she was divorced and he does NOT want her back, though, he has sent a drunk text or two and she's shown them to me when they came in. I've looked at her phone bills on her work and home phone and other than the initial lies of reaching out to him, her story seems to add up. I basically feel that this relationship with him is something still in her and she got involved with me without healing from that loss. All that being said, there are some other lies - about stupid things and legitimate things. Stupid....like....she said she was section leader of her clarinet section in HS ban d, and that during her divorce a guy was pursuing her, but instead it was her who was pursuing him to legitimate things like the reach out to her ex and, for example, I texted her because I had to go the ER due to a kidney stone and she didn't respond to the text for 5 hours. She said it was because she was in the OR (she's a PA) and come to find out she lied because she just didn't see the text because she just didn't check her phone until the phone rang from a coworker (she said she didn't hear the little beep). She said she lied because she felt bad that she didn't see the text and I was in the ER alone. I verified everything on her phone record. She has broken nearly EVERY promise to me - literally - so there is an integrity issue. Yet, when these problems arise, she goes and studies the bible, journaling and it's sincere....she's really troubled by it (I read her journal behind her back) and it seems like a person who wants to be a good person. So, she makes the e ffort, but she continues to stumble. But, I have so little trust in her word and so I have separated from her. One of the mantras in her journal is the desire to be loved, needed and wanting desperately to be loved and she says in her journal she doesn't know why she lies to me. The relationship for the most part other than these pillars of relationship is generally good. We enjoy each other, laugh alot, etc.....so.....I'm not sure how to make sense of all this as far as a response. My experience and gut says "love doesn't lie" and "love doesn't cheat". The only time I lied to my girlfriends or cheated (never cheated physically but flirted with others) was when I just wasn't that into them and didn't really value or respect them. So, transferring my experience tells me that's who I am to her and I should really just let this go. We've talked about marriage several times already. So, my head says I must let this go, and another part says play this out, be patient - bu t experience tells me that everything in context about her - I'm going to get hurt because she has lied, cheated (in a sense) with me already, a history of it, and she's just not stable. My heart wants to try and persevere, be patient, work this out with her, go to church with her and just work this relationship and issues and see what happens. But, I'm hurt with every violation of the pillars - trust, honesty. I'm really a simple guy (not a doormat, I'm pretty confrontational and a NY Italian, German and Irish descent), and I think she likes that I call her out because she feels she has to be accountable and I think she interprets that as love and respect that I don't let her get away with BS. But, to you, this forum, I just revealed what's really going on. Would really like good feedback. I love her, want to love her, but I want healthy and I'm not sure this is where I should be or what I should be doing. I'm confused. Thank you so much. |
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