Broken

This is the first time I've written on here but I need a little feed back from others if you will. My husband and I have been married for 6 years, we were dating for about 9 months before we got married, just couldn't wait. I had one son of my own before I got married to my husband from a previous relationship. My husband was an alcoholic, partied a lot, still lived with his parents and smoked a lot of pot. It was hard when we first got together he would talk about my son when he would get drunk how he was the devil and it would break my heart but I always blamed it on the drinking and when the sorry came out I always told myself it wouldn't happen again. You can imagine it wasn't the last time. After we had our first son together in 08 the drinking and smoking continued but my husband also decided at that time he wanted to be a stay at home dad because he has sever social anxiety which is why he enjoyed drinking so much it took that anxiety away it seemed. I worked full time, would do doctors appointments, grocery shopping, and anything extra that needed to be done. He would work on the house projects with our son, be out in the garage or playing guitar. The drinking and smoking continued. Smoking was always an issue with us as I never could justify it to myself why someone would let it control them, and when he didn't have it he would be miserable to be around, and at time would threaten divorce or suicide to get his way. I've had to wrestle the gun away or hide the bullets more times than I can remember. This went on for another year, then a few days before I was due with our second son in 09 he told me he didn't even want anymore kids, and had a huge panic attack thinking about taking care of two kids in diapers so we went to the doctors and talked to them about anxiety and panic attack medications. They started him on klonopin right away. My life got more hectic with now 3 children and a husband that all needed me for doctors appointments, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, school meetings, and whatever else had to be done. I would find myself saying no to doing things that my husband wasn't comfortable doing, and catering to his every need. I would put off my own appointments, cares or needs for my husband and my sons, never doing anything for myself until I decided 2 years ago I was going to do something for myself and had gastric bypass surgery. 2 years have gone by and now my husband is on a new medication and isn't fearful of going out to social events like he used to be which is wonderful, has gone back to work because he was feeling like he was ready to be out of the house again, and also has started doing sound on the weekends for a local band. I couldn't be more proud of him, for sticking with going to the drs and making progress. At the same time this all happened he stopped talking to me, shut me out, if I would tell him I wanted to talk or had something to share about my day he would talk over me, not hear me, be texting on his phone to a friend or tell me he didn't want to hear my *****ing. I started to feel like just the mom, the cook and the cleaner. Someone asked to be my friend on Facebook who looked familiar, was from the town I grew up in, and had many friends in common with me so I said yes. We talked a couple times trying to figure out where we knew one another from or how we met before as the names and faces looked familiar, it seemed almost like a joke every time I would get online we would try to figure it out for a little bit. I told my husband about it and he said the name sounded familiar to him as well but he didn't know how he knew him. As time went by we would talk more online, then the phone and texting. However this talk wasn't inappropriate conversations but I did confide in him what was happening with my relationship as he too had 3 kids and had been divorced, he was always encouraging me to try harder or talk to my husband and tell him how I felt and not to give up that family was first. My husband saw a text of his come in to my phone that asked how I was doing and he instantly started to get upset, accused me of cheating emotionally, and threatened suicide again. I told him I wasn't happy, how I felt and how many times I tried to talk to him about it...he admits we have problems and that he shouldn't have shut me out, and that it was wrong to make threats and that he can change...I'm not sure I believe him. I feel like that last threat was the last straw for me emotionally I can't give to him anymore he's hurt me too much. He on the other hand is harboring on this being my new friends fault, and that he's waiting for us to unravel, and that I'm blind or depressed and not seeing that this guy who I'm no longer talking on the phone with and barely talk to by text anymore wants to be more than a friend and that I'm leading him on by talking to him. He's woken me up to start fights this past week about other guys who we both know say that I'm hot since I've lost 120 lbs, and that if I don't delete my friend and block him than he is done. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong with having someone to talk to but at the same time I feel like he's trying to control me because he's jealous, and that he will say whatever he has to say to get me to do what he wants me to do, as he already admitted that's why he used the suicide thing, but all these actions make me feel like enough is enough...I don't think I'm strong enough to give him anymore of myself. I'm scratching my head and going back and forth...do I stay and keep giving him that benefit to change and lose a friend who's helped me find ways to try harder or do I say I've had enough and just go through the motions of divorce?

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979