Hi, I'm new here and just looking to vent, talk and get others thoughts I suppose. This post will be long, I'm sorry.
Ultimatums?!?!? I think they do nothing but destroy a marriage, what do others think?
Is there really ever a good reason to give one or is there other ways to maturely deal with the issue that will not cause resentment and bad feelings with in the marriage?
Please don't jump on me for my choice but I am a smoker and so is my husband. I am 41 and have smoked since I was 9 and my husband is 42 and he has smoked since he was 14.
We know it's expensive, we know it is not healthy and we one day do hope to finally have that "want" to give it up.
I know this might sound crazy but smoking is the only thing I do to spend money "on myself". I never go to the hairdressers, never buy new clothes/shoes etc, never go out with anyone to spend money, never buy myself anything apart from essentials to survive.
I am a stay at home mum, we have 3 kids but the youngest is nearly 13 so I'm still at home and not working to be here for her needs.
Hubby works full time and always has, the day before our wedding, he stated that "no wife of his will ever work, he can take care of that issue for the family." But recently he has been saying I need to go out to work and then he tells me what my income will get spent on, which is paying for things that right now he pays and I gather this will mean he will want to spend more on his hobby. We have been married since 02, together since 2000 but known each other since I was 14.
Hubby controls all the money and has a spending issue, we have never had any savings and just make do each week.
He smokes just as much as I do plus he spends huge sums every month on his hobbies/himself and this is why I have learned that I can't spend anything on myself otherwise the household (food, medical etc) would not get done.
3 nights ago, we were having a chat which turned into a argument, during this argument he gave me an ultimatum that I (never mentioned himself) must give up smoking NOW or we will not be moving next year to the place we plan on moving to and his reason was because we will not be able to afford it due to drop in income. yes, we will have drop in income but we will also have no debt, no rent, no power bills and the only expense we will have is other daily life stuff (food etc) and insurances. The savings will actually be huge.
At no time did he mention anything of himself giving up or anything about giving up (or at least reducing) the huge amounts of money he spends on his hobby.
To be honest, he is very controlling with the money and I believe it's his way of being able to spend what he wants and being able to try and hide it from me as much as possible as he lies quite often about how much money he has spent.
Yes, he pays the bills but anything left, he spends. He always complains because we don't own our own home but doesn't want to stop spending to be able to save for one.
When he talks about anything to do with money, he will use the words "my money" (as in his money) He never says "our money" or anything like that.
I know it sounds crazy again but my addiction to smoking is not just physical, I know it's very much psychological because when I think about it, I think to myself "geez, it's the only thing I have that I do for me, I don't do anything else or spend money on anything else, so why can't I just have this one thing I enjoy unlike hubby, he has his smokes, plus his work (he chooses to buy himself a lovely lunch everyday V's taking any left overs I can give him) plus his expensive hobby, plus his mates, plus anything else his heart desires.
I have no access to any money, no access to any bank accounts or anything like that, he gives me my "living money" that I am to use for everything in the house apart from bills (food, fuel for vehicles, medical, school, clothing, pet care,etc etc)
Any needs that the kids have, I have to take out of the "living money" that he gives me every fortnight and it is never enough, especially when our youngest requires a lot of medical expenses and out of this money, I also buy OUR smokes.
I feel so much resentment towards him it's not funny as this is not the first time he has given me an ultimatum like this.
What's funny is, when he did it again the other night, he said it all while chain smoking 6 ciggies in a row.
I try very hard to pick my words carefully when we argue and try to defuse things rather that make things worse. I have realised over the last 5 years that he is very controlling and very blaming of everything on me and does not like to take responsibility on himself for things.
For example, when he talks to me, he will say things like "so, what are you doing about our future?" "So what are you doing about making us happier" he never says us/our/we/I.
He is a selfish man and many people say it about him and know it about him.
He is very selfish in the bedroom department and this too has built up a load of resentment in me towards him.
I don't like feeling like this and I hate being in this position!!
I have been told that I am being abused financially and I do agree and to some degree, I also feel I am being abused in the bedroom because no matter how much I say no, he will just do it (I don't mean no to sex, I mean acts during sex that I say no to) I don't say no for the fun of it, the things he "just does" to me are actually painful or cause pain/discomfort etc after the fact and I end up having to be in pain for days later most times, so after a good few years of this happening, I don't enjoy sex anymore, I am actually scared of it which in turn makes me stay clear of him as much as possible and then he gets upset because I avoid him/sex but no matter how much I have talked to him about why I feel this way, he refuses to change his behavior in bed and is simply selfish.
Now that he has again given me this stupid ultimatum, I just don't know if our marriage can survive any longer when I take into account all the other issues as well.
I know I wouldn't feel as bad about this ultimatum stuff if he didn't smoke as well, if he talked about himself giving up as well, if he didn't spend sh*t loads of money on his hobby and if he wasn't so controlling in so many ways. I might just have it in me to "want" to give them up and for the right reasons, not because I am being threatened to.
I don't know how many smokers or ex smokers are on this forum but if you are/were, I think you understand what I am saying when I say that unless a person "wants" to give up, there is no hope in hell that they will succeed and being threatened is not making me/anybody 'want" to give up.
The other issue that is hard for me is, when I finally decided to get married, I said to myself that I would never get divorced, that I'm not getting married to just get divorced and I took/take my vows seriously and do not want to leave.
Yes, hubby would go to therapy but as long as it turned out that the therapist got me to agree to his ways/thoughts/feelings etc.
Every time I say something to him about how he has made me feel, every darn time his response is "that's bullsh*t" So the last 6 months, I don't often tell him how I feel about anything because it's always dismissed.
Thanks for reading my novel:) and allowing me to vent and thanks to anybody who gives me any of your thoughts on this situation.
Ultimatums?!?!? I think they do nothing but destroy a marriage, what do others think?
Is there really ever a good reason to give one or is there other ways to maturely deal with the issue that will not cause resentment and bad feelings with in the marriage?
Please don't jump on me for my choice but I am a smoker and so is my husband. I am 41 and have smoked since I was 9 and my husband is 42 and he has smoked since he was 14.
We know it's expensive, we know it is not healthy and we one day do hope to finally have that "want" to give it up.
I know this might sound crazy but smoking is the only thing I do to spend money "on myself". I never go to the hairdressers, never buy new clothes/shoes etc, never go out with anyone to spend money, never buy myself anything apart from essentials to survive.
I am a stay at home mum, we have 3 kids but the youngest is nearly 13 so I'm still at home and not working to be here for her needs.
Hubby works full time and always has, the day before our wedding, he stated that "no wife of his will ever work, he can take care of that issue for the family." But recently he has been saying I need to go out to work and then he tells me what my income will get spent on, which is paying for things that right now he pays and I gather this will mean he will want to spend more on his hobby. We have been married since 02, together since 2000 but known each other since I was 14.
Hubby controls all the money and has a spending issue, we have never had any savings and just make do each week.
He smokes just as much as I do plus he spends huge sums every month on his hobbies/himself and this is why I have learned that I can't spend anything on myself otherwise the household (food, medical etc) would not get done.
3 nights ago, we were having a chat which turned into a argument, during this argument he gave me an ultimatum that I (never mentioned himself) must give up smoking NOW or we will not be moving next year to the place we plan on moving to and his reason was because we will not be able to afford it due to drop in income. yes, we will have drop in income but we will also have no debt, no rent, no power bills and the only expense we will have is other daily life stuff (food etc) and insurances. The savings will actually be huge.
At no time did he mention anything of himself giving up or anything about giving up (or at least reducing) the huge amounts of money he spends on his hobby.
To be honest, he is very controlling with the money and I believe it's his way of being able to spend what he wants and being able to try and hide it from me as much as possible as he lies quite often about how much money he has spent.
Yes, he pays the bills but anything left, he spends. He always complains because we don't own our own home but doesn't want to stop spending to be able to save for one.
When he talks about anything to do with money, he will use the words "my money" (as in his money) He never says "our money" or anything like that.
I know it sounds crazy again but my addiction to smoking is not just physical, I know it's very much psychological because when I think about it, I think to myself "geez, it's the only thing I have that I do for me, I don't do anything else or spend money on anything else, so why can't I just have this one thing I enjoy unlike hubby, he has his smokes, plus his work (he chooses to buy himself a lovely lunch everyday V's taking any left overs I can give him) plus his expensive hobby, plus his mates, plus anything else his heart desires.
I have no access to any money, no access to any bank accounts or anything like that, he gives me my "living money" that I am to use for everything in the house apart from bills (food, fuel for vehicles, medical, school, clothing, pet care,etc etc)
Any needs that the kids have, I have to take out of the "living money" that he gives me every fortnight and it is never enough, especially when our youngest requires a lot of medical expenses and out of this money, I also buy OUR smokes.
I feel so much resentment towards him it's not funny as this is not the first time he has given me an ultimatum like this.
What's funny is, when he did it again the other night, he said it all while chain smoking 6 ciggies in a row.
I try very hard to pick my words carefully when we argue and try to defuse things rather that make things worse. I have realised over the last 5 years that he is very controlling and very blaming of everything on me and does not like to take responsibility on himself for things.
For example, when he talks to me, he will say things like "so, what are you doing about our future?" "So what are you doing about making us happier" he never says us/our/we/I.
He is a selfish man and many people say it about him and know it about him.
He is very selfish in the bedroom department and this too has built up a load of resentment in me towards him.
I don't like feeling like this and I hate being in this position!!
I have been told that I am being abused financially and I do agree and to some degree, I also feel I am being abused in the bedroom because no matter how much I say no, he will just do it (I don't mean no to sex, I mean acts during sex that I say no to) I don't say no for the fun of it, the things he "just does" to me are actually painful or cause pain/discomfort etc after the fact and I end up having to be in pain for days later most times, so after a good few years of this happening, I don't enjoy sex anymore, I am actually scared of it which in turn makes me stay clear of him as much as possible and then he gets upset because I avoid him/sex but no matter how much I have talked to him about why I feel this way, he refuses to change his behavior in bed and is simply selfish.
Now that he has again given me this stupid ultimatum, I just don't know if our marriage can survive any longer when I take into account all the other issues as well.
I know I wouldn't feel as bad about this ultimatum stuff if he didn't smoke as well, if he talked about himself giving up as well, if he didn't spend sh*t loads of money on his hobby and if he wasn't so controlling in so many ways. I might just have it in me to "want" to give them up and for the right reasons, not because I am being threatened to.
I don't know how many smokers or ex smokers are on this forum but if you are/were, I think you understand what I am saying when I say that unless a person "wants" to give up, there is no hope in hell that they will succeed and being threatened is not making me/anybody 'want" to give up.
The other issue that is hard for me is, when I finally decided to get married, I said to myself that I would never get divorced, that I'm not getting married to just get divorced and I took/take my vows seriously and do not want to leave.
Yes, hubby would go to therapy but as long as it turned out that the therapist got me to agree to his ways/thoughts/feelings etc.
Every time I say something to him about how he has made me feel, every darn time his response is "that's bullsh*t" So the last 6 months, I don't often tell him how I feel about anything because it's always dismissed.
Thanks for reading my novel:) and allowing me to vent and thanks to anybody who gives me any of your thoughts on this situation.
Put the internet to work for you.
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