Fiance and I have been together for 3 years and engaged for about half of that. In the beginning we talked a lot about life decisions, wants, dreams, hopes....the norm.
When we met, moved in together, and got engaged he and I both said we did not know if we wanted children together. I have 2 school age children from a prior marriage and he has none.
Tad bit of background. Fiance spent 15+ years partying, living it up, and being single. No long term or committed relationships at all. He finally decided to settle down and met a woman he fell in love with. Bought the big brick home, the ring, etc. THEY intended on having a baby. One day she up and changed her mind then later down the road just up and left him out of the blue for no valid reason or warning. She told mutual friends etc he was not good to her and treated her bad. Which a good deal of life long friends believed and bailed. So to speak...the first woman he finally decides to establish a life with just completely shattered him. We later found out she was cheating, lying, you name it.
He told me specifically how he resented her while they were still together for changing her mind over the child issue. That she took his chance away....well till she left him.
Less than 6 months later he meets me and I spent 2 years righting every wrong that woman burned in his heart. He accused me and "punished" me time and time again for the pain she caused....while I stood there and just gave more and more love. I saw it as him learning to trust and love again. I loved him until he realized I wasn't a fraud.
We have now overcome all of that.
Last summer....we were still undecided on the baby subject. He then decided....on his own....without asking me, talking to me, or asking my wishes that HE did not want a baby and that we were not going to have a child. He felt he was too old and his time had passed. There is a 12 year age gap in between us...him being older. He is barely into his 40's. I am 30.
I was given no choice, no voice, no option, and no apology. I was told if I wanted another child to find someone new.
I had to choose between him and a child. Prob is I wanted a child with HIM. So leaving would be pointless. I didn't want a baby just to want a baby. I wanted the OPTION...or to at least be heard...to have a child with HIM. To experience all of it etc with HIM. So I stayed with him and a year has gone by.
I'd say I've mostly accepted him and I won't have a child. But when it comes up from people or in train of thought all the pain and anger of not being gave a choice.....not having a voice....comes flooding back. My eyes fill with tears and I want to scream at him that HE did to me what SHE did to him. He didn't give me a say no more than she gave him one.
I understand and respect his points for not wanting one. The thing kills me is A.)He wanted one with her 3-4 years prior. Is 3-4 years REALLY that big of a diff age wise? B.) He didn't even let me decide what I wanted before he made the choice for us. C.) I feel he wanted one with her and not me. D.) That he would opt to our relationship over it even though he claims she was a "river" and I am the "ocean." (If you know that song then props.)
It keeps haunting me. Showing its ugly face when I have to birth control decisions etc. How I overcome this!!???
When we met, moved in together, and got engaged he and I both said we did not know if we wanted children together. I have 2 school age children from a prior marriage and he has none.
Tad bit of background. Fiance spent 15+ years partying, living it up, and being single. No long term or committed relationships at all. He finally decided to settle down and met a woman he fell in love with. Bought the big brick home, the ring, etc. THEY intended on having a baby. One day she up and changed her mind then later down the road just up and left him out of the blue for no valid reason or warning. She told mutual friends etc he was not good to her and treated her bad. Which a good deal of life long friends believed and bailed. So to speak...the first woman he finally decides to establish a life with just completely shattered him. We later found out she was cheating, lying, you name it.
He told me specifically how he resented her while they were still together for changing her mind over the child issue. That she took his chance away....well till she left him.
Less than 6 months later he meets me and I spent 2 years righting every wrong that woman burned in his heart. He accused me and "punished" me time and time again for the pain she caused....while I stood there and just gave more and more love. I saw it as him learning to trust and love again. I loved him until he realized I wasn't a fraud.
We have now overcome all of that.
Last summer....we were still undecided on the baby subject. He then decided....on his own....without asking me, talking to me, or asking my wishes that HE did not want a baby and that we were not going to have a child. He felt he was too old and his time had passed. There is a 12 year age gap in between us...him being older. He is barely into his 40's. I am 30.
I was given no choice, no voice, no option, and no apology. I was told if I wanted another child to find someone new.
I had to choose between him and a child. Prob is I wanted a child with HIM. So leaving would be pointless. I didn't want a baby just to want a baby. I wanted the OPTION...or to at least be heard...to have a child with HIM. To experience all of it etc with HIM. So I stayed with him and a year has gone by.
I'd say I've mostly accepted him and I won't have a child. But when it comes up from people or in train of thought all the pain and anger of not being gave a choice.....not having a voice....comes flooding back. My eyes fill with tears and I want to scream at him that HE did to me what SHE did to him. He didn't give me a say no more than she gave him one.
I understand and respect his points for not wanting one. The thing kills me is A.)He wanted one with her 3-4 years prior. Is 3-4 years REALLY that big of a diff age wise? B.) He didn't even let me decide what I wanted before he made the choice for us. C.) I feel he wanted one with her and not me. D.) That he would opt to our relationship over it even though he claims she was a "river" and I am the "ocean." (If you know that song then props.)
It keeps haunting me. Showing its ugly face when I have to birth control decisions etc. How I overcome this!!???
Put the internet to work for you.
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