Having read several posts, threads, articles etc. the past few months and finding out and realizing my wife of 9 years is experiencing an MLC, I thought I would share the following info in case it helps anyone else.
% of Population that experiences it: 15%
Age Ranges: Women - 35-50, Men - 40-60 (but can happen earlier or later in some cases)
Duration: Women - 2-3yrs, Men - 2-10yrs (early stage ie. the worst part - 6 weeks-2yrs with some cases being forever yikes)
Triggers: Most common for women = health issue (my wife developed Fybromialgia in the last 2 years and had a near death event 8 weeks ago)....for men = major life event (big goal missed or reached, death of a parent, unemployment)
Symptoms: the lists I've found typically show the same top 7-10 but there are some lists that go as long as 40-50, the more of them the spouse exhibits the more likely they may be experiencing one .
- sudden change in interest in spouse, children, family, marriage
- depression, anxiety, manic - almost overnight and intermittent
- increased spending
- changes in libido overnight - more or less
- interest in younger opposite sex (interesting but even women going through this will like younger men or women in many cases)
- sudden changes in appearance - hair color, piercings, tattoos, weight loss or gain, clothing etc.
- Sudden 'falling out of love' with current spouse - typically they will also list all that is wrong with you
- Infidelity - they will feel justified in it and blame you for it
- No longer responsible - stop cleaning, paying bills etc.
- Adolescent behavior - huge sense of entitlement....
....the lists go on and on, on one they listed a sudden interest to learn a musical instrument (read this list two days after my wife told me she wanted to learn how to play the fiddle, sheesh)....
Treatment: Time and therapy and in some cases medication for things like depression etc - therapy is the best option for them if they will go because you will have zero impact on them with anything you say (another symptom, during one of these they see you as a big part if not all of the problem)
What you can do? Nothing really. Ready the list options of spouses supporting those going through MLCs it reads like the 180 list. Sadly, because you are now seen as part of the problem you can't help them with logic. Your best options - go 180, but be there when they ask you to be there, listen but don't judge and that's it. For you personally you should definitely decide which behaviors you will or will not wait out and how long you will stand by their side since some of these cases can be really long. I can handle all of it but infidelity which will be a deal breaker. But can probably only last out 6-12 months if I am honest with myself so we will see.
If you are in IC you can present what you are seeing with your spouse and they can best guess at this for you, my wife has all but two of the top 10 and about another 10 of the subordinate symptoms plus had 3 big triggers two of which happened within 72hrs of each other, both my counselor and I are firmly convinced...yesterday she changed her hair color for the 2nd time in 60 days to pink and blue.....it's spooky to watch because it's like having a teenager at home when 90 days ago I had a loving wife with a bright future....
Good luck to all of you that run into this!
% of Population that experiences it: 15%
Age Ranges: Women - 35-50, Men - 40-60 (but can happen earlier or later in some cases)
Duration: Women - 2-3yrs, Men - 2-10yrs (early stage ie. the worst part - 6 weeks-2yrs with some cases being forever yikes)
Triggers: Most common for women = health issue (my wife developed Fybromialgia in the last 2 years and had a near death event 8 weeks ago)....for men = major life event (big goal missed or reached, death of a parent, unemployment)
Symptoms: the lists I've found typically show the same top 7-10 but there are some lists that go as long as 40-50, the more of them the spouse exhibits the more likely they may be experiencing one .
- sudden change in interest in spouse, children, family, marriage
- depression, anxiety, manic - almost overnight and intermittent
- increased spending
- changes in libido overnight - more or less
- interest in younger opposite sex (interesting but even women going through this will like younger men or women in many cases)
- sudden changes in appearance - hair color, piercings, tattoos, weight loss or gain, clothing etc.
- Sudden 'falling out of love' with current spouse - typically they will also list all that is wrong with you
- Infidelity - they will feel justified in it and blame you for it
- No longer responsible - stop cleaning, paying bills etc.
- Adolescent behavior - huge sense of entitlement....
....the lists go on and on, on one they listed a sudden interest to learn a musical instrument (read this list two days after my wife told me she wanted to learn how to play the fiddle, sheesh)....
Treatment: Time and therapy and in some cases medication for things like depression etc - therapy is the best option for them if they will go because you will have zero impact on them with anything you say (another symptom, during one of these they see you as a big part if not all of the problem)
What you can do? Nothing really. Ready the list options of spouses supporting those going through MLCs it reads like the 180 list. Sadly, because you are now seen as part of the problem you can't help them with logic. Your best options - go 180, but be there when they ask you to be there, listen but don't judge and that's it. For you personally you should definitely decide which behaviors you will or will not wait out and how long you will stand by their side since some of these cases can be really long. I can handle all of it but infidelity which will be a deal breaker. But can probably only last out 6-12 months if I am honest with myself so we will see.
If you are in IC you can present what you are seeing with your spouse and they can best guess at this for you, my wife has all but two of the top 10 and about another 10 of the subordinate symptoms plus had 3 big triggers two of which happened within 72hrs of each other, both my counselor and I are firmly convinced...yesterday she changed her hair color for the 2nd time in 60 days to pink and blue.....it's spooky to watch because it's like having a teenager at home when 90 days ago I had a loving wife with a bright future....
Good luck to all of you that run into this!
Put the internet to work for you.
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