My DH and I have been married for 10 years, together for 13. We have been through a lot together. For starters, he had a major illness and several health issues that have stemmed from it. Besides that, it's been things like job issues, financial problems, etc. We stayed strong, however, and loved each other through it all.
Six years ago we made the mutual decision to start a family. Now we have two children - DS is 6, DD is 4. Having kids definitely changed our relationship, but I never thought it was horrible. I loved him to pieces. We just seemed busier and more tired.
Several months ago, DH changed almost overnight. He told me he has been very unhappy for a few years. He felt neglected and needed me to put him first all of the time. So I tried. I started doing little things again - getting his coffee cup ready, hiding love notes in his briefcase, I put the kids to bed early so we could have a early night, etc. Unfortunately, he was still miserable. He said he needed more time for himself, for his friends. This life wasn't enough for him.
At this point, I did the wrong thing and started snooping. I had the gut feeling something else was at play. It turns out, there was a female coworker involved. She and DH had been having lunches, spending 500+ minutes a month on the phone, helping each other with their relationship problems. I confronted him. He said there was nothing physical going on, just a deep friendship. I told him to end the friendship because it was disrespectful to me.
Months have passed and things haven't gotten better. I found sitters and added weekly date nights to our schedule. It didn't help. His depression has gotten worse. He'd sob uncontrollably some days. There is never any happiness. He never smiles. He lacks any kind of patience for our kids. It's to the point where he barely spends 10 minutes a day with them. We tried marriage counseling and individual therapy. The therapists recommended antidepressants for him. DH refused (and still refuses) to take them. He says he's happier when we're not there - he can think straight, he can do what he wants when he wants, and he feels like himself again. However, when I ask him for a separation, he won't leave. He says he loves us and wants to work things out. He wants us to live our lives and have the kids follow second. He wants 2-3 date nights a week and have the rest of the nights for himself. That leaves no time for him to be with our children and, as a mother, that breaks my heart.
In the meantime, he's still continuing his relationship with the coworker. He has been out with her twice after I told him not to and continues to call/text her from his work phone so I don't see it on the phone bill. It's so hurtful.
I'm to the point where I just don't know what's left to do. He says I haven't fought for our marriage, but I feel like that's ALL I've been doing for half a year now. Almost every time we talk, it turns into a fight. I love him so, so, so much, but this just isn't a healthy relationship anymore. When he's home, he's never really "there", but he won't leave either. What do I do?!
Six years ago we made the mutual decision to start a family. Now we have two children - DS is 6, DD is 4. Having kids definitely changed our relationship, but I never thought it was horrible. I loved him to pieces. We just seemed busier and more tired.
Several months ago, DH changed almost overnight. He told me he has been very unhappy for a few years. He felt neglected and needed me to put him first all of the time. So I tried. I started doing little things again - getting his coffee cup ready, hiding love notes in his briefcase, I put the kids to bed early so we could have a early night, etc. Unfortunately, he was still miserable. He said he needed more time for himself, for his friends. This life wasn't enough for him.
At this point, I did the wrong thing and started snooping. I had the gut feeling something else was at play. It turns out, there was a female coworker involved. She and DH had been having lunches, spending 500+ minutes a month on the phone, helping each other with their relationship problems. I confronted him. He said there was nothing physical going on, just a deep friendship. I told him to end the friendship because it was disrespectful to me.
Months have passed and things haven't gotten better. I found sitters and added weekly date nights to our schedule. It didn't help. His depression has gotten worse. He'd sob uncontrollably some days. There is never any happiness. He never smiles. He lacks any kind of patience for our kids. It's to the point where he barely spends 10 minutes a day with them. We tried marriage counseling and individual therapy. The therapists recommended antidepressants for him. DH refused (and still refuses) to take them. He says he's happier when we're not there - he can think straight, he can do what he wants when he wants, and he feels like himself again. However, when I ask him for a separation, he won't leave. He says he loves us and wants to work things out. He wants us to live our lives and have the kids follow second. He wants 2-3 date nights a week and have the rest of the nights for himself. That leaves no time for him to be with our children and, as a mother, that breaks my heart.
In the meantime, he's still continuing his relationship with the coworker. He has been out with her twice after I told him not to and continues to call/text her from his work phone so I don't see it on the phone bill. It's so hurtful.
I'm to the point where I just don't know what's left to do. He says I haven't fought for our marriage, but I feel like that's ALL I've been doing for half a year now. Almost every time we talk, it turns into a fight. I love him so, so, so much, but this just isn't a healthy relationship anymore. When he's home, he's never really "there", but he won't leave either. What do I do?!
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