My wife has just told me she is not happy and wants has given me a ultimatum to get a separation. The ultimatum consist of 2 choices. If I want to have any chance of reconciliation then I need to move out. The second is if I choose to stay and not leave she will leave and in her words "I will be putting a nail in the coffin with NO chance or reconciliation and our marriage will be over"!
Background info. I am a self employed business owner that works from home. We have 3 children in their teens. My wife has never HAD to work. If she did, it was because she wanted too and I supported her in the jobs she has worked. Several years back she said she wanted to go back to school to full fill a life long dream to becoming a doctor. I knew she has always wanted this and we began working on a strategy to make this happen. We knew going in to this, it was going to be difficult especially when medical school started. The Lord has blessed me to be able to work from home and be very flexible or this would not even be possible. I cashed in a 401k to pay for the first year of med school (40K) to help with not having as much debt once she got out. She told me that all of her time was going to be wrapped up in school and the day to day home responsibilities would fall on my shoulders. The first year went pretty smooth. Things were busy around the house and time together was limited. She would come in from school mid afternoons, take a power knap, then go back to her studies here at the house. Even though she was not available, just having her in the house was uplifting. We still had time with the kids and took a vacation every 2 1/2 months during her breaks. I adjusted my schedule by starting my day around 4 a.m. after sometimes not going to bed till after midnight. She would also start early which allowed us time to share coffee time first thing in the a.m.. I would work till it was time to get kids ready for school and prepare breakfast and lunches and get them to school, while she got ready to go the school at 8. The rest of the day consisted of work till kids got home and getting them on homework or to practices. I was responsible for dinners and the shopping that went along with that. Most evening she would be tired and need to go to bed b/t 8 and 9 to make the 4 a.m. wake up. The kids get tucked in before 9 which u sually became my responsibility. The rest of the evening for me consist of cleaning up from dinner, laundry and catching up on work that did not get finished that day.
The second year had her being at school more and my business began to really take off more so that it was already. I hired more employees to help with work load, but tings around the house began to slip through the cracks. I knew this because she started pointing out the things that did not get done....i.e. laundry folded or house picked up. So I hired a house keeper to come in once a week to handle some of the major cleaning issues so I could concern myself with the important thing such as homework, dinner and time with kids. Even after that things were still brought to may attention that had not been done and never the things that did get done. During this second year I developed "sleep apnea". It made me have a very loud snore, which kept her up and allowed her to not get a good night sleep. Several nights she would wake me up and I would go to the guest bed room. I tried several ways to fix this, but surgery was the answer. Surgery was not possible at that tim e and I told her that I had no problem staying in the guest room so she could sleep and once boards were over we would look into surgery. This did not mean we gave up on physical relations. We just had it at other times, power knap afternoons or before I went to guest room. As the classes got harder and business grew, those times grew fewer and then obsolete, but we still showed passion for each other with kisses and hugs when we were with each other. We were just writing it up as part f the difficulty of taking on this endeavor.
This brings us to present days. In med school, after the end of your second year you have to prepare yourself for the "Boards" test. It is a big deal. They have a couple of months over the summer to prepare for this test and reading up on others who have taken this test it is "all consuming". So when she told me that I need to allow her to do what ever she felt necessary to allow her to concentrate on this test I knew this was true. This meant her staying up at school with study groups till late in the evening or getting the kids out of the house while she studied the kids and I were prepared to give her this with no ill feelings. I knew she was getting stressed out over this test and her studying at home was not working for her. She began 4 weeks ago going to school at 7 and not getting home till sometimes midnight or after and starting over the next day. Sometimes she would sleep in till late morning and the go to the campus. Our conversation were very few and far between and consisted mostly of her complaining about things around the house. A week ago I told her I would like to schedule 10 to 15 minutes in the morning to hang out and have coffee. She blindsided me with " I am not happy here...I deserve to be happy and this was not fun anymore..." I was dumb founded and asked what she wanted. She told me she was thinking of moving out. I did not what to say. I told her that was not an option and we need to talk this out and come up with a solution. She told me she could not do that right now....the boards were to important and she went to school. A week went by and I would see her in the morning and when she got home but no real conversation was had. I finally last weekend told her I need to know what she wanted and she told me she wanted a separation. Which brings us to the opening statement.
I have talked to my family and hers also. I have also spoken to my pastor. We both have spoken to the kids and told them that there may be some changes, but we would do what ever was in their best interest and that they came first. They have taken it hard but they are not blind. They rarely see her and they see the stress I have not knowing what the future holds. She told them that she need to be away from me for a while. She told me that I had 48 hours to make a decision on which one I was choosing.....Stay or Go? I told her that was not possible for me to make a decision that quickly and that was not even fair.
I have not given here and answer. I did ask her to paint me a picture of how she would like to see a day go without me here. She told me I needed to get an apartment. I would come to the house at 6:30 a.m. and she goes to school or her rotation which is coming up after her boards. I would be with the kids during he day while working here or getting hem to school when that starts back. I work here and get them started on homework / practices etc... I would leave around 5:30 and go to the apartment to spend the night and she cooks dinner for them and spends time with them in the evening.
I proposed another idea to her. I told her that we both stay here, she goes to school at 6:30 and I take the kids all day. 4 Days a week of her choosing I will start dinner and she can take over and I will go workout, bike ride, take laptop to coffee hose and work till kids get ready for bed and come back to tuck them in so they knew DADDY was here, but we would also let the kids know that I was doing this so that we BOTH stay under this roof for the kids sake and me not being here for dinner was giving her, her time alone with them. Nothing is different from what she proposes except we both sleep here. Like I said, the house is over 4000 sqft, we both can be here and not be with each other. She told me she did not want us both here at the same time and she needed space.
Legally I know if I leave it will show I abandoned my family weather she says she would never do that to me if we did not reconcile, but I don't 100% believe that. With all my heart and sole I want to work on this...I am not ready to give up 18 years of marriage to my wife and best friend.
I am looking for answers if anyone has been in this same situation. I need to prepare myself legally and spiritually to make sure the kids are my #1 concern and try to work out reconciliation with my wife.
Background info. I am a self employed business owner that works from home. We have 3 children in their teens. My wife has never HAD to work. If she did, it was because she wanted too and I supported her in the jobs she has worked. Several years back she said she wanted to go back to school to full fill a life long dream to becoming a doctor. I knew she has always wanted this and we began working on a strategy to make this happen. We knew going in to this, it was going to be difficult especially when medical school started. The Lord has blessed me to be able to work from home and be very flexible or this would not even be possible. I cashed in a 401k to pay for the first year of med school (40K) to help with not having as much debt once she got out. She told me that all of her time was going to be wrapped up in school and the day to day home responsibilities would fall on my shoulders. The first year went pretty smooth. Things were busy around the house and time together was limited. She would come in from school mid afternoons, take a power knap, then go back to her studies here at the house. Even though she was not available, just having her in the house was uplifting. We still had time with the kids and took a vacation every 2 1/2 months during her breaks. I adjusted my schedule by starting my day around 4 a.m. after sometimes not going to bed till after midnight. She would also start early which allowed us time to share coffee time first thing in the a.m.. I would work till it was time to get kids ready for school and prepare breakfast and lunches and get them to school, while she got ready to go the school at 8. The rest of the day consisted of work till kids got home and getting them on homework or to practices. I was responsible for dinners and the shopping that went along with that. Most evening she would be tired and need to go to bed b/t 8 and 9 to make the 4 a.m. wake up. The kids get tucked in before 9 which u sually became my responsibility. The rest of the evening for me consist of cleaning up from dinner, laundry and catching up on work that did not get finished that day.
The second year had her being at school more and my business began to really take off more so that it was already. I hired more employees to help with work load, but tings around the house began to slip through the cracks. I knew this because she started pointing out the things that did not get done....i.e. laundry folded or house picked up. So I hired a house keeper to come in once a week to handle some of the major cleaning issues so I could concern myself with the important thing such as homework, dinner and time with kids. Even after that things were still brought to may attention that had not been done and never the things that did get done. During this second year I developed "sleep apnea". It made me have a very loud snore, which kept her up and allowed her to not get a good night sleep. Several nights she would wake me up and I would go to the guest bed room. I tried several ways to fix this, but surgery was the answer. Surgery was not possible at that tim e and I told her that I had no problem staying in the guest room so she could sleep and once boards were over we would look into surgery. This did not mean we gave up on physical relations. We just had it at other times, power knap afternoons or before I went to guest room. As the classes got harder and business grew, those times grew fewer and then obsolete, but we still showed passion for each other with kisses and hugs when we were with each other. We were just writing it up as part f the difficulty of taking on this endeavor.
This brings us to present days. In med school, after the end of your second year you have to prepare yourself for the "Boards" test. It is a big deal. They have a couple of months over the summer to prepare for this test and reading up on others who have taken this test it is "all consuming". So when she told me that I need to allow her to do what ever she felt necessary to allow her to concentrate on this test I knew this was true. This meant her staying up at school with study groups till late in the evening or getting the kids out of the house while she studied the kids and I were prepared to give her this with no ill feelings. I knew she was getting stressed out over this test and her studying at home was not working for her. She began 4 weeks ago going to school at 7 and not getting home till sometimes midnight or after and starting over the next day. Sometimes she would sleep in till late morning and the go to the campus. Our conversation were very few and far between and consisted mostly of her complaining about things around the house. A week ago I told her I would like to schedule 10 to 15 minutes in the morning to hang out and have coffee. She blindsided me with " I am not happy here...I deserve to be happy and this was not fun anymore..." I was dumb founded and asked what she wanted. She told me she was thinking of moving out. I did not what to say. I told her that was not an option and we need to talk this out and come up with a solution. She told me she could not do that right now....the boards were to important and she went to school. A week went by and I would see her in the morning and when she got home but no real conversation was had. I finally last weekend told her I need to know what she wanted and she told me she wanted a separation. Which brings us to the opening statement.
I have talked to my family and hers also. I have also spoken to my pastor. We both have spoken to the kids and told them that there may be some changes, but we would do what ever was in their best interest and that they came first. They have taken it hard but they are not blind. They rarely see her and they see the stress I have not knowing what the future holds. She told them that she need to be away from me for a while. She told me that I had 48 hours to make a decision on which one I was choosing.....Stay or Go? I told her that was not possible for me to make a decision that quickly and that was not even fair.
I have not given here and answer. I did ask her to paint me a picture of how she would like to see a day go without me here. She told me I needed to get an apartment. I would come to the house at 6:30 a.m. and she goes to school or her rotation which is coming up after her boards. I would be with the kids during he day while working here or getting hem to school when that starts back. I work here and get them started on homework / practices etc... I would leave around 5:30 and go to the apartment to spend the night and she cooks dinner for them and spends time with them in the evening.
I proposed another idea to her. I told her that we both stay here, she goes to school at 6:30 and I take the kids all day. 4 Days a week of her choosing I will start dinner and she can take over and I will go workout, bike ride, take laptop to coffee hose and work till kids get ready for bed and come back to tuck them in so they knew DADDY was here, but we would also let the kids know that I was doing this so that we BOTH stay under this roof for the kids sake and me not being here for dinner was giving her, her time alone with them. Nothing is different from what she proposes except we both sleep here. Like I said, the house is over 4000 sqft, we both can be here and not be with each other. She told me she did not want us both here at the same time and she needed space.
Legally I know if I leave it will show I abandoned my family weather she says she would never do that to me if we did not reconcile, but I don't 100% believe that. With all my heart and sole I want to work on this...I am not ready to give up 18 years of marriage to my wife and best friend.
I am looking for answers if anyone has been in this same situation. I need to prepare myself legally and spiritually to make sure the kids are my #1 concern and try to work out reconciliation with my wife.
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