Hi Everyone,
I have been married 7 years and both wife and myself are 40 years old. We have had many issues in our marriage which have stemmed from the fact that she has spend about 3 of those years visiting her parents in the States. She and her family think that is totally acceptable and I am being unreasonable by saying that is too long.
In that time she has never been able to hold a permanent job as she knows she will be visiting and also wanting to have children in an issue. Her parents say that if we have kids what is wrong with them spending 6 months in the States and 6 months in the UK. Well, schooling for one and which guy would have kids with a wife knowing half the year there will be separation. In any case, the wife will not have kids in my opinion because she dislikes anything to do with responsibility. Which brings me to the issue I need advice on at the moment, summarised as follows:
1) Wife has made a big circle of friends, and getting to know more people here and going out is something that I have always encouraged.
2) The issue has become around the fact that she does not tell me when she's going out sometimes, but more repeatedly when she is coming back if it is becoming late.
3) Examples include her going out after work for a 3 hour coffee with a friend and then to a salsa club with her friend, which starts at 8.30pm and finishes at 9.30pm. She asked me to make dinner which I did, but then I do not hear from her until 12.30am when she texts me saying she is just chatting to her friend in the car park. This is despite me calling her at after 10pm to see where she was at. The next day I presented two issues to her - a) you have been out all evening after work, and then dancing, why would you not come home afterwards and spend time with your husband and b) is it not reasonable for you to call me to let me know you are going to chill out with your friend and be late so that I do not worry and out of courtesy. Her response is that she is being reasonable as nobody in the USA have to tell their other halves about coming home late etc (which is bollocks).
4) Examples include her going away on Friday to spend with a friend (wife my my best friend) and stating that she will be back mid morning on Sunday so we can hang out, go out for lunch and do shopping. Anyway she turns up home at 9pm and not once has she called me despite me leaving her messages. Her response was that I knew where she was do why would I worry. She does not understand that her actions are unreasonable and disrespectful, especially because when I go out I will tell her exactly where I am at and when I am coming home. I spoke to her parents about this and their response was that I want to be controlling If I wanted to be controlling I would not allow wife to go to the USA for 3 out of 7 years.
There are dozens of more examples.
I am basically at my tethers end here. If her parents ask her about kids, she says of course she will consider them if our communication improves and hence relationship. I communicate so effectively with her and leave no stone unturned, yet she is so secretive about everything and does not communicate. The reality is that she never wants kids but she hates to be asked any questions about them and likes to swerve the question and go on about her daily life. In fact, if I ask her about any plans for the future she shys away and it seems like everyday is the same as there is nothing to look forward to.
My friend (whose wife she stayed with that weekend in the example) was drunk one day when he visited us and said he wanted to tell me something. He said my wife told his wife that the reason she wont have kids is because she wants to look after her parents as they are getting very old now and that having a kid will come in the way. So basically, she is going to leave me anyway to be with her parents when they need her - I have said to her parents in the past to come and live with us but they have refused and said we should pack up and move over there. I can not do that as I have a very specialised job that allows me to work in the UK only.
Do I make the first move and ask for a divorce or just wait things out and see what happens in the future. One thing I can't do is talk to my wife about this as she will just shy away and not engage.
Thanks
I have been married 7 years and both wife and myself are 40 years old. We have had many issues in our marriage which have stemmed from the fact that she has spend about 3 of those years visiting her parents in the States. She and her family think that is totally acceptable and I am being unreasonable by saying that is too long.
In that time she has never been able to hold a permanent job as she knows she will be visiting and also wanting to have children in an issue. Her parents say that if we have kids what is wrong with them spending 6 months in the States and 6 months in the UK. Well, schooling for one and which guy would have kids with a wife knowing half the year there will be separation. In any case, the wife will not have kids in my opinion because she dislikes anything to do with responsibility. Which brings me to the issue I need advice on at the moment, summarised as follows:
1) Wife has made a big circle of friends, and getting to know more people here and going out is something that I have always encouraged.
2) The issue has become around the fact that she does not tell me when she's going out sometimes, but more repeatedly when she is coming back if it is becoming late.
3) Examples include her going out after work for a 3 hour coffee with a friend and then to a salsa club with her friend, which starts at 8.30pm and finishes at 9.30pm. She asked me to make dinner which I did, but then I do not hear from her until 12.30am when she texts me saying she is just chatting to her friend in the car park. This is despite me calling her at after 10pm to see where she was at. The next day I presented two issues to her - a) you have been out all evening after work, and then dancing, why would you not come home afterwards and spend time with your husband and b) is it not reasonable for you to call me to let me know you are going to chill out with your friend and be late so that I do not worry and out of courtesy. Her response is that she is being reasonable as nobody in the USA have to tell their other halves about coming home late etc (which is bollocks).
4) Examples include her going away on Friday to spend with a friend (wife my my best friend) and stating that she will be back mid morning on Sunday so we can hang out, go out for lunch and do shopping. Anyway she turns up home at 9pm and not once has she called me despite me leaving her messages. Her response was that I knew where she was do why would I worry. She does not understand that her actions are unreasonable and disrespectful, especially because when I go out I will tell her exactly where I am at and when I am coming home. I spoke to her parents about this and their response was that I want to be controlling If I wanted to be controlling I would not allow wife to go to the USA for 3 out of 7 years.
There are dozens of more examples.
I am basically at my tethers end here. If her parents ask her about kids, she says of course she will consider them if our communication improves and hence relationship. I communicate so effectively with her and leave no stone unturned, yet she is so secretive about everything and does not communicate. The reality is that she never wants kids but she hates to be asked any questions about them and likes to swerve the question and go on about her daily life. In fact, if I ask her about any plans for the future she shys away and it seems like everyday is the same as there is nothing to look forward to.
My friend (whose wife she stayed with that weekend in the example) was drunk one day when he visited us and said he wanted to tell me something. He said my wife told his wife that the reason she wont have kids is because she wants to look after her parents as they are getting very old now and that having a kid will come in the way. So basically, she is going to leave me anyway to be with her parents when they need her - I have said to her parents in the past to come and live with us but they have refused and said we should pack up and move over there. I can not do that as I have a very specialised job that allows me to work in the UK only.
Do I make the first move and ask for a divorce or just wait things out and see what happens in the future. One thing I can't do is talk to my wife about this as she will just shy away and not engage.
Thanks
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