Mine is a long, maybe familiar story, but since everyone's story is different, I will try to hit the highlights.
Met my wife in high school. Dated 5 years, married almost 18 years now. We love each other very much. But............
Background:
Married years 1-10 in love, wonderful, 2 kids. Nothing's ever perfect, but we're like 2 peas in a pod. Sex life is up and down.
Years 11-13, she takes a very stressful job and has trouble coping with the stress. She starts to withdraw, medicate with alcohol. Sex life goes in the toilet. I start to withdraw more. Don't know how to help her, so we begin to disconnect.
Years 14-15 of marriage, wife becomes deeply depressed. Struggled with depression before, but never this bad. Bedridden outside of work. Becomes alcoholic. Won't take medication. I try to help, but eventually I get worn down by this and completely disconnect and focus on myself working out, bettering myself, taking care of our kids and the house, etc....neglect her, but at the same time, she seems ok with this, as long as I'm not asking her to do the laundry, dishes or take her "medication" (alcohol) away....
Year 16, she comes out of this depression and starts working out, feeling better about herself, posting pretty pictures of herself on her profile on an online game she plays on her phone. Gets attention of lots of guys on there (she is stunning in her profile pictures). Meets one guy in particular and starts an emotional affair with him, sexts with him and sends dozens of R-rated pictures of herself to him. Never meets him in person. Also has similar encounters with others, but nothing like this one guy. He's THE ONE.
Coinciding with the beginning of this affair, she starts telling me she needs space, loves me but not in love with me anymore, wants to separate. I counter with "if you want to separate, I want a divorce". At the time, I was not interested in anything but fixing our marriage. Certainly not sitting around wondering if she's having an affair, or dating myself. At that point, I'm still very much in love with her, hoping she will feel better soon and we can be happy again.
Well eventually, I find out about the affair and tell her to stop or I am divorcing her. She says she will. Continues anyway trying to hide it from me. I can sense something is still not right, and find out a couple months later she has carried on with him, and it has only intensified with the content of the pictures, progressing to X-rated pics of herself, and X-rated sexting.
I tell her it's over, and consult with lawyers. Ready to start the process of divorce. She says she will stop, please don't end our marriage, she loves me, she's sorry, etc...... I agree to stay, and work on things, but find out a few months later she is back at it again. At this point, it's been going on almost a year. SHe tells me she's in love with him and that she knows her affair isn't real life, that their relationship isn't real, but doesn't know how to turn off her feelings for this guy. I tell her it's over and don't feel romantic toward her at all anymore. At this point, I am feeling very numb toward her.
But I do still love her and care about her as a person. Almost like I would my own daughter. I feel like she is mainly hurting herself with all this stuff, because this guy she's having an affair with clearly has no intentions of ever meeting her, and is just using her for porn at this point. And I am pretty sure at this point, for her, it has all been one big ego trip gone wrong. So I am ready to break ties and move on from her.
While she is prepping to move out, I go on a couple of dates and actually meet someone with whom I "click". Not romantically, but personality wise. I start talking to this person on the phone, and my wife finds out.
Well this changes everything. My wife becomes a wreck. She wants to work on our marriage, crying, sobbing, loves me, in love with me, don't want to move out anymore, etc.....I tell her I don't feel comfortable being her husband. Basically, the trust is not there for us to be married anymore. She tells me there is nothing to live for anymore, I am the perfect man.
I think about it for a couple of days while she lies in bed sobbing the worst sobbing I've ever heard from her. I decide to give her another chance........
Fast forward to today (years 17-18):
We have been through several counselors, she even moved out for 6 months and we "dated" to see if we could reconcile. Living together wasn't working as I was having a hard time with all that she did. It also took some time for her to see that online flirting was harmful to a marriage. We've had several close calls of ending it over the last year. She also at one point revealed she was sexually abused as a child and teen before I met her (first time she revealed this to me in 23 years of knowing her). But eventually we worked through it all*. And today we are mostly happily married. She says she is in love with me. She made a horrible mistake. She has gone clean and sober (for the most part....she still occasionally has a glass of wine or two). There is no evidence and no "gut feeling" that she is doing anything behind my back (for that entire year, I had a "gut feeling" based on her behavior, etc....if you've been through it, you know what I mean). Bottom line is, this marria ge is probably saved.
* - Except for one thing.............
Thanks to all the cloud sharing technology provided by apple (photo stream, iPhoto, etc...), I got to see probably 90% of what she gave him as far as photos of herself, chats of theirs she screen shot so she could save for herself....also saw their chats and pics sent when I broke into her phone. She was very sexual. Very, very, very sexual with him. With her words, with her pictures, etc....
She is not like that with me. Sexting and sending pics had never been a part of our relationship (although a few years ago, I did try to do that with her, and she showed little to no interest).
I told her this bothers me, and makes me feel like this is a sham, and that I don't feel like I really even compare to that guy on the Internet she loved so much. She said it is different because I'm here, right in front of her, and the online thing was....well, different in that there was always this "longing" for something that was never fulfilled. She said it would have been different had she met him (other than the fact that had she done that, we would certainly be divorced). I told her it makes me feel like he was her true soulmate that she could be so intimate with him, but not with me. Now logically, I know this not to be true, because she and I have shared a life, had kids, been through 22 years of life, mostly as a happy couple. But logic is very weak in the face of emotion as we all well know.
So she sent me a couple of pictures of herself (T and A), for which I am grateful, BUT, it's nothing like what she gave this guy in loads. And, this may seem silly, but I don't like having to ask for it. He never had to.
Adding to this, she seems to have absolutely no libido. Maybe once per month. With this guy she was engaging him at least weekly.
I am having a hell of a time dealing with this. We will go sometimes a couple of weeks with no intimacy, and that's when these thoughts really kick into my head. When we are intimate, it's not as big a problem. But as I said, she has low libido with me.
When/if I bring it up, it turns into a huge fight there with her accusing me of caring about nothing but myself. She's too tired to fight about it anymore.
She says over and over again that she wants this marriage to work, and she wants us to be happy together. But we eventually keep ending up at this point where I feel like I'm living in the shadow of her great love. I feel like I'm the one with the problem here.
We have seen several counselors together and seperate, like I said, and the general advice is "Get over it", or "That was about her, not about you" or "You have to forget about it.....try breathing through it until the thought passes"
So my questions are:
Am I overreacting?
How can I cope with these feelings better?
Am I being unfair to her?
Do I want too much...i.e.., is it just unrealistic for a husband to have what an affair partner is given? Like, is a husband one thing, and a lover a different thing?
Met my wife in high school. Dated 5 years, married almost 18 years now. We love each other very much. But............
Background:
Married years 1-10 in love, wonderful, 2 kids. Nothing's ever perfect, but we're like 2 peas in a pod. Sex life is up and down.
Years 11-13, she takes a very stressful job and has trouble coping with the stress. She starts to withdraw, medicate with alcohol. Sex life goes in the toilet. I start to withdraw more. Don't know how to help her, so we begin to disconnect.
Years 14-15 of marriage, wife becomes deeply depressed. Struggled with depression before, but never this bad. Bedridden outside of work. Becomes alcoholic. Won't take medication. I try to help, but eventually I get worn down by this and completely disconnect and focus on myself working out, bettering myself, taking care of our kids and the house, etc....neglect her, but at the same time, she seems ok with this, as long as I'm not asking her to do the laundry, dishes or take her "medication" (alcohol) away....
Year 16, she comes out of this depression and starts working out, feeling better about herself, posting pretty pictures of herself on her profile on an online game she plays on her phone. Gets attention of lots of guys on there (she is stunning in her profile pictures). Meets one guy in particular and starts an emotional affair with him, sexts with him and sends dozens of R-rated pictures of herself to him. Never meets him in person. Also has similar encounters with others, but nothing like this one guy. He's THE ONE.
Coinciding with the beginning of this affair, she starts telling me she needs space, loves me but not in love with me anymore, wants to separate. I counter with "if you want to separate, I want a divorce". At the time, I was not interested in anything but fixing our marriage. Certainly not sitting around wondering if she's having an affair, or dating myself. At that point, I'm still very much in love with her, hoping she will feel better soon and we can be happy again.
Well eventually, I find out about the affair and tell her to stop or I am divorcing her. She says she will. Continues anyway trying to hide it from me. I can sense something is still not right, and find out a couple months later she has carried on with him, and it has only intensified with the content of the pictures, progressing to X-rated pics of herself, and X-rated sexting.
I tell her it's over, and consult with lawyers. Ready to start the process of divorce. She says she will stop, please don't end our marriage, she loves me, she's sorry, etc...... I agree to stay, and work on things, but find out a few months later she is back at it again. At this point, it's been going on almost a year. SHe tells me she's in love with him and that she knows her affair isn't real life, that their relationship isn't real, but doesn't know how to turn off her feelings for this guy. I tell her it's over and don't feel romantic toward her at all anymore. At this point, I am feeling very numb toward her.
But I do still love her and care about her as a person. Almost like I would my own daughter. I feel like she is mainly hurting herself with all this stuff, because this guy she's having an affair with clearly has no intentions of ever meeting her, and is just using her for porn at this point. And I am pretty sure at this point, for her, it has all been one big ego trip gone wrong. So I am ready to break ties and move on from her.
While she is prepping to move out, I go on a couple of dates and actually meet someone with whom I "click". Not romantically, but personality wise. I start talking to this person on the phone, and my wife finds out.
Well this changes everything. My wife becomes a wreck. She wants to work on our marriage, crying, sobbing, loves me, in love with me, don't want to move out anymore, etc.....I tell her I don't feel comfortable being her husband. Basically, the trust is not there for us to be married anymore. She tells me there is nothing to live for anymore, I am the perfect man.
I think about it for a couple of days while she lies in bed sobbing the worst sobbing I've ever heard from her. I decide to give her another chance........
Fast forward to today (years 17-18):
We have been through several counselors, she even moved out for 6 months and we "dated" to see if we could reconcile. Living together wasn't working as I was having a hard time with all that she did. It also took some time for her to see that online flirting was harmful to a marriage. We've had several close calls of ending it over the last year. She also at one point revealed she was sexually abused as a child and teen before I met her (first time she revealed this to me in 23 years of knowing her). But eventually we worked through it all*. And today we are mostly happily married. She says she is in love with me. She made a horrible mistake. She has gone clean and sober (for the most part....she still occasionally has a glass of wine or two). There is no evidence and no "gut feeling" that she is doing anything behind my back (for that entire year, I had a "gut feeling" based on her behavior, etc....if you've been through it, you know what I mean). Bottom line is, this marria ge is probably saved.
* - Except for one thing.............
Thanks to all the cloud sharing technology provided by apple (photo stream, iPhoto, etc...), I got to see probably 90% of what she gave him as far as photos of herself, chats of theirs she screen shot so she could save for herself....also saw their chats and pics sent when I broke into her phone. She was very sexual. Very, very, very sexual with him. With her words, with her pictures, etc....
She is not like that with me. Sexting and sending pics had never been a part of our relationship (although a few years ago, I did try to do that with her, and she showed little to no interest).
I told her this bothers me, and makes me feel like this is a sham, and that I don't feel like I really even compare to that guy on the Internet she loved so much. She said it is different because I'm here, right in front of her, and the online thing was....well, different in that there was always this "longing" for something that was never fulfilled. She said it would have been different had she met him (other than the fact that had she done that, we would certainly be divorced). I told her it makes me feel like he was her true soulmate that she could be so intimate with him, but not with me. Now logically, I know this not to be true, because she and I have shared a life, had kids, been through 22 years of life, mostly as a happy couple. But logic is very weak in the face of emotion as we all well know.
So she sent me a couple of pictures of herself (T and A), for which I am grateful, BUT, it's nothing like what she gave this guy in loads. And, this may seem silly, but I don't like having to ask for it. He never had to.
Adding to this, she seems to have absolutely no libido. Maybe once per month. With this guy she was engaging him at least weekly.
I am having a hell of a time dealing with this. We will go sometimes a couple of weeks with no intimacy, and that's when these thoughts really kick into my head. When we are intimate, it's not as big a problem. But as I said, she has low libido with me.
When/if I bring it up, it turns into a huge fight there with her accusing me of caring about nothing but myself. She's too tired to fight about it anymore.
She says over and over again that she wants this marriage to work, and she wants us to be happy together. But we eventually keep ending up at this point where I feel like I'm living in the shadow of her great love. I feel like I'm the one with the problem here.
We have seen several counselors together and seperate, like I said, and the general advice is "Get over it", or "That was about her, not about you" or "You have to forget about it.....try breathing through it until the thought passes"
So my questions are:
Am I overreacting?
How can I cope with these feelings better?
Am I being unfair to her?
Do I want too much...i.e.., is it just unrealistic for a husband to have what an affair partner is given? Like, is a husband one thing, and a lover a different thing?
Put the internet to work for you.
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