Ok guys. Any help would be appreciated. Here is the back story. My wife and I are both phyicians. We have a 5 and 2 year old. My earning potential is 3x hers due to our specialties. Naturally I work full and time and she works part time (3 days a week). Both of us working full time would be very difficult.
My mom was stay at home... wasn't a super mom (lots of Mcdonalds... didn't shuttle us to many activities) but spent a lot of time with us.
Her mom and dad were physicians... a lot of time spent being raised by nannies.
Here's the beef...I seem to be the better parent when it comes to stamina/overall energy and parenting.... The general expectation for me is to work full time and then be super dad on evenings and weekends doing 40 to 50% of the household work during those times.. If I'm not at work I should be helping with kids or household work as it is too hard on my wife. I've always felt this was very unfair division of labor and it all started after our first child. When our first child was born my wife switched to 3 days a week and I was full time... she actually put our daughter in daycare 5 days a week and spent those 2 free days taking it easy... I would come home and we would split stuff like cooking, grocery shopping, giving our daughter a bath, etc. This is why I started getting annoyed... why am i splitting these responsibilities when whe has 2 days a week to just chill out? This is when the fighting started.
Slowly through the years she has started to shoulder more home responsibility but its again starting to feel uneven. She does 90% of the cooking now...75% of the grocery shopping... still feels like 50/50 or 45/55 when we are both home though. I do 100% of the academic teaching and spend at least 30 minutes a day teaching the older one math/science/reading or the younger one phonics/early reading/shapes/early math. I'm def doing a good job as the 5 year old reads at 4th grade level and does 3rd grade math. the 2 year old is starting to read 2 and 3 letter words.
Basically i do a ton.. and she acknowledges that I am a very good dad. She hasn't worked since January but starts again July 1. This is why the resentment has come back... she has put the kids in daycare 3 days a week for the past month even though she hasn't started... its a waste of money and there is no arguement to do it for adjustment puposes as the younger one has been doing daycare for years and the older one has been in school. They adjusted day one... she said she did it because she will need to do things to prepare for her new job... in actuality I think she was sick of being with the kids all day and took the first chance she could to give herself some time. Now she's got time to go workout, shop without kids, get hair done, get a message, etc. Basically she's given herself time to relax before she starts her job.
Anyway last night she went to bookclub and I took care of both kids while she went.... and it was really easy for me. No crying/tantrums. Taught both kids for 45 minutes. Fed them. Bathed them. Put them to bed. No sweat... I think i resent that it is so hard for my wife to do these things. Its not as natural for her, I think because of her upbringing. When I come home kids are crying.. TV is being used as babysitter...she never teaches them any academics. I resent how when I do things with kids its not super stressful and hard but when is doing stuff she's stressed out... and expects help.
We have biweekly cleaners as we can easily afford it.
Seems like I never get a break. I am made to feel guilty if I go work out Sat morning forcing her to have kids for 2 hours alone (How dare I?) The other day we were at the mall and the kids were fighting... I didn't want to deal with it and just wanted her to handle it... I kept walking and she called me "lazy" for not resolving the situation. I wanted to explode. She always feels entitled to getting help with someone.. it's like its not in her DNA to be able to just handle it by herself.
I think I imagined my wife being... i don't know.. just better at being a mother/household manager... stepping it up because she realizes how much I do for our families income... instead I have to step in because she isn't as good at it... I sometimes wish she had the higher earning potential and I worked part time sending the kids to school and relaxing.
I'm starting to realize things will never change. She will never shoulder an equal amount of the total household labor.. she doesn't have the ability/stamina. I am a good dad and am not going to just refuse to be with kids.. i enjoy it. I just want to be able to stop "helping" if I don't feel up to it. I can get tired too... I might want to spend an hour with the kids when I get home.. but can't I just shut down then and expect her to handle it? Doesn't she owe it to me or love me enough to give me that?
Should I just accept this arrangement? My wife gets to just chill out more and be spoiled as not 2 people have equal stamina. I have lots of friends with even more spoiled spouses (stay at home wifes with full time nannies, evening help, family help, etc) and they just live with it. They chill out by just hiring evening help for their wifes.. Why can't I?
I think the reason is I expect/want her to be really good at it.. We should be able to handle this without hiring help. I want her to be an awesome super mom...thats what I envisioned when we fell in love many years ago and it didn't work out that way..
My mom was stay at home... wasn't a super mom (lots of Mcdonalds... didn't shuttle us to many activities) but spent a lot of time with us.
Her mom and dad were physicians... a lot of time spent being raised by nannies.
Here's the beef...I seem to be the better parent when it comes to stamina/overall energy and parenting.... The general expectation for me is to work full time and then be super dad on evenings and weekends doing 40 to 50% of the household work during those times.. If I'm not at work I should be helping with kids or household work as it is too hard on my wife. I've always felt this was very unfair division of labor and it all started after our first child. When our first child was born my wife switched to 3 days a week and I was full time... she actually put our daughter in daycare 5 days a week and spent those 2 free days taking it easy... I would come home and we would split stuff like cooking, grocery shopping, giving our daughter a bath, etc. This is why I started getting annoyed... why am i splitting these responsibilities when whe has 2 days a week to just chill out? This is when the fighting started.
Slowly through the years she has started to shoulder more home responsibility but its again starting to feel uneven. She does 90% of the cooking now...75% of the grocery shopping... still feels like 50/50 or 45/55 when we are both home though. I do 100% of the academic teaching and spend at least 30 minutes a day teaching the older one math/science/reading or the younger one phonics/early reading/shapes/early math. I'm def doing a good job as the 5 year old reads at 4th grade level and does 3rd grade math. the 2 year old is starting to read 2 and 3 letter words.
Basically i do a ton.. and she acknowledges that I am a very good dad. She hasn't worked since January but starts again July 1. This is why the resentment has come back... she has put the kids in daycare 3 days a week for the past month even though she hasn't started... its a waste of money and there is no arguement to do it for adjustment puposes as the younger one has been doing daycare for years and the older one has been in school. They adjusted day one... she said she did it because she will need to do things to prepare for her new job... in actuality I think she was sick of being with the kids all day and took the first chance she could to give herself some time. Now she's got time to go workout, shop without kids, get hair done, get a message, etc. Basically she's given herself time to relax before she starts her job.
Anyway last night she went to bookclub and I took care of both kids while she went.... and it was really easy for me. No crying/tantrums. Taught both kids for 45 minutes. Fed them. Bathed them. Put them to bed. No sweat... I think i resent that it is so hard for my wife to do these things. Its not as natural for her, I think because of her upbringing. When I come home kids are crying.. TV is being used as babysitter...she never teaches them any academics. I resent how when I do things with kids its not super stressful and hard but when is doing stuff she's stressed out... and expects help.
We have biweekly cleaners as we can easily afford it.
Seems like I never get a break. I am made to feel guilty if I go work out Sat morning forcing her to have kids for 2 hours alone (How dare I?) The other day we were at the mall and the kids were fighting... I didn't want to deal with it and just wanted her to handle it... I kept walking and she called me "lazy" for not resolving the situation. I wanted to explode. She always feels entitled to getting help with someone.. it's like its not in her DNA to be able to just handle it by herself.
I think I imagined my wife being... i don't know.. just better at being a mother/household manager... stepping it up because she realizes how much I do for our families income... instead I have to step in because she isn't as good at it... I sometimes wish she had the higher earning potential and I worked part time sending the kids to school and relaxing.
I'm starting to realize things will never change. She will never shoulder an equal amount of the total household labor.. she doesn't have the ability/stamina. I am a good dad and am not going to just refuse to be with kids.. i enjoy it. I just want to be able to stop "helping" if I don't feel up to it. I can get tired too... I might want to spend an hour with the kids when I get home.. but can't I just shut down then and expect her to handle it? Doesn't she owe it to me or love me enough to give me that?
Should I just accept this arrangement? My wife gets to just chill out more and be spoiled as not 2 people have equal stamina. I have lots of friends with even more spoiled spouses (stay at home wifes with full time nannies, evening help, family help, etc) and they just live with it. They chill out by just hiring evening help for their wifes.. Why can't I?
I think the reason is I expect/want her to be really good at it.. We should be able to handle this without hiring help. I want her to be an awesome super mom...thats what I envisioned when we fell in love many years ago and it didn't work out that way..
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