I could really use some help and perspectives here. My husband and I are in a crisis - trying very quickly to get in to see a marriage counselor and get help. But in the meantime, I'm a wreck and can't get my thoughts straight.
The backstory: we've been together 11 years, married 8. We have two young kids, ages 2 and 5. We're great friends, don't fight, and have a comfortable marriage. But ever since kids (and the accompanying exhaustion, no time, chaos, etc.) I think our connection has faded. Sex most definitely has - I've had almost no libido since before kids, and I've had significant pain with intercourse ever since childbirth. I've tried to work on both with doctors/therapists/physical therapists, with only very minor progress. I'm committed to continue trying and want to get back to having a good sex life and romantic partnership, and most assure me there's nothing wrong with me. But my husband has been very sexually frustrated for a long time, and has been having increasingly kinky/extreme fantasies for at least a year. I've tried to be open and try some of them with him (handcuffs, chastity). Some I can tolerate, some I can't. None of them excite me sexually (but then almost nothing does). I t causes us both a lot of stress... I constantly feel bad and stressed that I'm not meeting his needs, and he's constantly frustrated to not have his needs met and feel like I'm forcing myself to do things I don't want to do. Then the bomb dropped... this spring he raised the question of whether it would be a good solution for him to find sexual release with someone outside our marriage. I found the idea devastating and shocking - I've always believed that's an intimacy that married people commit to sharing only with each other. I told him very clearly that I would work together with him to find a way to meet his needs, but that was my limit - I did not want him to be with other women. But he's brought it up repeatedly, and this weekend wrote me a letter saying he has a deep need to explore BDSM and dominance/submission with other people. He says he still loves me and still wants us to be lovers and partners and best friends, and this would just be sex. I'm feeling devastate d and backed up against a ledge. We both want very badly to avoid a divorce. And I don't understand what he's feeling or desiring or "needing", but I understand that he feels equally desperate and legitimately needs something. He is not a jerk and is not doing this to hurt me. He says this is a deep need for him equivalent to someone realizing they are gay; if he were telling me he was gay, I would honor and respect that that's who he is. I might be naive, but I want desperately to find some way to meet his need that doesn't involve him turning to other women. He keeps asking me to articulate why I am so opposed to it (and wants to try to work through or negotiate any objections). And that's where I'm stuck... I can't explain to him what I feel and could really use help articulating or trying to understand.
He keeps asking:
- why does a marriage have to mean exclusive sex?
- why can't he explore his sexual fantasies with another person and have interests outside our marraige the way he might go play guitar with someone else?
- why is sexual touching different than other touching? why is it ok for a doctor or massage therapist to touch his body, but not someone else?
- why can't sex just be recreational sometimes?
This probably sounds stupid, but I would genuinely appreciate others' ideas on how you would answer these questions if your spouse put them to you (or thoughts on my situation). I'm so emotional right now that I can't think straight. And my husband is so logical that I know I don't have a chance of getting him to understand my position if I can't give him answers to these questions. I don't feel I owe him those answers, but I owe it to myself to be able to answer them.
Thanks so much in advance.
The backstory: we've been together 11 years, married 8. We have two young kids, ages 2 and 5. We're great friends, don't fight, and have a comfortable marriage. But ever since kids (and the accompanying exhaustion, no time, chaos, etc.) I think our connection has faded. Sex most definitely has - I've had almost no libido since before kids, and I've had significant pain with intercourse ever since childbirth. I've tried to work on both with doctors/therapists/physical therapists, with only very minor progress. I'm committed to continue trying and want to get back to having a good sex life and romantic partnership, and most assure me there's nothing wrong with me. But my husband has been very sexually frustrated for a long time, and has been having increasingly kinky/extreme fantasies for at least a year. I've tried to be open and try some of them with him (handcuffs, chastity). Some I can tolerate, some I can't. None of them excite me sexually (but then almost nothing does). I t causes us both a lot of stress... I constantly feel bad and stressed that I'm not meeting his needs, and he's constantly frustrated to not have his needs met and feel like I'm forcing myself to do things I don't want to do. Then the bomb dropped... this spring he raised the question of whether it would be a good solution for him to find sexual release with someone outside our marriage. I found the idea devastating and shocking - I've always believed that's an intimacy that married people commit to sharing only with each other. I told him very clearly that I would work together with him to find a way to meet his needs, but that was my limit - I did not want him to be with other women. But he's brought it up repeatedly, and this weekend wrote me a letter saying he has a deep need to explore BDSM and dominance/submission with other people. He says he still loves me and still wants us to be lovers and partners and best friends, and this would just be sex. I'm feeling devastate d and backed up against a ledge. We both want very badly to avoid a divorce. And I don't understand what he's feeling or desiring or "needing", but I understand that he feels equally desperate and legitimately needs something. He is not a jerk and is not doing this to hurt me. He says this is a deep need for him equivalent to someone realizing they are gay; if he were telling me he was gay, I would honor and respect that that's who he is. I might be naive, but I want desperately to find some way to meet his need that doesn't involve him turning to other women. He keeps asking me to articulate why I am so opposed to it (and wants to try to work through or negotiate any objections). And that's where I'm stuck... I can't explain to him what I feel and could really use help articulating or trying to understand.
He keeps asking:
- why does a marriage have to mean exclusive sex?
- why can't he explore his sexual fantasies with another person and have interests outside our marraige the way he might go play guitar with someone else?
- why is sexual touching different than other touching? why is it ok for a doctor or massage therapist to touch his body, but not someone else?
- why can't sex just be recreational sometimes?
This probably sounds stupid, but I would genuinely appreciate others' ideas on how you would answer these questions if your spouse put them to you (or thoughts on my situation). I'm so emotional right now that I can't think straight. And my husband is so logical that I know I don't have a chance of getting him to understand my position if I can't give him answers to these questions. I don't feel I owe him those answers, but I owe it to myself to be able to answer them.
Thanks so much in advance.
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