Been married nine years - together 12. Two small kids. She initiated divorced beginning of March - said I had become emotionally disconnected and that she had tried to pull me back - but that she had gotten to the point where she felt she could not do it anymore. There is some truth to that. I believe she does feel hurt.
We lost our first child at birth in 2008. It changed us in many subtle ways. I know it made me put up emotional barriers - just trying to protect myself.
Anyway, since she started the proceedings - I've been working very hard to "find" myself again. I have been largely successful and feel closer to who I used to be than I have been in ages.
I have been a better husband and father and everything else - she acknowledges it - but it has done nothing to change her mind. Yes - we've kind of gone in fits and starts - sometimes she is charging forward - then there are times she seems unsure.
We've been getting along okay - actually not bad at all. Spending time together.
Anyway, the other day a message popped up on her phone from a guy and it had a very suggestive tone to it. She was out of the room - but I saw it. It appeared to be from one of her clients (she is a hair stylist). I let it go - but it ate up at me. I just never would have thought she would fool around behind my back before the papers were signed.
I finally could not take it anymore. Her phone was out and I looked and there was a fairly long message string. I feel like crap for looking - that said - she has gone through my phone before. I left it home one day and she went through my phone looking for evidence that I was fooling around (this was before she asked to split up) and then once after we split up she saw some messages (she said she just came upon them while helping the kids with my iPad) where I said some kind of mean things about her (there is a back story about that).
The message string only goes back to the beginning of June. He contacts her - asks her if her divorce is still going on - she responds yes (enthusiastically). There is some talk about something happening between them - I took it to be a singular event - where something was happening but one or both of them froze up. He was kind of checking in with her to see if they were still cool - she played it off as not a big deal - she said something like this is weird for both of us (he is also apparently recently divorced).
There is a lot of banter about getting a haircut - he at one point makes a reference to a "naughty" haircut and she says she is always up for something naughty. A little later he asks if it will be a normal haircut or a naked haircut and she says it's probably not a good time of the month for a naked haircut.
She asks to meet him for drinks several times - seems like he is always busy. She apparently had plans to have dinner and drinks with him this past Friday (she had told me she had plans to have dinner with a friend) - but it fell through.
She mentions she ran into a woman (must have been his ex) while out. He asks if she remembered her.
It's just a very flirtatious, suggestive message string. The only thing that might be a smoking gun - I guess - is the early stuff about him apologizing for what happened and freezing up and getting weird and so on.
I would NEVER have suspected this.
I know where we are headed - but the papers have not been signed and I see this - if it is true - as the ultimate betrayal. We have both been in relationships where we have been cheated on in the past - we both know how devastating it is.
What do I do????
I think I have to confront her. I need to hear it from her mouth. We're getting divorced anyway. I know she will be upset. I know she will be defensive. She will accuse me of invading her privacy (which she has done to me before). She will try and spin it around on me.
My soul is clean, however. I have never cheated in any manner and even now - I have walked the straight line and would never have considered doing anything until we were final and some time has passed.
We have two small kids!!
The hard part is that we are still living together - we had talked about "nesting" but it never came to pass because she could never find anyone to take her in on her nights. Her sister and her friend both backed out on her - and now I'm wondering if they knew something was going on. I know a lot of people don't support her actions - but it was always framed like "they don't understand why I'm not fighting harder" and again - I wonder if there was more going on that people knew or suspected.
As it is written up right now - and we have a copy of the draft of the settlement agreement - we get pretty much a 50/50 split of everything (including the kids). I get the house as long as I can refinance.
I'll admit - I'm scared to confront her because 1) I will have to admit I snooped and 2) because her defense mechanism is to get mad and I just want to get out of this as clean as possible right now.
That said - I can't continue living with her if she is carrying on with someone else behind my back.
What do you all think? What do I do? My god, I wish I'd never seen the original text message...
We lost our first child at birth in 2008. It changed us in many subtle ways. I know it made me put up emotional barriers - just trying to protect myself.
Anyway, since she started the proceedings - I've been working very hard to "find" myself again. I have been largely successful and feel closer to who I used to be than I have been in ages.
I have been a better husband and father and everything else - she acknowledges it - but it has done nothing to change her mind. Yes - we've kind of gone in fits and starts - sometimes she is charging forward - then there are times she seems unsure.
We've been getting along okay - actually not bad at all. Spending time together.
Anyway, the other day a message popped up on her phone from a guy and it had a very suggestive tone to it. She was out of the room - but I saw it. It appeared to be from one of her clients (she is a hair stylist). I let it go - but it ate up at me. I just never would have thought she would fool around behind my back before the papers were signed.
I finally could not take it anymore. Her phone was out and I looked and there was a fairly long message string. I feel like crap for looking - that said - she has gone through my phone before. I left it home one day and she went through my phone looking for evidence that I was fooling around (this was before she asked to split up) and then once after we split up she saw some messages (she said she just came upon them while helping the kids with my iPad) where I said some kind of mean things about her (there is a back story about that).
The message string only goes back to the beginning of June. He contacts her - asks her if her divorce is still going on - she responds yes (enthusiastically). There is some talk about something happening between them - I took it to be a singular event - where something was happening but one or both of them froze up. He was kind of checking in with her to see if they were still cool - she played it off as not a big deal - she said something like this is weird for both of us (he is also apparently recently divorced).
There is a lot of banter about getting a haircut - he at one point makes a reference to a "naughty" haircut and she says she is always up for something naughty. A little later he asks if it will be a normal haircut or a naked haircut and she says it's probably not a good time of the month for a naked haircut.
She asks to meet him for drinks several times - seems like he is always busy. She apparently had plans to have dinner and drinks with him this past Friday (she had told me she had plans to have dinner with a friend) - but it fell through.
She mentions she ran into a woman (must have been his ex) while out. He asks if she remembered her.
It's just a very flirtatious, suggestive message string. The only thing that might be a smoking gun - I guess - is the early stuff about him apologizing for what happened and freezing up and getting weird and so on.
I would NEVER have suspected this.
I know where we are headed - but the papers have not been signed and I see this - if it is true - as the ultimate betrayal. We have both been in relationships where we have been cheated on in the past - we both know how devastating it is.
What do I do????
I think I have to confront her. I need to hear it from her mouth. We're getting divorced anyway. I know she will be upset. I know she will be defensive. She will accuse me of invading her privacy (which she has done to me before). She will try and spin it around on me.
My soul is clean, however. I have never cheated in any manner and even now - I have walked the straight line and would never have considered doing anything until we were final and some time has passed.
We have two small kids!!
The hard part is that we are still living together - we had talked about "nesting" but it never came to pass because she could never find anyone to take her in on her nights. Her sister and her friend both backed out on her - and now I'm wondering if they knew something was going on. I know a lot of people don't support her actions - but it was always framed like "they don't understand why I'm not fighting harder" and again - I wonder if there was more going on that people knew or suspected.
As it is written up right now - and we have a copy of the draft of the settlement agreement - we get pretty much a 50/50 split of everything (including the kids). I get the house as long as I can refinance.
I'll admit - I'm scared to confront her because 1) I will have to admit I snooped and 2) because her defense mechanism is to get mad and I just want to get out of this as clean as possible right now.
That said - I can't continue living with her if she is carrying on with someone else behind my back.
What do you all think? What do I do? My god, I wish I'd never seen the original text message...
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